Hi folks,
I was hoping someone would be so kind as to read through the first half-ish of a script I'm working on. It's supposed to be the pilot/first episode.
Any criticisms welcome.
http://img101.imageshack.us/i/prepforcomedyforumbegin.pdf/
Okay, so, if you read it, let me have the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth in terms of your opinion.
Cheers,
Bryan 
You need to start with INT. LIBRARY. DAY.
Hi Ben.
LOL. Okay, cheers. Should I go "INT. LIBRARY. DAY." "INT. AUDITORIUM. DAY" etc. It's quick cuts between different scenes, and I'm not surehow to handle that in terms of "INT/EXT. LOCATION. DAY/NIGHT".
I'd do: CUT TO: INT.LOCATION for each one.
I'm sure someone else will know better though.
Hi Bryan,
I didn't get all the way through this, I have to say. I thought the dialogue was nice and realistic but everything seemed to move very slowly for me, and with too few laughs. Some of the early stuff is probably a bit subtle for a viewer to get - such as Darren clocking the customer interaction and taking notes. You'd need to establish his antagonism to James and his sneaky backstabbing more directly first, then the other stuff will make sense to the viewer. At the moment we are left to assume that he is someone who is going to do something nefarious with the info he has gathered.
Sorry its a far from complete critique.