Skit Comp 25.8-2.9.10

Back from hols with all my friend and happy to say CHARLEY's won! Enjoy, have 10 points and PM me for next week's subject please...
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

4 - 10 - Charley
3 - 5 - Otterfox, Kasm
1 - 1 - Nigel Kelly, Gerry, Michael Monkhouse, AngieBaby, Roscoff
Honorary mention: Alex M, Bushbaby

Your new subject: GAMES (suggested by TIMBO) or FILM/TV TRAILER or IDEAL PARTNER (suggested by KASM)
Rules:
One entry per person. Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 2.9.10

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

149 - Mr Sunshine
133 - Cool Mikado
128 - Otterfox
120 - Kasm
112 - Chris Forshaw
108 - Frankie Rage
105 - Nigel Kelly
98 - Fred Peters, Michael Monkhouse
97 - Charley Rance
94 - Timbo
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
58 - AngieBaby
55 - Scratchyr
44 - Gerry McDonnell
36 - Afinkawan
32 - Alex Mahon, Swerytd, Paul Watson
28 - Leevil
26 - David Chapman
23 - Craig H
22 - Blobster, Roscoff
21 - Mikey J
20 - Bushbaby, James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Nil Putters, Cinnamon, Dale
12 - Geoff Mutton, Badge, Will Cam
11 - Steven
10 - Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O, James, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Tumble, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Stephen Birch, Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a tinker's cuss, so PM me. Thanks...

REPOSSESSION, REPOSSESSION REVISITED

GRAMSROPERTY SHOW TYPE THEME MUSIC.

PHIL and KIRSTY are standing in a very nice looking house.

PHIL:Join us later tonight for a special recession edition of Repossession, Repossession Revisited. I'm Phil and I know my face looks like a slapped arse but I just do this on screen so none of you plebs recognise me out in public.

KIRSTY:And I'm Kirsty. I'm posh enough to be well out of your league but at least I'm slightly podgy, so your wife doesn't realise just how much you fancy me.

PHIL:We'll be revisiting some of the people we advised in the past. Like Tom and Sarah, a pair of extremely smug city bankers who had 2 million to spend on a second house in the country.

KIRSTY:They spent the whole of the episode ignoring every bit of advice we gave them and we know all you viewers at home really hated them and hoped that everything would go horribly wrong but they ended up with their dream house at less than their budget. Let's hope the recession has ruined them.

PHIL:We'll also be revisiting two more couples who have been completely ruined by the recession.

PHIL:And just to rub it in, we'll be using our fees for this series to buy the houses we advised them to buy in the first place. Join us at 9 for some hilarious recession repossessions.

LET ME BE

COUPLE in bed, going crazy under the sheets, groaning; finally...
GIRL pops out:

GIRL That was great, Berlusconi.

BERLUSCONI pops out in full suit and tie.

BERLUSCONI Grazie my boiling dish of spaghetti Bolognese with double parmisan topping.

GIRL You're almost as cool as Obama!

BERLUSCONI A-ha, we can't all be 'young, good-looking and tanned...'

GIRL Oh, you!... But tell me Primo Ministro, what's your secret? How do you manage to be so wealthy, important and - um, well-endowed?

BERLUSCONI Well since you're not a journalist, I will give an honest answer. You see...

She watches enraptured as he sings to the tune of The Beatles' 'Let it Be':

BERLUSCONIWhen the nation's lost in times of trouble
People always come to me
Seeking words of wisdom, they need me.
And in their hour of darkness
They are kneeling and imploring me.
This is what I tell them: Let me be.
Let me be, let me be.
On yer bike, leave me free.
Stop yer bleedin' whingein', Italy.

(He gets up) And when the broken-hearted people
Lose their jobs and come to me,
This is still me answer: let me be.
For though they may be shafted I have
Still my villa by the sea
And my horny girlfriend, that's just me.

Let me be, let me be.
Whatcha got to do with me?
Yeah, I just got a face-lift, look at me.

(He dances) Let me be, let me be.
Shut yer face, out me place.
I could not give two shits, Italy.

(instrumental break, he dances into the audience)

Let me be, let me be.
I'm bee's knees, you agree?
Whatcha bleedin' want now? Let me be...

And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a babe that sleeps with me.
Shags until the morrow, merrily.
I spent your taxes on Viagra
A right stonker comes to me,
Sod that friggin' earthquake, let me be.

