Skit Comp 11-21.8.10

Excellent batch this week so big congratulations to TIMBO and KASM for winning! Enjoy, have 10 points apiece and PM me for next week's subject please...
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

4 - 10 - Timbo, Kasm
2 - 5 - Roscoff
1 - 1 - Michael Monkhouse, Otterfox, AngieBaby, Afinkawan
Honorary mention: Nigel Kelly, Frankie, Sootyj, JayH, Bushbaby

Your new subject: BAD NEWS
Rules:
One entry per person. Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 21.8.10 (I'm on holiday!)

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

149 - Mr Sunshine
133 - Cool Mikado
123 - Otterfox
115 - Kasm
112 - Chris Forshaw
108 - Frankie Rage
104 - Nigel Kelly
98 - Fred Peters
97 - Michael Monkhouse
94 - Timbo
87 - Charley Rance
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
57 - AngieBaby
55 - Scratchyr
43 - Gerry McDonnell
36 - Afinkawan
32 - Alex Mahon, Swerytd, Paul Watson
28 - Leevil
26 - David Chapman
23 - Craig H
22 - Blobster
21 - Mikey J, Roscoff
20 - Bushbaby, James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Nil Putters, Cinnamon, Dale
12 - Geoff Mutton, Badge, Will Cam
11 - Steven
10 - Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O, James, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Tumble, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Stephen Birch, Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a tinker's cuss, so PM me. Thanks...

SHERLOCK MOANS

SHERLOCK HOLMES' study.

Holmes writes at his desk, ignoring DOCTOR WATSON standing there.

WATSON Gosh Holmes, I always get so bally excited when I see you, what outrageous antics shall we get up to this time?

HOLMES Piss off Watson, you're fired.

WATSON I - I'm sorry?

HOLMES You heard. I got a new TV series, they don't want you, I don't want you, sod off.

WATSON You're not serious, surely?

HOLMES Of course I'm serious, I'm Sherlock Holmes, I'm hardly noted for my whacky knockabout crazy sense of fun am I? 'Move over Mr Bean, put that custard pie away Stan Laurel, get yer pants back on Benny Hill, here's Sherlock, you'll piss yourself for a week?' Now sling yer 'ook, I'm busy.

WATSON But after all we've been through...

HOLMES What have we been through Watson? The Horror of the Deadly Man-Hunter, I single-handedly unmasked the murderer and risked life and limb in deadly combat while you bravely opened the door for me... The Mystery of the Horrendous Werewolf, I alone uncovered his whereabouts and suffered its awful pong till he returned only to be mercilessly dismantled by yours truly while you sat there going 'Jolly good show Holmes...' The Curse of the Infested Kebab, where I persisted in tracking down the fast-food villain and burnt down his entire late-night joint while you wiped my bottom. Well I can wipe my own bottom now guv'nor, so bugger off out of it.

WATSON I don't understand...

HOLMES Of course you don't understand, you're Doctor Watson, you're thicker than a Pussy Cat Dolls fan at a feminist convention, whyja think we're getting rid of you? I mean this is just so bleedin' British innit, the Americans have stars like Iron Man, Superman, Spiderman, we got you: 'Yes Holmes, no Holmes, three bags full Holmes.' I go 'Watson you're a twot,' you go 'Thank you Holmes'... 'You ain't got a friggin' clue mate' - 'That's right Holmes...' And you ain't even embarrassed about it. You write about it. Publish it for Chrissakes. 'Today Sherlock Holmes called me a tart. The man's a genius...' You know, with my amazing brain I can't believe it never occurred to me to kick you out before.

WATSON But - who could ever replace me?

HOLMES Well I've been discussing that with the heads of TV, we reckon maybe Cheryl Cole.

WATSON Is she the lady who sang 'All I Wanna Do is Have Some Fun'?

HOLMES See what I mean? We're getting a new series, tryna attract the younger generation. Imagine some frustrated semi-pubescent acne freak at home, more seed down there than the Budgie Protection Brigade, does he wanna see that well-fit sexpot sexbomb Cheryl, (sings) 'We gotta fight fight fight fight fight for this lurve,' or some never-really-has-been with a pipe that went out of fashion the day before he bought it, a haircut that makes Belsen look like Stringfellow's and a suit tighter than Sarah Ferguson?

