STABLE
Episode One
"The Sensible Stallion"
inspired by claustrophobic, documentary styled sitcoms such as Jo Brands "Getting On"
A CAR TOWING HORSE TRAILER. CLARISSA IS DRIVING, PAT IS IN THE PASSENGER SEAT AS THEY DRIVE THROUGH COUNTRY LANES. ITS CLOUDY, DAMP AND GREY.
CLARISSA
Gosh, I don't have my lights on.
PAT
Umm.
CLARISSA
I think I should have them on... really
LOOKS TO PAT
PAT
That man in the Peugeot has his lights on, he
Looks like a sensible sort of chap.
CLARISSA SWITCHES ON LIGHTS. BANGING FROM THE TRAILER, THEN QUIET.
Huh, I hope this guy...
GESTURES BEHIND TO TRAILER
...isn't going to be too much for Carrie.
CLARISSA
I shouldn't think so... I watched her riding lesson
with Antoine yesterday.
TURNS TO PAT WIDE EYED
PAT
How did it go?
CLARISSA
She volunteered to ride without stirrups... sitting
Trot!
PAT LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW
PAT
Crazy bitch... she's gonna totally bugger up her crutch.
IN THE INDOOR ARENA. ANTOINE SITS ON A BENCH IN THE CORNER NEXT TO THE ENTRANCE DOOR. ANTOINE IS TEACHING A RIDING LESSON. ANTOINE'S ACCENT SEAMLESSLY CHANGES FROM GERMAN TO ESSEX.
ANTOINE
PUSH HIS HEAD UP MARY! Stop pulling the
reins you can't make his neck any rounder his
CHEST is in the way!
CARRIE IS OUTSIDE THE DOOR OF THE INDOOR ARENA. BEFORE OPENING THE DOOR PEOPLE MUST SHOUT THE GERMAN "TUR FRIE" MEANING "DOOR FREE" INCASE OF OPENING THE DOOR ONTO A HORSE, AND WAIT FOR THE REPLY "FRIE".
CARRIE
TUR FRIE!
ANTOINE
FRIE!
CARRIE CAUTIOUSLY OPENS DOOR, COMES IN AND TAKES A SEAT ON THE BENCH NEXT TO ANTOINE, SHE HAS HIS COFFEE.
CARRIE
There you go.
ANTOINE
Ta Babes.
LOOKS UP TO RIDER NOW CANTERING
Ah! This is better... now I like you again.
TURNS TO CARRIE
So? New stallion!
CARRIE
Oh I know! Pat and Clarissa are travelling
Him here now.
ANTOINE
I won't wait up.
CARRIE
No they'll be here in a minute...
ANTOINE
TO RIDER
Sit on your backside!
CARRIE
... be nice to have a stallion especially how
Clive is at the mo'.
ANTOINE
Blood from a stone?
CARRIE
Living with a walking corpse.
ANTOINE
He is very pale.
TO RIDER
WOO! it's the runaway train... slow down
Melissa.
CARRIE
I don't care... as long as there's enough life
in that wrist for him to sign them cheques.
ANTOINE
TO RIDER (MELISSA)
Your finished.
MELISSA
OUT OF BREATH
Thank you. How much do I owe you?
ANTOINE
Seventy five.
MELISSA
Will you take a cheque.
MELISSA RIDES OFF AROUND ARENA
CARRIE
She's not very steady in the saddle is she?
she bounces quite a bit.
ANTOINE
I don't mind if she bounces... as long as
her cheques don't.
CAR AND TRAILER PULL INTO THE CAR PARK. SIGN READS "MANOR STABLES". CLARISSA IS SEEN RUNNING AHEAD OF PAT WHO LEADS THE STALLION THROUGH THE YARD. THE STALLION IS DULL AND EMOTIONLESS.
CLARISSA
STALLION!... STALLION!
FRANCTICALLY GESTURES EVERYONE TO GET BACK AND MAKE WAY.
