Skit Comp 25.8-2.9.10 Page 2

INT. PUB - EVENING

TWO FRIENDS ARE SITTING AT A TABLE, DRINKING PINTS OF LAGER. THERE ARE NUMEROUS EMPTY GLASSES.

LEE:
Next subject: the perfect woman. I take it large breasts are a given?

CARL:
Not for me. I hate to see these porn-star wannabes carrying small silicone mines on their chest; anything more than a handful is an outrageous waste.

LEE:
No way. If the bitch ain't wearing glasses to protect her eyes from her nipples then it's a 'no' from me. Right, let's move on to the arse; as I said to the barmaid last night.

CARL:
I'm something of a connoisseur of the female rear, and you can't beat a Kylie.

LEE:
Get the f**k out of here with that skinny-arsed skank. You've got to have a proper butt; I'm talking about a J-Lo.

CARL:
Are you nuts? If I want a bird with a fat arse I'll just go home.

LEE:
You're clearly a backside philistine. Let's move on to morals, I take it your perfect bint is a right goer: the type of tart who just has to see a gear stick to end up wetter than a Pakistani summer?

CARL:
No chance. A bird is like a motor, you don't want your shiny new model having 50,000 miles on the clock.

LEE:
I suppose a bint is like a car. When you put your foot down they swallow the juice. Let's move on; skin colour?

CARL:
You can't beat a nice Portuguese bird; they're a delightful shade of orange.

LEE:
So are half the bints in Essex, they're still f**king disgusting. You can't beat a nice Oriental; I've seen what they can do with a ping pong ball.

CARL:
Yeah, they're good at table tennis.

LEE:
F**k off. What about personality? We're looking for a nice kind-hearted bint, right?

CARL:
You've got to be winding me up. Our Tina's got a heart of gold; you can't take the bitch into town for a beer without her chatting to some homeless c**t for about 45 minutes. It's a nause.

LEE:
F**king hell, you're hard to please. You've got to be happy with blonde hair and blue eyes though?

CARL:
What? Blondes might as well come with an official certificate of retardation; you can't beat a nice red-head with green eyes.

LEE:
You've got to be shitting me? Your perfect partner's got a small arse, a flat-chest and f**king red-hair? It sounds like you want to bang a small ginger boy.

CARL:
You can talk; blonde hair and blue eyes is it Adolf?

LEE:
F**k this; we're never going to agree on anything. What about the accent?

CARL:
I thought we were talking about the perfect woman? She's got to be a mute.

A TEAR ROLLS DOWN LEE'S EYES.

LEE:
She sounds f**king great.

FILM TRAILER

EXT: A PARK AT NIGHT

WE SEE OUR HERO IN THE RAIN
HE PULLS UP HIS COLLAR AND BEGINS WALKING ALONG A PATHWAY WITH TREES ON BOTH SIDES.

V/O:
Sometimes a place is not all it seems.

SUDDENLY A STRANGE FIGURE APPEARS FROM THE SHADOWS AND WALKS TOWARDS OUR HERO

STRANGER:
Hello mate, Hold up! I was wondering if you could help me?

V/O:
Sometimes strangers want to be your friend.

STRANGER: CONT
The thing is, I seem to have lost my wallet...."

HERO: (QUICKENING HIS PACE)
I'm sorry but I'm in a rush.

V/O:
Sometimes you just need to keep moving.

OUR HERO IS STILL BEING PURSUED AS ANOTHER STRANGER EMERGES FROM THE SHADOWS

STRANGER 2:
Hello mate. I Won't keep you long, I left my jacket on the bus, it had my keys, money everything. If you could just see your way to...

OUR HERO BREAKS INTO A TROT TO GET AWAY AS THE MEN SLOWLY PURSUE HIM EACH WITH A HAND OUTSTRETCHED PALM UPWARDS.

V/O:
And whatever you do... never look back.

OUR HERO TURNS HIS HEAD BACK TO SEE MANY MORE HOBO-ISH FIGURES COMING TOWARDS HIM AND LOSES HIS FOOTING, FALLING TO THE GROUND.
AS THE HOBOS APPROACH HIM ZOMBIE LIKE, WE CAN HEAR THEM MUMBLING THINGS LIKE "JUST A FIVER MATE" "I'LL PAY YOU BACK" "I WOULDN'T NORMALLY ASK"

V/O:
Or you too could find yoursElf trapped forever in...