WATSON Perhaps you're right.

HOLMES Of course I'm right. I'm Sherlock Holmes.

WATSON (tearful) Then - goodbye Holmes.

HOLMES See you mate.

WATSON You're - special.

HOLMES I know.

WATSON Yes you know. You know all. You're - Sherlock Holmes.

Watson starts to leave, disconsolate.

HOLMES Watson?

WATSON Yes Sir?

HOLMES I'm joking.

WATSON No - oh you fiend Holmes! How could you...

HOLMES It's a new series, we're trying to lighten things up a bit. I had you going there didn't I?

WATSON You certainly did Holmes.

HOLMES Now you toodle off and do my shopping, sort my files out - no messing it up or I'll set the Hound of the Baskervilles on you - basically just debase yourself like a doormat before my gargantuan brain and we'll all be happy.

WATSON Right away Holmes.

HOLMES Elementary, eh?

WATSON Holmes I love you. (leaves)

HOLMES What a tosser.

DOCTOR: Ah, Mr Cake. Come in, sit down.

Mr. CAKE: Hello doctor, have my test results come through?

DOCTOR: Yes they have....I'm afraid it's bad news.

Mr. CAKE: Just...just give it to me straight doctor, I can take it.

DOCTOR: Well...the test results show that you have a zero sperm count.

Mr. CAKE: You mean...?

DOCTOR: Yes, I'm afraid you're a Jaffa Cake.

Mr Brown a transvestite swirls into the doctor's surgery & takes a seat opposite the doctor.

Mr Brown
(Put on lady Voice)I feel worse than I did last week Doctor.

Doctor
Yes well I have the results of your blood test back & I am afraid I have some bad news.

Mr Brown
(Shocked face) Oh My God I knew it! What is it?

Doctor
(Smiles) Guess?

Mr Brown
(Loud gasp)HUH?????

Doctor
(Big grin) Guess go on, I love guessing games.

Mr Brown
(Puzzled expression) Cancer?

Doctor
Noooooo! Your too cold Guess again go on (Nudges him)

Mr Brown
(Frowning) Aids?

Doctor
Noooooo! Your getting colder ....Again

Mr Brown
(Bottom lip trembling) Alzheimer's

DOCTOR
(Laughs) Noooooooo! Your Freezing guess AGAIN

Mr Brown
(Starts to cry in a lady way) Please just tell me

Doctor
Again, again again

Mr Brown
(Throughpursed lips & gritted teeth) Brain Tumour, Heart disease, Parkinsons?

Doctor
You are rubbish at this. Its like a bloody Igloo in here (Wraps his arms around himself & chatters his teeth)

Mr Brown
(High pitched voice) Multiple Sclerosis

Doctor
No no no no no! (Shakes his head in disbelief)

Mr Brown
(Wringing his hands) look please tell me what I have

Doctor
Would you like a clue?

Mr Brown.
(Gets up from his seat & towers over the doctor)(MAN VOICE)) JUST TELL ME!!!!!!

Doctor
(Big Sigh) Okey Dokey please sit down.
Mr Brown I am afraid you are suffering from a disorder known as Men In Tight Us. (laughs so hard he falls from his chair)

YOUNG SCIENTIST: I'm sorry but I have to let you go.

OLD BOFFIN: Are you sure?

YOUNG SCIENTIST: Yes, you're just not what we're looking for at Blofeld Industries.

OLD BOFFIN: But look at the stuff that I've done with sub-atomic particles!

YOUNG SCIENTIST: Strange, Charmed and Weird, you mean? Sorry but my mind's made up. You have to go.

OLD BOFFIN: You mean?

YOUNG SCIENTIST: Your quark days are over.