Goodness, get rid of that mare.
THE STALLION WALKS PASSED AND INTO HIS STABLE.
STALLION IS IN HIS STABLE AND THE FUSS HAS DIED DOWN. THE TWO JUDITHS ARE OUTSIDE HIS STABLE ADMIRING HIM. THE TWO JUDITH ARE CHUNKY HOUSEWIFES NEW TO RIDING LESSONS. THEY ARE WEARING BOOTS, JOHPHURS, GLOVES, LITTLE WHIPS, CANNON BALL LIKE HELMETS AND BODY PROTECTORS.
JUDITH
This is the stallion, Jud.
JUDE
Oh... so He's a boy
JUDITH
Umm
JUDE
Why are the other boys called geldings?
JUDITH
They've had the...
SHE GESTURES A PAIR OF SCISSORS
JUDE
WINCES
So he still has...
JUDITH
They're just under there.
JUDE
I can't see them... do you think we
Could...
SHE NODS HER HEAD IN DIRECTION OF STABLE. JUDITH UNLOCKS THE DOOR AND THEY WALK IN THE STABLE.
Hello boy! Oh your Gorgeous!
JUDITH
Steady Jud.
JUDE
Hmm?
JUDITH
These Stallions are wirey, don't turn
your back on him.
STALLION IS HALF ASLEEP.
JUDE
I hardly think his gonna jump me, I'm
not his type.
JUDITH
Don't put yourself down.
THEY CHUCKLE.
JUDE
He doesn't look very... randy does he?
JUDITH
That's the effect Carrie has on these
poor men, her Cliff-
JUDE
-Clive
JUDITH
...Her Clive used to be a bit of a goer
Before she wore him down.
JUDE
Maybe he's not a stallion?
JUDITH
What?
JUDE
Well 'av a look.
JUDITH HESITATES
JUDITH
Ok, but you watch his head.
JUDITH STIFFLY BENDS DOWN UNDERNEATH THE STALLION AND BOLTS RIGHT UP AGAIN, HAND CLASPED OVER HER MOUTH.
JUDE
Are you alright?
JUDITH
Their like coconuts! Two big waxed
Coconuts.
JUDE
LAUGHING
Is that normal for them to be so big?
JUDITH
I wouldn't know what to compare
them to.
JUDE
I guess not... being married to Steve.
CHUCKLES
JUDITH
Go on have a look.
JUDE CREEPS UNDER THE STALLIONS BELLY. WHERE SHE STAYS FOR A GOOD FEW SECONDS GAZING UP.
Jude, what are you doing?
JUD COMES UP SLOWLY AS IF FOR AIR.
JUDE
I wonder if Carrie has to strap them
down when she rides him?
JUDITH
She won't 'ave had any practise with
that chest of hers.
JUDE
Unlike you and me!
THE TWO CURVY LADIES BUMP HIPS TOGETHER AND LAUGH.
Quick, lets get out of his cage.
JUDITH
Its called a stable Jud.
ANTOINE IS IN THE INDOOR ARENA SITTING IN THE CORNER ON THE BENCH WITH A CIGARETTE.
CLARISSA
Tur Frei!
ANTOINE
FREI!
CLARISSA CREEPS IN AND HANDS ANTOINE A COFFEE THEN SITS ON THE OTHER END OF THE BENCH.
Sue! Stop.
SUE, THE RIDER, STOPS AND LOOKS TO ANTOINE.
Look your giving far to many aids far
too late. You've got to warn him and
prepare him before you make a turn.
Now I'm a good driver, I am, I can say
That with no ego, I'm a good driver.
but I've never wanted to use a SatNav.
I can't, I like to know where I'm going
and not be ordered around.
But anyway I'm put in this situation
where, as the driver, I had to use the
SatNav.
ANTOINE TURNS TO CLARISSA
I was trying to find that Barry's place.