(He returns to Girl, they dance)

Let me be, let me be.
What's a crisis to me?
I'm still blinkin' loaded, let me be.

GIRL Let him be, let him be.
He bought me a semi.
You have no tomorrow, Italy.

BERLUSCONI On your knees, worship me.
I am God, can't you see?
F**k off with your moanin', Italy.

They embrace and kiss.

(To be read by Vincent Price)

Come with me, won't you, to a mansion on the Sussex downs where there is a sex orgy going on. Miss 'Peacock'-named after the what she can do with a feather-was the hostess, and various tastes were being catered for, Colonel Mustard was whipping someone dressed as a Nazi officer, Professor Plum was also spanking someone most severely and Reverend Green had brought some of his flock...
Midnight struck and people wondered what happened to Dr Black. Suddenly Mrs White (named after her favourite colour of polynylon) screamed. She had found Dr Black lying on the stairs dead, barefoot from the neck down with a dagger sticking through his chest...
They surveyed the devastating scene...
"Should we move him?" asked Miss Scarlett.
Everyone looked down the body. And further down...
Suddenly the Colonel piped up.
"At least he died happy..."

EXT.COURTYARD.NIGHT

GRAMS: I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU - THE REMBRANDTS

AN EMPTY SETTEE WITH A LAMP PLACED NEXT TO IT SIT IN THE CENTRE OF THE SCREEN IN FRONT OF A BEAUTIFULLY LIT FOUNTAIN. THE COURTYARD IS GRADUALLY ILLUMINATED IN TIME TO THE MUSIC AND IT CUTS TO A CLOSE UP OF THE SETTEE. IDI AMIN, ADOLF HITLER, JOSEF STALIN AND POL POT APPEAR ON SCREEN WITH HUMOURLESS EXPRESSIONS ON THEIR FACES AND BEGIN TO FROLIC AWKWARDLY ON THE SETTEE AND IN AND AROUND THE FOUNTAIN. THE MONTAGE ENDS WITH THE FOUR OF THEM SITTING WITH THEIR BACKS TO THE CAMERA ON THE BACK OF THE SETEE AND ADOLF HITLER TURNING OUT THE LAMP NEXT TO HIM

GRAMS FADE AND TITLE APPEARS OVER THE FINAL SHOT:

FIENDS

The Life of Darth

Radio Script

Ep 1 Darth at the Doc's

GRAMS - Star Wars theme done like Steptoe and Son

RECEPTIONIST
The Doctor will see you now Sir.

Door opens and closes

YODA
Good morning. Sit down. Not so perky are you looking today. How is the chest?

DARTH
A little better.

YODA
Any better to me it does not sound. Still on the fags I think you are. Hmm?

DARTH
A man has to have some pleasures.

YODA
As cutting down there is such a thing.

DARTH
It is difficult. I smoke more when I am worried.

YODA
You worried about what are?

DARTH
I think my girlfriend may be seeing someone else.

YODA
Confront her you must. The time tick away don't let otherwise gnaw at you the worry will.

DARTH
I am scared to ask her in case she says it is true. We have regular sex.

YODA
Regular how?

DARTH
Once a month

YODA
Lucky indeed man you a very are.

DARTH
Pardon?

YODA
Sorry, You are lucky.

DARTH
She lets me watch the cricket.

YODA
Fortunate very. Cook as well she can I bet.

DARTH
Yes, she makes the most wonderful bread and butter pudding.

YODA
Much would I give to find bread and butter pudding a woman who would make me.

DARTH
What should I do?

YODA
Something your confidence to increase need you. New pills have I. Come in four strengths they do.

DARTH
How do they work?

YODA
Strength one a slight boost will give. Strength two on top of the world make you feel. Strength three like superman you will be.

DARTH
How fast do they work? And what about strength four?

YODA
Immediately do they work. Strength four prescribed have I not. Too powerful it is.

DARTH
Give me one. Now.

YODA
Side effect there may be, an erection you may not be able to get rid of. Strength three do I recommend.

DARTH
Strength FOUR. NOW!

YODA
Very well. Here you are.

pause

DARTH
(Euphoric)
Aaaaah! The fours! The fours! I feel the power.

Door opening

RECEPTIONIST
All done Mr Vader?

