DAVE THE BASTARD IS STANDING AT THE END OF THE GARDEN SMOKING A FAG HE IS STARING AT A SMURF VILLAGE WITH THE VERMINATOR
VERMINATOR
Hmm that is a typical Smurf infestation. Nasty one too.
DAVE
Can you kill the little fookers? Bastards keeping me awake at night with all their bloody singing.
SMURFS
Laa Laa Smurfing Smurfing.
DAVE
You're going to die you bastards! And they're attracting paedophiles.
GARGAMEL STICKS HIS HEAD OVER THE FENCE.
GARGAMEL
Moo ha ha you Smurfs will be mine
DAVE BEANS GARGAMEL ON THE HEAD WITH A CAN OF STELLA
Oooyah!
GARGAMEL RUNS OFF
DAVE
And don't come back you dress wearing, cat bothering nonce!
VERMINATOR
Yeh problems easily solved, though. We just need the one trap.
DAVE PULLS OUT A TINY MOUSE TRAP, AND BAITS IT WITH TINY FLOWERS AND A MINISCULE HEART SHAPED BOX OF CHOCOLATES
BEFORE PLACING IT ON THE GROUND
VERMINATOR
Now we hide behind a bush.
DAVE AND THE VERMINATOR HIDE BEHIND A BUSH
SMURFETTE APPROACHES THE TRAP
SMURFETTE
Ooh flowers and chocolates. I must have a secret...eeuurrggghhh!
THE TRAP CHOPS HER IN HALF SPRAYING BLOOD EVERYWHERE
DAVE
What about the rest of them? I'm not paying for just one..
VERMINATOR
Shhh, I'm a professional.
VERMINATOR PICKS UP A TINY TOY TEDDY. HE PAINTS IT BLUE, THEN PICKS UP HALF OF SMURFETTE AND SMEARS HER BLOOD ALL OVER IT USING HER PELVIS AS A SORT OF PAINT BRUSH.
VERMINATOR
Smurfs menstruate once a century, the blood of female Smurfs sends them berzerk. And now for the finishing touch.
VERMINATOR SPRAYS THE TEDDY WITH A CAN MARKED "Smurf AIDS fast acting." VERMINATOR THEN PAINTS IT'S HEAD WHITE WITH TYPEX
VERMINATOR
Would you like to do the honours?
DAVE
Why not?
DAVE THROWS THE TEDDY INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE SMURF VILLAGE. SMURFS BUNDLE IT IN A HUGE BLUE PILE
DAVE
Horny blue bastards.
THE SMURFS ARE RIPPING EACH OTHER INTO BLOODY FRAGMENTS. AFTER A WHILE THEY'RE ALL DEAD EITHER FROM VIOLENCE OR SOME HORRIBLE ILLNESS.
DAVE
They're all dead. Fan-bleedin' tastic.
VERMINATOR
Not quite, there's always 2 left.
DAVE
What and they might start reproducing? Like bed bugs?
VERMINATOR
Fairly unlikely.
PAPA SMURF AND BRAINY SMURF LEAVE A MUSHROOM
BRAINY
Smurfing genocide Papa Smurf they're all dead!
PAPA
At least we can get out of the Smurfing closet.
BRAINY AND PAPA SNOG
THEY'RE CRUSHED BY A SHOVEL
VERMINATOR
And that's your lot!
DAVE
Cor more funning than ratting.
VERMINATORS MOBILE RINGS
VERMINATOR
Hmm bear infestation...high adventures?...high adventures that are beyond compare?
VERMINATOR PULLS OUT A BAG MARKED "Gummy bears warning contains cyanide and anthrax."