1. INT DOCTORS SURGERY. A MAN IS STANDING WITH HIS BACK TO US AND A FEMALE DOCTOR IS BENDING DOWN EXAMINING HIS PRIVATES. SHE STANDS UP AND SLOWLY TAKES OFF HER RUBBER GLOVES

DOCTOR:
I'm afraid I've some bad news Mr Jarvis.It would appear that you've got a very serious and painful case of genital herpes. I think you need to talk this over with your wife.

MR JARVIS
Oh God. How could I be so stupid. I only cheated once and this happens.

DOCTOR
Never mind, there is some good news.

SHE REACHES INTO HER DRAWER AND PULLS OUT A CAMERA POINTING IT AT HIS PRIVATES

DOCTOR
This is the perfect shade of violent crimson I want for our living room. Can you let yourself out, I'm just off to B&Q.

WIFE IS SOBBING HER HEART OUT SOUNDS LIKE LUCILLE BALL. HUSBAND IS TRYING TO CONSOLE HER.

HUSBAND

Darling I know it's hard when they've flown the nest but we have to let them go and live out their own dreams.

WIFE
I know but-

HUSBAND
No buts, they're only at uni, they'll visit from time to time.

WIFE
I know but-

HUSBAND

We'll be able to do that cruise now and a world trip. Parties without their friends sneaking in and drinking all the booze.
It'll be peaceful, yes I can't just picture it. Love making without them knocking on the wall. It's all about us two from now on.

WIFE
I know but I'm pregnant.

HE HOWLS LIKE LUCILLE BALL

INT. MORNING. KITCHEN.

A MAN (SEAN) IS IN HIS KITCHEN MAKING BREAKFAST. HE IS WEARING RUNNING GEAR. THE RADIO CAN BE HEARD FAINTLY IN THE BACKGROUND.

HE POURS MILK INTO HIS TEA BUT TASTES IT AND REALISES IT IS GONE OFF SO HE THROWS IT OUT AND MAKES A FRESH CUP. HE THEN BUTTERS HIS TOAST AND THE KNIFE FALLS ON THE GROUND. HE POLISHES OFF A BANANA AND THROWS THE SKIN INTO THE BIN FROM HIS SEATED POSITION AND CLINCHES HIS FIST IN CELEBRATION.

HE TURNS UP THE RADIO.

RADIO:

....(jovial)And now for our weekly round-up of the local bad news.... A woman was found swollen under a paint brush today. The doctors spend several hours trying to get to the route cause of the problem but it just turned out that she was really fat...

A writer was arrested for physical abuse on a fellow writer after he stuck twigs into his lips and hit him in the sides repeatedly with a cricket bat but claims that he simply 'misheard' what his writing partner said.

The accused said that his writing partner actually said "I like sticking to the script but I love ad libs", but what he heard was:

"I like sticks in the lips but I love cracked ribs."

A DOG HOPS UP ON SEANS LAP.

SEAN:

(to dog) Okay, let's take you for that run.

SEAN PUTS ON HIS EARPHONES AS THEY HEAD OUT THE DOOR. THE 'BAD NEWS' CAN STILL BE HEARD.

RADIO:

And finally a bizarre story to finish off our bad news segment. A man was rushed to hospital today suffering from a hypothermic face and lesions caused by feathers when his head was frozen.

The unfortunate incident occurred when the man was out jogging with his dog*

SEAN BENDS DOWN AND TIES HIS LACE.

RADIO:

*The dog escaped off his leash and began chasing ducks in the park. His owner gave chase but managed to trip over a duck. His head struck the ducks nest which was filled with feathers before falling into the lake. At this point he abandoned his jog and trudged back home.

Unfortunately this was not the end of his bad fortune as when he was passing a frozen meat packing facility a valve burst, spraying ice all over his head freezing his head and embedding the feathers in his face.

SEAN:

....The poor bastard...

SEAN BEGINS TO START JOGGING WITH THE DOG.

RADIO:

Earlier in the day the man found his milk to be gone off and dropped his knife when buttering his toast. Things got a little better when he managed to get his banana skin into the bin from quite a long way away.

SEAN STOPS IN HIS TRACKS UTTERLY SHOCKED.

RADIO:

He tied his lace just before he set out on his jog but was still unable to avoid the catastrophe that unfolded.