DARTH
Come here you hot mama. Come to Daddy.

noises and 'oh, oh' from the receptionist.

GRAMS Star Wars theme.

Fade.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

A CLASSROOM FULL OF 5 YEAR OLDS. TEACHER SITS IN A SEAT, CHILDREN ARE ON THE FLOOR. (TEACHER - THINK MARY POPPINS VOICE)

TEACHER
Okay children, gather round. Put all of your re-enactment suggestions into the hat.

THE CHILDREN PUT THEIR SUGGESTIONS IN

TEACHER
Okay Alex, you choose first.

ALEX PULLS OUT A SUGGESTION FROM THE HAT

TEACHER
Oh, Titanic. Who's suggestion was Titanic?

ALICIA RAISES HER HAND

TEACHER
Okay Alex, it's you and Alicia to re-inact a scene from Titanic

YOUNG ALEX STANDS UP BEHIND ALICIA AND HOLDS OUT HER ARMS.

THE CHILDREN ALL CLAP

TEACHER
Well done, that was excellent you two. Jordan, your turn.

JORDAN PULLS OUT A SUGGESTION FROM THE HAT

TEACHER
Brokeback Mountain? Mm. And who's suggestion is this?

WE SEE A YOUNG BOY WITH A HUGE GRIN ON HIS FACE

END

YOUNG WOMAN LOOKING OUT THROUGH WINDOW. IT'S POURING DOWN.

WOMAN

I'm bored out of my mind Steve.

STEVE

Not my fault the weather's shit. Do you want to play a game or something?

WOMAN

Like what? Cards or something?

STEVE

Nah......er......what about the vegetable guessing game?

WOMAN

Never heard of that one, go on then.

STEVE

Right, lie down and close your eyes and you have to guess what vegetable I've got..

WOMAN

Ok sounds like a plan.

STEVE
Are you ready?

WOMAN

yeah.

STEVE

Right guess what I've got......go.

WOMAN

Banana?

STEVE

No

WOMAN

Cucumber?

STEVE
No.

WOMAN

Carrot?

STEVE

No.

WOMAN

Leek?

STEVE

No.

WOMAN

Rhubarb! Spring onion! Spring cabbage! Aubergine! Whatever it is for feck sake don't take it out!

INT. STUDIO
A tiny studio, mocked up to look like a section of stately home.

Classical music plays and the title "Lord Tackle's Arts Revvüe" is superimposed over the image of a snooty man in a leather chair.

Lord Tackle faces the screen in a leisurely fashion.

LORD TACKLE
Hello, I'm Lord Tackle and this is my arts revue.
(beat)
On today's programme we shall be shedding light on the newly discovered poems of Sir Walthamyew Hampsgrove and why his delicately phrased observations may still be relevant to well-bred people today. We are also privileged to be joined by classical harpist Belinda Carlyle who shall be performing for us a Medley of 14th century parlour tunes.

Belinda shyly shrugs and says something too softly spoken to be audible.

LORD TACKLE
You really are too modest, Belinda. But before then we continue with our new section; The review of
(said through gritted teeth)
recent... Video... Games...

INT. STUDIO

Lord Tackle sits in his leather chair, awkwardly holding an X-Box controller. We fade to footage from the game as he talks

LORD TACKLE
DieZone 17: Call To Arms follows in the traditions of it's previous instalments... I imagine. It's story is... in the classical mould of... men getting shot and it makes use of a... somewhat limited palette of greys and browns to denote... I don't know... mud?

We see footage of a soldier running around a dreary, wartorn town

TACKLE
The lighting is generally realistic with little artistic flair and I -Oh my f**king Christ, did you see that? I shot that f**king chap's head off!"

The vision mixer fades to the game, the soldier stands stands by a decapitated enemy, blood fountaining.

TACKLE
Bloody shot the thing off, I didn't know they'd put that in!

CUT TO:
STUDIO-LATER
Tackle appears to have composed himself

TACKLE
The storytelling is, frankly, basic. Largely consisting of a seemingly endless stream of attempts on the protagonists life by -f**k! - by hordes of - YOU BITCHES! That was not fair! Roger, are you f**king seeing this shit?

Footage of soldier lying down dead, surrounded by enemies

Tackle throws his controller.

TACKLE
I'm never f**king playing this again!

