Ellie is fed through a tuba.
Make an unfounded claim about the poster above you Page 45
Last Sunday, John Lucas 101 ate 2 kilos of steroids, shaved his head, learned to talk like a complete moron, shagged a prostitute - then kidnapped Wayne Rooney. He spent all of this week - up until today - posing as the much misunderdstood star - in the expectation of signing for Man City and trousering mega bucks - then f**king off pronto.
His grand masterplan fell to pieces, and his cover was blown, this morning when he failed to take an opportunity that presented itself - namely to steal the hubcaps off a 1997 Ford Mondeo - and mug a disabled, blind grannie (as any self respecting scouse scally would obvioulsy do). The real Wayne Rooney has now been freed - and John Lucas is in custody in Strageways with Loopy Frank 'Felatio' Nelson and Stanley 'Ass shagger' Wilkins as cell mates. Tonight should be interesting.....
Juan Kerr invented the fake Ostrich which is used by runners such as Bernie Clifton & Steve Cram
If you've been injured in an accident at work, contact Steve Sunshine 4U.
While most people dip Digestives in their tea, Will Cam uses his bollox.
Charley invented sex.
Prior to that, erotic human physical pleasure was achieved by two members of the opposite sex twatting each other over the head with a house brick
Charley kind of made it better.
Juan Kerr is Wayne Rooney's agent - the bastard!
On the 6th of June each year Will Cam speaks only in Rhyme.
This dates back to June 6th 1985 when he got a Hat for his cat from habitat, and His Sister got a blister while playing Twister.
Ironically Steve "Sunshine" has an extreme form of photosensitivity and breaks out in groin boils in even the weakest sunlight.
Whilst at school, chipolata couldn't decide what career to pursue when in the big wide world. A very wise careers master advised that it is always wise to forge a career in something that you are both good at, and also enjoy with a passion.
Since leaving school Chipolata's Masturbating Academy has gone from strength to strength.
Juan Kerr always fields at Silly Mid On
Roscoff, Roscoff Pudding and pie
Sold the girls drugs that made them high,
When the boys came out to play
Roscoff f**ked them all up the arse - big time.
He's a drug peddlin' arse-shagging little tinker!
Juan Kerr has a tattoo of Dale Winton on his arse that is so realistic you can't tell which Dale is spouting the most shit.
Roscoffs new business venture - a one-man roadshow discussing the history of Butter Beans through the ages has unexpectedly got off to a sluggish start.
Last night he played to 3 people in Bognor, on Monday to zero people in Rhyl
Full marks to him for the Rhyl gig though - he did the full 90 minutes - and an encore. What a trouper! Tonight he plays Wallsend labour club - Paul Gascoine had a ticket - but he's in clink presently. (7.30 start)
8,55pm update
Roscoff's on form tonight but unfortunately no punters yet - but still...5 minutes to go til he finishes.
Juan Kerr once cut his nose off to spite his face.