Ellie has painted the front of her house so that it looks like the doors of the TARDIS. And she takes in lots of young 'male assistants'. To show them something that is bigger on the inside than the outside.
Make an unfounded claim about the poster above you Page 42
John Lucas used to be known as John Lewis until legal proceedings were taken against him from a high street store with a similar name (yes, that's right - BHS).
Will Cam is funnier than I am.
These boards were boring until Ming came along.
Will Cam has just told a lie.
Ming the Mirthless has his own personal 'grassy knoll' and is just waiting for the opportunity to use it so he can shoot a passing head of state...in the head.
Tuumble is, in fact, 'Evil Tuumble' from the alternate mirror universe. Normal Earth Tuumble, after some initial confusion, is enjoying his mirror life as an adult baby, being constantly breast fed by giant maggots.
John Lucas neither loves nor hates Marmite. The advertising company have a contract out to kill him. Oi, he's here!
Alfy Kipps© - my pet name for him from now on - recently appeared before local magistrates and was charged with being drunk in possession of a Meercat's spleen. Magistrates heard that he was found in a urine-drenched Superdrug doorway, nibbling said spleen and singing a medley of Dolly Parton's greatest hits. In between songs, he was sobbing over his unrequited love for Will Cam....oh, and he had his todger out too.
It's all very very sad. On the plus side however, he does apparently carry a good tune. He was sentenced to 5 bouts of raunchy sex with ellie jp (who was the JP sitting that day). Alfy's brief has vigorously appealed against the barbaric sentence.
Claims against 3 members in one post - Dear Roy Castle - is this a record?
Juan Kerr was rejected as a Strictly contestant for being too camp.
Tuumble challenged Usain Bolt to a 100m sprint - with a difference.
At the end of the track was a gay, syphillis-ridden, kak-smeared tramp - with his bare anus pointing towards the two runners.
Let's just's just say Usain's had to step up his training for the next Olympics. Tuumble raised the bar that day.
An old girlfriend of Juan's rang him up once to say 'Juan, Ive got an itchy fanny, do you want a ride?' Having excitedly donned his leathers and helmet, imagine his great disappointment when he arrived to find her with her legs akimbo, but not a sign of the Japanese motorbike he had fantasised about. He was gutted, poor bloke.
Alfred J Kipper wears a specially adapted brace around his testicles. It's made from Dot Cotton's teeth. The only thing is, they're still in her mouth
Will Cam is addicted to arm farts. He averages about 2000 every day and during periods of extreme underarm chafeing, he has been known to cut off the sleeves of complete strangers,forcing them to perform arm farting so that he can feed his addiction.
Nigel Kelly is Secretary of the National Carpet Bowls Association of El Salvador.