CLARISSA
Barry who was charged with
abducting the missing kids?
ANTOINE
Yeah.
CLARISSA
Oh, his place is impossible to find...
I mean it took them ages to find the
kids didn't it?
ANTOINE
TURNS BACK TO RIDER
But I was pleasantly surprised by the
SatNav.
ADOPTS IRISH ACCENT FOR SATNAV
In eight hundred metres turn left.
You see he gave me plenty of warning
In four hundred metres turn left...
Turn left... and I was happy to make
that turn, I was ready, I was in the
Right gear and I knew where the turn
was.
Now if he didn't give me enough
warning- turn left... NOW. I would be
What? When... oh... and I've missed
It. You EEGIT you've missed your
Turn!
CLARISSA LOOKS ALARMED AT ANTOINE'S IRISH ACCENT.
Sue, your that SatNav. You've got to
give the horse warning to where he's
going.
SUE RIDES OFF.
Gotta find out how to change the
accent on that thing.
CLARISSA
Mine's programmed as a lady, very
well spoken... snooty cow, she
literally drives me around the bend I
always end up... well not at the place
I'm supposed to be.
ANTOINE
TO RIDER
Um, just try that again.
CLARISSA
What d'you think of Carrie's new
Stallion?
ANTOINE
I haven't seen it, but apparently...
apparently its been quite sane and
sensible.
CLARISSA
Sensible? It's barely conscious! I was
expecting some wild steed... he looks
...he looks unhappy.
ANTOINE
Yes he does have a long face.
CLARISSA NUDGES HIM PLAYFULLY.
THE JUDITHS ARE IN THE TACK ROOM, CLEANING TACK.
JUDITH
That Clarissa knows who's been stealing
all those spare grooming brushes.
JUDE
Who's that then?
JUDITH
She says she saw that polish girl, the
one mucking out this morning with the
tash, she took them says she's got no
money, barely scraping by, she took the
brushes and other stuff to feed her
starving kids.
JUDE
Silly girl, you can't feed children
brushes.
CHUCKLES AND DOG RUNS IN GRABBING SPONGE FROM THE SPONGE BUCKET CONTAINING AT LEAST A HUNDRED VARIOUS SPONGES.
JUDITH
That dog has a sponge fettish.
JUDE
Lives in the right place then.
JUDITH
I wanna breed from my bitch.
JUDE
My breeding days are over Judith.
LAUGHS
JUDITH
Not you! The ruddy dog.
JUDE
D'you think you have the time,
thought you wanted to breed from
that mare you have in the garden.
JUDITH
I do... just haven't chosen a stallion.
JUDE
What about Carrie's stallion.
JUDITH
Don't think his got it in him. You
saw him today we were literally
hanging from his todger and no
reaction.
JUDE
We're not his type, if we were a
couple of mares I'm sure he'd be
a total different sort of chap.
JUDITH
Why don't we give it a try? Just
walk a mare up and down in front of
his stable see if we can envoke some
Kind of reaction.
JUDE
We could do, who should we use?
JUDITH
Kylie. She's a real slut always
Swishing her pony tail at the others,
they just ignore her.
JUDE
Well she should be so lucky...
Lucky, lucky
JUDITH
We'll use her.
CLARISSA WALKS INTO THE TACKROOM
JUDITHS
Hiya.
CLARISSA
Oh, hi girls... you don't have to do
that.
JUDITH
We like cleaning the horses tack,
anything to put off going back to
Drunk Steve and three mini ASBO's.
CLARISSA
Ah, the little ones aren't interested in
ponies then?
JUDE
No, those three wouldn't think a
pony was a fast enough get away
vehicle would they Judith?
JUDITH
No, I like being away from them here,
this way I don't see them in the day
because their at school and when their
at home in the evenings I'm here... so
We sort of slip passed each other.
CLARISSA
Well I'll be off, bye.
JUDITH
Bye.
JUDE
See ya Cliss.