SEAN:

That's it! We're going home. That's waaay to freaky. Did that just actually happen!?!

THEY ENTER THE FRONT DOOR.

SEAN:

I'm not setting foot outside that door! That was the weirdest thing I ever heard! I'm going to have that DVD day I promised myself ages ago.

CUT TO SEAN WATCHING A DVD WITH A BEER HOLDER FILLED WITH BOTTLES OF BEER. HIS DOG ENTERS DRIPPING WITH MUD.

SEAN:

What the hell happened to you? Fall into a slurry pit? Become a member of the Viet Cong? I just washed you and that floor yesterday! We better get you into the bath pronto!

SEAN IS WASHING THE DOG WHEN HE TRIPS OVER THE LEASH AND FALLS INTO THE BATH.

SEAN:

God damn it! Of all the falls.....

SEAN STANDS UP, GETS OUT OF THE BATH AND COMPOSES HIMSELF. JUST THEN 2 FIGHTING PIGEONS BURST THROUGH THE WINDOW LANDING ON SEANS FACE, COVERING HIM IN FEATHERS. HE REELS BACKWARDS AND FALLS ONTO HIS BEER HOLDER WHICH IS FULL OF ICE, FREEZING HIS HEAD AND EMBEDDING THE FEATHERS IN HIS FACE.

SEAN WAKES UP. HE IS IN BED AND ABRUPTLY SITS UP AND REALISES IT HAS ALL BEEN A BAD DREAM. HE IS BREATHING HEAVILY AND HIS FACE IS DRIPPING WITH SWEAT. HE BREATHES A HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF.

HE FLUFFS HIS PILLOW BUT IT BURSTS FILLING HIS FACE WITH FEATHERS AS THEY STICK TO THE SWEAT. HE WALKS OVER TO THE WINDOW TO GET SOME AIR. HE OPENS THE WINDOW BUT FREEZING ARCTIC AIR BLOWS IN FREEZING HIS HEAD AND THE FEATHERS FREEZE TO HIS FACE.

END.

The Mystic

(A mystic's tent. A couple are sat at her table. The mystic is sat opposite moving her hands over a crystal ball. She speaks in an overly dramatic way)

Wife:
Madame Pomfrey, we'd like you to do a reading for our unborn child.

Pomfrey:
Hmmmmmm! Whoa whoa whoa when......when........is the baby due?

Husband:
Early March.

Pomfrey:
Early March you say.

Woman:
Is that bad?

Pomfrey:
Beware the Ides of March.

Husband:
Oh dear.

Pomfrey:
No no! 'Tis a goodly omen. I see a strong young man. A leader of men!

Woman:
That's good isn't it Gerald.

Husband:
Excellent.

Pomfrey:
I'm seeing a great intellect. Mercury will be in retrograde and Mars will be moving this way.

(Makes big circles with her arms)

Woman:
See I told you this was a good idea.

Pomfrey:
Your child will be on the cusp...the cusp of Virgo and Pisces.

Husband:
Is that good as well?

Pomfrey:
(Standing and grabbing crystal ball)

YES! YES! YE.....

(In ordinary voice sitting)

Well no actually. This kid is gonna be butt ugly. I mean face like a train wreck. Teeth going one way eyes going another and he'll be as bald as a coot. If it was an animal they'd shoot it. That'll be five pounds please.

Wife:
Are you sure?

Pomfrey:
Dead. Now give us the money and f**k off.

(They pay the money, stand and walk out together)

Husband:
That was a bit of a shock.

Woman:
Yes, well it could have been worse.

Husband:
Really? I suppose so. He will be highly intelligent and a leader of men.

Woman:
Never mind about that. He could have been ginger.

LET'S FORM A BAND

Mac
Hiya Kit

Kit
Howdeedoodee Mac

Mac
I've had this great idea

Kit
Stand in shop windows and pretend to be dummies.

Mac
Er... No.

Kit
Stick mirrors on your shoes so you can see up skirts

Mac
NO!

Kit
Chop off one of your feet to save on shoe repairs.

Mac
You're mental.

