A PATIENT IS SEEING HER PSYCHIATRIST.
MISS PINDER:
I'm not being funny or anything Doctor, but I've been coming to see you for a while now & in all that time you haven't managed to solve any of my problems.
DR NUTTALL:
I can't actually solve any of your problems per se Miss Pinder. Think of me more as a facilitator so to speak. I'm here merely to identify the underlying causes in order to help you solve your problems yourself.
MISS PINDER:
Well can you do that then please?
DR NUTTALL:
Of course! That's the easy part.
MISS PINDER:
So you can explain? What causes me to have relationship problems? Why I don't get on with my parents.
DR NUTTALL:
Absolutely.
MISS PINDER:
Why I find it hard to concentrate? Why I wear the clothes I do?
DR NUTTALL:
Of course, apart from the clothes thing. That's just weird.
Miss Pinder:
Well then? I'm listening!
DR NUTTALL:
Well Miss Pinder, you are, what we in the Psychiatric profession usually like to refer to as ... Horrible
MISS PINDER:
Horrible?
DR NUTTALL:
Yes horrible! A horrible person.
MISS PINDER:
You can't just call me a horrible person.
DR NUTTALL:
You're quite right of course, I do apologise, I should really explain what makes you a horrible person. You are selfish, lazy, rude, arrogant...
MISS PINDER:
Hold on! Aren't you supposed to say I've got issues or summink! Maybe I'm insecure?
DR NUTTALL:
You have many traits Miss Pinder, most of which are extremely aggravating but Insecurity is not one of them.
MISS PINDER:
Well not Insecurity, I mean low self esteem.
DR NUTTALL:
No No, In my experience people with low self esteem are generally quite likeable, you on the other hand have extremely high self esteem, it's one of the things that makes you insufferable.
MISS PINDER:
So what is it exactly, you know, What gives me these horrible tendencies?
DR NUTTALL:
The phrase horrible tendencies seems to suggest that this sort of thing comes & goes, you are, on the whole a consistently sickeningly dreadful, awfully spiteful horrible human being.
MISS PINDER:
And who or what do I blame for that then Doc?
DR NUTTALL :
You shouldn't be looking for things to blame that's the trouble with your type, you think you can do anything without putting in the effort and when you predictably fail you look for someone else to blame.
MISS PINDER:
Ok if not blame, what can I do to change then?
DR NUTTALL :
If you weren't so incredibly wealthy then I'd say there was nothing any of us could do, but with someone of your considerable means there is always hope.
MISS PINDER:
So you can help me to be less Horrible can you?
DR NUTTALL :
Sorry did I give you the impression that being horrible was a bad thing?
MISS PINDER:
Well erm I don't know..
DR NUTTALL :
On the contrary, it's the only way to get anywhere, I'm quite the awful human being myself. It's more common than you'd imagine.
No the trick is, to stop worrying. If anything try to be a little less aware of other peoples feelings...
MISS PINDER:
Are all your patients horrible then Doctor?
DR NUTTALL :
I wish they were, some of them are just ugly.
MISS PINDER:
Oh dear... does that make them tend to be quite nice?
DR NUTTALL :
Who cares?
THEY BOTH LAUGH.