CUT TO:
STUDIO - LATER

Tackle sits playing multiplayer with Belinda

TACKLE
I will conclude that DieZone17 is a thoroughly pedestrian affair with little to distinguish it from

An explosion is heard.

TACKLE
Excuse me, fair viewers...
(Turns to Belinda)
P'WWEEEEEEENED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Belinda looks terrified.

THE END

EXT. CITY STREET. DAY

A HOT-HATCH IS CRUISING SLOWLY DOWN THE STREET, ITS SIDES REVERBERATING TO THE BASSY GANGSTA RAP BLASTING OUT OF ITS OPEN WINDOWS

THE COCKY JUVENILE DRIVER CHEWS GUM AS HE SNEERS OUT AT THE PEDESTRIANS CONTEMPTUOUSLY

AS HE STOPS AT TRAFFIC LIGHTS, AN ARM SUDDENLY REACHES IN AND DRAGS HIM BODILY FROM THE CAR, THROUGH THE WINDOW. HE'S HURLED TO THE GROUND, WHERE HE COWERS PATHETICALLY

CUT TO INSIDE THE CAR AND A HAND REACHING IN TO EXPERTLY TWEAK THE LEVELS ON THE BASS AND TREBLE

THE MUSIC IS QUICKLY ADJUSTED TO THE CORRECT LEVEL, AVOIDING ANY VIBRATION OR DAMAGE TO PEDESTRIANS' HEARING

PULL OUT TO REVEAL THE FACE OF OUR HERO, EDWARD WOODWARD (Brought back to life through the magic of CGI)

VO
Edward Woodward is... The Equalizer!

SUPER
WARNING - CONTAINS SCENES OF A GRAPHIC NATURE

END

DIM LIGHTING. CLOSE UP ON MAN'S FACE.

MAN: (LOVINGLY)
Oh Dolly, you have such lovely wool.. I mean hair..

STILL CLOSE UP ON MAN'S FACE.

MAN:
Oh Dolly..(PAUSE, THEN EXCITEDLY) Say baa for me Dolly! Oh, p-p-please...

WE PULL BACK TO REVEAL A BEDROOM SCENE AND THAT DOLLY IS A WOMAN.

WOMAN: (WEARILY)
I'm tired of pretending to be a sheep. What's wrong with you Stanley?

THE SAMPLE

WOMAN
So babe your all set for your sample tomorrow?

MAN
(Sarcastic) Yea can't wait

WOMAN
Dont be like that. This is'nt a game you know. We want a baby. I have to have far more invasive tests.

MAN
Oh so you have to worry about meeting someone you know on the train & them asking "Why are you off to London then?

WOMAN
You don't have to tell them it's for a wank though do you ...Dickhead?

MAN
I am a terrible liar you said so yourself. Anyway I will be such a state It will just gush out. The reason not the you know.

WOMAN
Look I have had my fanny prodded & poked. Things have gone inside that are not natural & I am not sure if they have even all come out.
All you have to do is catch a f**king train to Hammersmith & have a wank.

MAN
Last time I was on a train to London I met 3 of my old footie mates.

WOMAN
Did you hear me. Fanny stretched to kingdom come.

MAN
I have to announce to the whole of london & old footie mates that I am off for a wank.

WOMAN
No just the one nurse who will show you to a private room.

MAN
Where a million men have wanked! Ewwww I feel sick. How am I ever going to perform?

WOMAN
Just how many vaginas do you think my gynacologist has been up?

Man
Vile!

WOMAN
If there are problems things could get much worse.

MAN
Yea my mates could inform the rest of the footie lads & before you know it I am the cock of all jokes.

WOMAN
Your selfishness is beyond belief. I may have to be sliced open. They want to put dye in my f**king tubes. How painful is that.

MAN
As soon as I start following the signs for "Fertility department", rubbing my cock to get an erection while I wander down the corridors, every patient & member of staff in the whole of Hammersmith Hospital is going to know I am a wanker.

WOMAN
Well you are a wanker

MAN
And your a stretched open fanny slut.

WOMAN
F**k it I don't want your ugly babies any more.

MAN
Good! I don't want the first thing my babies see, to be your enormous, half waxed, higgledy piggledy shaved, c**t.

WOMAN
Fine! I am off to bed. F**k Hammersmith! F**k the sample & f**k you.

MAN
Laura! I am sorry. I am just nervous. You have a lovely vagina really.