Kit
What's your big idea then?

Mac
We form a band!

Kit
And....

Mac
Y'know. Sex and drugs and rock and roll. Why not?

Kit
I can think of three reasons.

Mac
Like what?

Kit
One. Sex. Nobody fancies you. Which is because you're as ugly as a mouldy potato.
Two. Drugs. You get a headache if you take an aspirin, and three. You're about as rock and roll as my granny. In fact not as much, she can play the guitar part to smoke on the water.

Mac
No she can't!

Kit
She can! I've heard her.

Mac
Maybe we should ask her to join.

Kit
Join what?

Mac
The Band!

Kit
It's a joke, right?

Mac
Look, why shouldn't we form a band?

Kit
Well for two things, you can't sing or play an instrument.

Mac
I can sing.

Kit
When have you ever sung?

Mac
I sang on the karaoke once.

Kit
Oh yeah, I remember. Wasn't that the night the landlord chucked you out?

Mac
That was unfair. I was buying drinks.

Kit
Everyone else was leaving in case you did another song.

Mac
No they weren't!

Kit
They were!

Mac
They were not leaving because of my singing.

Kit
You may be right... it could have been because of your body odour.

Mac
You're jealous

Kit
Of what?

Mac
That I can sing!

Kit
Your singing sounds like a donkey having a leg amputated by a chainsaw without anaesthetic.

Mac
Jea-lous!

Kit
Sorry to break the bad news to you Mac, but you are ugly and you have no talent. What on earth gave you the idea to form a band?

Mac
It worked for Geri Halliwell.

Kit
True...

INT. SUBURBAN HALLWAY. NIGHT

PETE (40s) COMES IN WEARING OVERALLS AND A FLUORESCENT TABARD. HIS WIFE (RITA), IN A PINAFORE, WRINGS HER HANDS NERVOUSLY. SHE LEANS IN TO KISS HIM BUT REELS FROM THE ODOUR.

PETE
Hello, luv. Woz fer us tea, pet?

RITA (DISTRACTED)
I've been all a tizzie, the whole day, hunny bee. I wanted to open it.

PETE FROWNS AT HER AND IS SUDDENLY STUNNED AS SHE PRODUCES AN ENVELOPE BEARING THE BBC LOGO FROM HER PINNY. PETE'S HANDS SHAKE AS HE TAKES IT AND OPENS IT. SUDDENLY HIS MOOD DARKENS.

PETE
Bloody F**k-Muppets!! Tha' was some of me best jokes and skits ah sent the tossers. I'm wastin' me bastard life even tryin' - ain't I?

RITA (CHIN CRUMPLES PATHETICALLY)
Oh, baby-cakes...

PETE SUDDENLY KICKS THE COAT STAND AND THROWS HIS LUNCHBOX ON THE FLOOR, STAMPING ON IT SAVAGELY WHILE RITA COWERS.

PETE
Enough! I f**king gettit now! I'm a sewage operative - I should just be satisfied wi' that. They bloody southern Jessies couldna recognise talent if it stabbed 'em up t' arse! Well, no more, I say. Ya've beaten me!

HE SCREWS UP THE LETTER AND HURLS IT AWAY BEFORE STOMPING OFF. RITA DABS HER EYES WITH A TISSUE, SCOOPS UP THE LETTER AND PEERS AT IT. WE SEE OVER HER SHOULDER THE SHORT DEPRESSING PARAGRAPH: "DEAR MR KICKALDY, WE READ YOUR MATERIAL WITH INTEREST AND WOULD LIKE YOU TO CO-WRITE THE NEXT SERIES OF 'BIG TOP'..."

RITA'S LIP CURLS WITH CONTEMPT AS SHE CASTS THE NOTE ASIDE

RITA
Bastards!

END

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

A BOY, TIMOTHY, 14 YEARS OLD, IS SITTING ON THE SOFA, HIS PARENTS ARE STANDING OPPOSITE..

FATHER:
Remember yesterday when you asked why you looked different?

TIMOTHY:
Isn't it because mummy slept with another man?