CLARISSA IS GONE.
JUDITH
Yeah bye Clarissa but we don't
Miss'er.
JUDE
I'll go get Kylie.
ANTOINE SITS IN CORNER OF INDOOR ARENA ON BENCH
CLARISSA
Tur Frie!
ANTOINE
Frei!
CLARISSA PEEKS ROUND DOOR
CLARISSA
I'm off now... so...bye.
ANTOINE
Ok.
CLARISSA
Right, see you tomorrow then.
ANTOINE
Right... ok.
CLARISSA
Bye.
CLARISSA LEAVES ANTOINE LOOKING AT HIS CIGARETTE
THE JUDITHS ARE PARADING KYLIE OUTSIDE THE STALLIONS STABLE.
JUDITH
It's not working. Spin her around in
Front of his stable.
JUDE
JUD STARTS TO SING AS SHE DRAGS KYLIE
I'm spinning around move out of my
way, I know you like it like that woo
woo.
THE JUDITHS ARE IN HYSTERICS COBY STEPS OUT FROM ONE OF THE OTHER STABLES. HE IGNORES THE JUDITHS AS HE WALKS PASSED BUT AS HE WALKS BY THE STALLION PERKS UP AND NEIGHS. THE JUDITHS ARE NOW IN FITS OF GIGGLES
JUDE
Don't worry Kylie all the best ones
are.
JUDITH
He is very handsome, it's true
what they say I suppose.
JUDE
It's better the devil you know?
JUDITH
All the good looking ones are...
Damn and I want to breed my mare
To him.
CARRIE WALKS IN.
CARRIE
Gosh! You better move kylie away
She'll upset him!
JUDITH
Oh, I think she's ok.
CARRIE
No no no, she's teasing him, he's
a stallion.
JUDE
Yes, his lov-e-ly.
THE JUDITHS PAT HIM AND THEY NOTICE CARRIE KEEPS HER DISTANCE.
JUDITH
Georgeous isn't he Carrie?
CARRIE
Yes I'm... I am so thrilled, now if
You could take Kylie away so that
He doesn't get wound up...
JUDE
Have you ridden him today
Carrie?
CARRIE
No not yet I...
JUDITH
But I bet you've brushed this
Beautiful mane?
CARRIE
Well no...
JUDE
When we went in there he was so
quiet and calm.
CARRIE
You went in there?
JUDE
Sorry we thought you wouldn't
Mind.
CARRIE
And he was... ok, he didn't...
JUDITH
He was fine Carrie. An angel.
CARRIE CAUTIOUSLY WALKS TOWARDS THE STALLIONS DOOR REACHES FOR THE LOCK. SHE CHANGES HER MIND AND GIVES HIM A QUICK PAT ON THE HEAD RESEMBLING SOMEONE TOUCHING A BOILING PAN. SHE TURNS AND WALKS AWAY.
CARRIE
Right well see you tomorrow
JUDITH
She's more afraid than...
JUDE
I always thought she was so
tough, she can go without stirrups
for a whole lesson.
JUDITH
Sycho Bitch... she'll totally
bugger up downstairs!
LATER IN THE TACKROOM, JUD IS RETURNING KYLIE'S HEADCOLLAR. POLISH ANYA IS LOOKING IN A TRUNK. JUD STARTS TO HELP, THROWING THINGS OUT, THE BOTH OF THEM SEARCHING FRANCTICALLY. THERE IS A LARGE SUEDE HANGING UP.
JUDE
Anya... what are we looking for.
ANYA
The spare leg straps.
JUDE
What's this?
JUD SWINGS THE HANGING SUEDE
ANYA
LAUGHS AND IS SARCASTIC
That? That is typical polish
decoration, we are always putting
this up at this time of year.
JUDE
September.
ANYA
Umm hmm.
JUDE
Is it a religious...
ANYA
It is for fertility... they say the
bigger the suede you hang the
bigger the baby.