LARGE CAPTION APPEARS : 'BORASSIC PARK'

V/O:
Boracic Park! - Coming soon to all good theatres.

END

EXT. STREET. NIGHT.

A MAN IS WALKING DOWN A STREET WHEN HE SEES A SIGN SAYING 'NIGHT AT THE RACES - 100 YARDS ON THE LEFT.'

HE WALKS THE 100 YARDS AND ARRIVES AT A WILLIAM HILL BOOKIES.

HE ENTERS THE BOOKIES. IT IS FILLED WITH MEN IN SUITS AND TOP HATS AND WOMEN WITH EXPENSIVE DRESSES AND ELABORATE HATS. THEY ARE HOLDING BETTING SLIPS AND CHEERING ON HORSES ON THE VARIOUS TV SCREENS.

THE MAN ENTERS. HE THEN SEES GINGER MCCAIN, MICK CHANNON, HENRY CECIL AND MARTIN PIPE ENTERING THE BOOKIES BUT SUDDENLY A BOUNCER APPEARS AND USHERS THE FOUR OUT.

BOUNCER:
Sorry lads, no trainers.

INT: OFFICE
KATIE AND MAUREEN ARE SITTING AT THEIR DESKS

KATIE: Maureen, do you think Cheryl Cole's new boyfriend is gay?

MAUREEN: Could we please talk about something other than celebrities?

KATIE: Sorry, I've tried but I'm just naturally bubbly.

MAUREEN: Let's try with a game called 'Current Events'.

KATIE: YAY! You start...

<MAUREEN SHOWS THE FRONT COVER OF THE PAPER TO KATIE>

MAUREEN: What do you think about William Hague?

KATIE: Gay! The jeans give it away.

<MAUREEN QUICKLY TURNS THE PAPER OVER TO THE SPORTS SECTION>

MAUREEN: What about Amir Khan?

KATIE: He's not gay.

MAUREEN: That's not always the question.

KATIE: He's a boxer?

MAUREEN: That's right. Did the gloves give it away?

KATIE: No, he's friends with Cheryl Cole.

MAUREEN: What about the Pakistani team?

KATIE: They died in the floods?

MAUREEN: That wasn't them.

KATIE: They're trapped in a mine?

MAUREEN: No. They've been paid 150 grand to play badly.

KATIE: They're English footballers?

MAUREEN: No, they're cricket players.

KATIE: Wow, like Former Liberty X singer Jessica Taylor's husband?

Charley's sketch was sublime. A big thumbs up (and a vote) from me.

a blank screen

voice over: first there was mamma mia (the word mamma mia appears on screen) then there was marmaduke (the word marmaduke appears onscreen) now we have MARMALADE!!! (a jar of marmalade appears on screen) in a world of juice he was a spread

orange 1: when I grow up I want to be marmalade

orange 2: no you can't this family has a tradition of juice making and you need to continue this tradition

voice over: one orange wanted to endure the criticism and SPREAD the love.

orange 1: just face it mum ive not got the juice in me

orange 2: you can get transfusions for that now.

voice over: follow the story of one oranges plight to be eaten at breakfast in slumdog marmalade coming soon ... ish

Some lovely stuff as usual, guys. I'm going to have to go for OTTERFOX by a shorthead from Nigel

Really, really tough this week. Simplicity wins it for me so I'm going for Craig H.

Special mention for samcheese who arrived too late.

oops too late

I think Sunny boy wins it (i.e. Steve). It seems a simple enough sketch for me.

So many good entries again, loved Craig, Bushbaby, Charley, Kasm, Nigel but it's Gerry who's popping my cherry this week.

Mr Monkhouse this time.

Gerry for me too.

I had to give them a reread as they were all good.
Gerry get's my vote as well.

Afinkawan edges out Eggie and Angie.

Steve, Borassic Park a pun Marc P. would have been proud of - and you can take that however you like!