THE FATHER GIVES MOTHER A STERN LOOK. MOTHER BLUSHES. FATHER TURNS TO TIMOTHY.

FATHER:
(grimacing) No, no. Mummy would never do that. She's a good Christian woman.

TIMOTHY:
Then why do I look different?

FATHER:
(Sighing) You're not going to like this. You see, we found you in a bin and decided to keep you..

TIMOTHY:
In a bin? So I'm white trash?

MOTHER:
Of course not. We love you just as if you were our very own. It's just, we can't afford to keep you any more.

TIMOTHY:
What am I supposed to do now?

FATHER:
Go outside and stand next to the wardrobe. There's a bulk trash collection at nine o' clock.

INT. HOSPITAL - DAY

THREE DOCTORS ARE DISCUSSING THEIR NEW BUSINESS VENTURE; THEY'RE ALL WEARING NAME BADGES.

DR CUMM:
I've got some bad news; our plans to open a private practice have hit a stumbling block. The feedback for our proposed surgery name is all negative; we'll have to find an alternative to 'Cumm, Heer and Passaway'.

DR HEER:
Can't we just name it by its location?

DR PASSAWAY:
No-one's going to visit Death Close Surgery.

DR CUMM:
Passaway's right. We'll have to think of something new.

DR HEER:
There's no law that says we have to use our real names, why don't we all create a pseudonym, maybe something that reflects our interests?

DR CUMM:
I've always been fascinated by the military; I like the idea of taking the name of a famous general.

DR HEER:
As you know, I'm a bit of an anorak for all things nautical; I'll happily go with that.

DR PASSAWAY:
I've got no real hobbies; the only thing I really enjoy outside of work is fizzy drink. Name me after this.

DR PASSAWAY HOLDS UP HIS CAN OF COKE:

CUT TO THE SURGERY WITH A LARGE SIGN: 'HANNIBAL, SHIP-MAN AND M'CAN'.

INT: OFFICE
A WOMAN (SHARON) IS SAT AT A DESK, TYPING. ANOTHER WOMAN (TRACEY) ENTERS, HER HAIR IS BEDRAGGLED.

SHARON: So...do we have an office romance?

TRACEY: No! Turns out Bruce is a two-timer and his outfit at the Summer Ball wasn't fancy dress.

SHARON: You mean he's...?

TRACEY: Yes. He's a Werewolf.

SHARON: Did you shag him?

TRACEY: Obviously, I've never had a Werewolf before.

SHARON: Me neither. Did he have a big one?

TRACEY: Well, at first, I thought I'd dropped my lipstick, but once it was fully engorged...

SHARON: Go on....

TRACEY: Let's just say, the neighbours had to throw a bucket of water over us.

SHARON: You look like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards.

TRACEY: I was! Number 16's bitch was on heat.

SHARON: Cheating Werewolf Bastard!

INT. DOCTOR'S SURGERY. DAY.

THE DOCTOR IS SAT AT HIS DESK, A PATIENT IS SAT OPPOSITE.

DOCTOR
I am sorry, it is not good news.

PATIENT
Tell me the worst.

DOCTOR
The results have come back, and we are sure we have isolated the problem.

PATIENT
And?

DOCTOR
I would prefer to avoid medical jargon - and you do understand that this is a preliminary diagnosis? - but the technical term for someone exhibiting your symptoms is 'dead'.

PATIENT
So... is that serious?

DOCTOR
Chronic I am afraid.

PATIENT
Is there nothing that can be done?

DOCTOR
Medical science has come on a long way, but frankly this one has us beat.

PATIENT
So, what is the prognosis?

DOCTOR
Well on the bright side the condition is stable.

PATIENT
Are there any adjustments I should be making to my lifestyle?

DOCTOR
You do need to watch your diet.

PATIENT
Eat healthily?

DOCTOR
Make sure you get plenty of brains.

PATIENT
Thank you doctor.

THE PATIENT STANDS TO LEAVE AND MAKES HIS WAY CLUMSILY TO THE DOOR

PATIENT
(MUTTERING) Brains? (MORE ENTHUSIASTICALLY) Brains, brains, brains...

END.