Firkin broke into our house and stole our toilet! We were so embarrassed...we didn't know where to put our faeces!
Make an unfounded claim about the poster above you Page 236
Old Lady Leg Is the new defence against the dark arts teacher at her local comp. She used to teach English but gave it up when her pupils challenged her about its contradictory nature. Why, she was asked, is invertebrate the opposite of vertebrate and inadvertently the opposite of advertently (yes, it's a real word go look it up) and yet inflammable and flammable mean the same thing?
This came after a week of arguing with a class of 5 year olds about the fallacy of the 'I before e, except after c' rule. She eventually had to admit to them that this rule was complete bollocks, also that fallacy should only really have one L - or be pronounced Fall-acy. She further admitted that all English teachers knew that the language was completely made up and all the rules were barmy but were sworn to secrecy about this at teacher training college. Something long suspected by schoolchildren everywhere.
Old Lady Leg said she was sad to be leaving her post as English teacher but was looking forward to taking up her new defence against the dark arts post where at least she could continue to teach spelling...
playfull made a fortune after he came up with the idea of selling gift vouchers for 'Dignitas'.
Playful has invented his own bitcoin called Playcoin. One coin costs £10000 and is worth f**k all. The upside is all your mates will think you are a prick.
Will Cam has just completed a 720 hour audition in the West End, as a Manikin at the Camden BHS. He's been promised a profit share.
Firkin oils the knees of Chelsea Pensioners with a home-made concoction of his own sperm, mungbean juice and the souls of dead babies. It certainly gets those old bastards up and about.
Royal equerry Will Cam caused a major political incident on Donald Trumps recent state visit to the UK, when he asked the President if his hands were really that tiny, or were they just a long way away?
Playful claims a spaceship landed in his garden and he has photographic proof that it's not there now.
Firkin suffers terribly with IBS - Irritable Bowl Syndrome. It has blighted his life ever since he discovered he had a hole in his bowl. Worse still the hole in the bowl is at the bottom of his favourite bowl. "It's no fun having a hole in your bottom," said Firkin. "I'm leaking and dripping all over the house." he added. "It's very irritating," he then added. Adding, "it's much worse if like me you eat a lot of milky cereals and soups."
He then paused before adding "I had a nice bowl of Oxtail soup the other day. But by the time i had walked out to the patio table i had dribbled half of it through my bottom hole leaving a brown steaming trail on the floor behind me.
Then i remembered my GP telling me he had been on an OU ceramic repair course, So i gave him a call and explained about my bottom hole leaking and the brown trail and he said" no problem, sounds like IBS. Pop along to the surgery tomorrow and i'll shove a finger up your bum and see what we can find?"
"I think i'll just give up soup instead," a sad faced Firkin mumbled before shuffling off.
Hang on a minute. i think it might have been Brian Rix - not Firkin at all...
Playfull is a world leading Doorman who specialises in children's soft play areas. If a rowdy 8 year old high on sugar rolls up, all he does is present his clenched fists where he's tattooed the words Play - Full. If that fails he points to his forehead which says f*ck off !
Firkin can't wait to grow up and be a barrel. 
Hercules Grytpype Thynne despises gravity and won't have it in the house.
Don't lead me into temptation.......................
Chipolata hopes to be a salami on a string when he grows up
HGT was appointed the UK's first Spitting Tzar by David Cameron, shortly before he was 'disappeared' and replaced by the Maybot.
Under HGT's careful stewardship spitting has increased in popularity and is now at record levels, particularly amongst todays disaffected youth. It is estimated that 125% of 15 to 18 year olds spit at least 100 times an hour.
" We are delighted that all our hard work is paying dividends," said HGT. "The UK now leads Europe in spitting, both in numbers and sheer volume of spit. When I was first appointed we were well down the European table, below even the Flemish. Who despite their name hardly spit at all." When asked what really made the difference in getting spit on the map HGT said "I think it was when we encouraged footballers to spit everywhere, even at each other. We saw the success of the 'Kick it out' anti-racism campaign, and so started the 'spit it out' campaign which turned into a huge deal. From the Premier league, to the Sunday park kick around, to the local bus shelter, spitting is everywhere. You can't step out of your house now without someone aggressively spitting in your direction."
Spitting does have it's critics though. We asked HGT about those who dislike the act of spitting in public. "I'm not surprised" he said, "It is f**king disgusting, but the money is a comfort."
Phuttttt...................................ding.