WOMAN
Would you like me to come with?

MAN NODS.

CUT TO

Woman & man on a train. The entire old footbal team mates of the husband get on the train.

One of the mates
Gary! Long time no see mate. What you up too?

MAN
(Gulps & Looks at woman for help. Woman slides into seat embarrased.)
Erm Off to hospital to get some gynacologists out of Laura's enormous fanny.

A HUSBAND AND WIFE ARE SITTING IN THE LIVING ROOM WATCHING AN ADVERT ON TV. WE SEE A PRESENTER, AND ON EITHER SIDE OF HIM, WE SEE A BEAUTIFUL BUSTY BLONDE, AND A BLACK MAN (TALL, HANDSOME, AND MUSCULAR.)

PRESENTER:
Coming to your area soon. The Ideal Partner Exhibition. We have male and female, all colours, religions and nationalities. Pop along, fill out a form with your bank details and what you're looking for, and take away your ideal partner immediately. No other dating agency can beat our competitive prices. Discounts for OAPs and the unemployed.

HUSBAND:
(smiling) Sounds like a good idea. I might find the woman of my dreams.

WIFE:
(angrily) If you go there I'll chop your balls off.

HUSBAND:
You can come too. A bit on the side might spice up our love life.

WIFE:
(Warming to the idea) Okay then.

TWO DAYS LATER THEY GO TO THE EXHIBITION AND FILL OUT THE FORMS. THEN THE PRESENTER SHOWS THEM INTO A ROOM FULL OF MEN AND WOMEN, DIFFERENT NATIONALITIES ETC. WHO ARE SWARMING AROUND.

PRESENTER:
Now what you do is, find the person who matches the description on your card. The others will do the same. Okay? Off you go.

THE HUSBAND STANDS IN FRONT OF A BUSTY BLONDE.

HUSBAND:
You're exactly what I'm looking for.

BUSTY BLONDE:
Well you're not. Piss off.

THE HUSBAND TRIES ALL THE WOMEN, EVEN THE UGLY ONES, ALL TO NO AVAIL. HE LEAVES THE ROOM AND STANDS OUTSIDE. THE WIFE JOINS HIM A FEW MINUTES LATER.

HUSBAND:
Any luck.

WIFE:
(Nodding) I found exactly what I was looking for.

JUST THEN A MAN STANDS NEXT TO HER (HANDSOME, MUSCULAR)

HUSBAND:
You've cracked it there. How much did he cost?

WIFE:
An arm and a leg.

THE HUSBAND NOTICES HIS WIFE IS MISSING AN ARM AND LEG. THE WIFE STARTS HOPPING THEN TOPPLES OVER.

MOVIE TRAILER.

VOICE OVER:
When Fred's car breaks down on his way home from work he hitches a lift on a bicycle. But when you have worked for almost eight full hours the gentle bumps felt whilst sitting on the bar of a bike can be enough to send you to sleep.

Unbeknownst to Fred, the cyclist who is what's known as a mysterious stranger also sleeps.

In a deadly game of cat and mouse that neither party are remotely aware of the game unfolds.

Who will wake first and who will have the nicest dreams? But Fred is also caught in a dramatic race against time. As we reach the nail-biting finale, will Fred wake before they pass his house?

From the man who brought you to the hospital when you were seven and the man who knocked you down in the first place, comes a Contradictory Film.

Just do your best not to sleep through it, otherwise you might miss 'The Stop'.

END.

EXT DAY -A STREET
A WOMAN WITH ONE ARM 5 TIMES BIGGER THAN THE OTHER AND SHAPED LIKE A GIANT MARROW SAUNTERS DOWN THE STREET.

SHE SEES A MAN WITH THE SAME CONDITION. THEIR EYES MEET. SHE SMILES AND LICKS HER LIPS.

WOMAN:
HIYAAAA! WHAT'S HAPPENIN'?

MAN:
PISS OFF, FREAK!

THE WOMAN LOOKS PUZZLED AND CRESTFALLEN. THE MAN EMBRACES A GORGEOUS MODEL TYPE AND THEY CLIMB INTO A SPORTS CAR. AS THE WOMAN LOOKS DEJECTED, THE GORGEOUS MODEL SQUATS DOWN AND SHITS ON THE PAVEMENT.

THEY DRIVE OFF.
FADE