JUDE
Well with four kids I'm a veteran
at giving birth, so I think I would
be hanging the smallest suede I
could find.
ANYA
It is for Stanley actually.
JUDE
Stanley?
ANYA
You have not met Stanley... the
Stallion?
JUDE
He's called Stanley? Well that
suits him actually... where
have all the spare leg straps
gone?
ANYA
I think it was the one with the
moustache. I don't like that she
is taking these things and making
the polish look bad but she
needs them to feed her children.
JUDE
Then why doesn't she steal the
suede? It must be more nutritious
than buttons and legstraps.
JUD WALKS OUT OF THE TACKROOM TO THE CAR PARK TO MEET JUDITH. JUDITH'S HUSBAND STEVE ARRIVES WITH ONE OF JUDITH'S BOYS.
JUDITH
Steve why are you picking me up
Jud is taking me home.
STEVE
Well I thought I'd...
CLARISSA WALKS INTO THE CAR PARK TO DRIVE HOME. NOTICES JUDITH'S BOY IN RIDING HELMET.
CLARISSA
Judith, you said your boys weren't
interested in ponies.
JUDITH
He ain't, he's interested in
head banging... Social services
getting suspicious with all the
bruises and cuts. Last time they
came round Michael had charged
head first through the French
windows, Jason ran down Scott on
the lawn mower and Jason still
had the broken arm from falling
off of Steve's shoulders. Social
must think our place is like
Christian brothers... regular
beatings minus the prayers...
JUDE
... and molesting.
JUDITH
... wouldn't be far off the mark
though would they. That shiner
on Michaels bum was no
accident.
JUDITH LOOKS AT STEVE
STEVE
Kid's 'ave gotta 'ave discipline.
JUDITH
DISGUSTED
Come on we're going, bye
Clarissa, give you a call later Jud.
MICHAEL CANTERS TOWARDS THE CAR.
Michael you are not a pony don't
canter.
MICHAEL HEADBUTTS THE CAR. THE THREE GET IN AND DRIVE OFF
CLARISSA
Bye Jud.
CLARISSA ALSO DRIVES OFF. AS COBY COMES ROUND THE CORNER.
COBY
Hey Jud, you off then?
JUDE
Yeah, can you give The Great
Antoine my cheque, I can't be
doing with him today, especially
when I'm handing him over
money.
COBY
Yeah sure thing.
JUDE
Thanks Colb.
ANTOINE IS IN THE CORNER OF THE INDOOR SCHOOL SITTING ON THE BENCH. THE "TUR FRIE" DRILL IS NOT NECESSARY FOR COBY. COBY OPENS THE DOOR AND SITS NEXT TO ANTOINE.
COBY
Hiya, I got that Jimmy Crankee's
cheque for yer.
ANTOINE
Ah, thought we'd be hunting her
down with pitch forks again for
that... here's yours.
ANTOINE HANDS COBY HIS WAGES.
Can you ride Carrie's stallion
tomorrow? Apparently she's
got some church doo she can't
get out of.
COBY
I thought she had this week
Completely free to bond with
Stanley?
ANTOINE
She's petrified of him.
COBY
Petrified? But she's like the iron
Lady, or at least her crutch is.
LAUGHS
ANTOINE
Gosh I know. Any excuse to whip
away the old pedals "I need to sit
deeper" any deeper and she'll ride
straight through the saddle.
HE LIGHTS A CIGARETTE
It must be like calis down there.
THEY SHUDDER
Gosh, these hags drive me crazy.
COBY
You love your hags really.
ANTOINE
SIGHS
...I do love my hags.
HE SMOKES AND THEN FLIRTATIOUSLY LOOKS TO COBY.
And my fags.
COBY
BLUNTLY
I don't smoke.
COBY GETS UP AND OPENS THE DOOR WALKING OUT
See you tomorrow.
ANTOINE IS LEFT ALONE SMOKING.
