Cloacca

TIM (NERDY UNATTRACTIVE) SITS OPPOSITE JEN (GORGEOUS) IN AN ASK PIZZA RESTAURANT A WAITER TAKES THEIR ORDER

JEN
Spaghetti carbonara and make sure it's the long variety.

WAITER
What ever you say.

WAITER LEAVES

TIM
So I was kinda shocked when you agreed to go on a date with me.

JEN
Took you long enough to ask.

TIM
Well I'm an IT geek in the basement. And you're the beauteous queen of marketing, too right it took me 6 months to pluck up the courage.

JEN
Besides and I mean this nicely. You "geekier types" are abit more tolerant.

TIM
Tolerant of what?

JEN
My Cloacca.

TIM
Cloe Acka? Is she like your lesbian girl friend or something, cos that would be cool.

JEN
No you fanny. I've got a cloacca.

TIM
What's one of those?

JEN
It's an integrated organ combining the roles of genitalia, eating and excretion.
Common to some breeds of jelly fish.

TIM
Erm but you've got a mouth.

JEN
Purely decorative and speaking. I think it's something to do with my great,great, great grandfather being a squid. According to heritage.com he surprised my great, great, great, great, grandmother on a yachting trip.

TIM
Ok well if it's in heritage.com it must be true.

THE WAITER ARRIVES WITH A LARGE PLATE OF SPAGHETTI

JEN
Shall we share? Don't worry I'll pretend to eat with my mouth.

TIM
Ok, I mean you are way out of my league so what the hell.

JEN CAREFULLY SLIDES ONE STRAND OF SPAGHETTI UNDER HER SKIRT AND SEXILY TOYS WITH THE OTHER AS IF EATING IT. THE SPAGHETTI IS SLOWLY SUCKED UP HER SKIRT.

TIM NERVOUSLY STARTS TO EAT WITH A FORK.

JEN
You know my favourite Disney cartoon is Lady and the Tramp..

TIM PUTS DOWN THE FORK AND PUTS A STRAND OF SPAGHETTI IN HIS MOUTH

TIM AND JEN NOW REENACT THE FAMOUS SCENE, WITH THE SPAGHETTI SLOWLY DISAPEARING UUP JEN'S SKIRT

SUDDENLY THE SPAGHETTI DISAPEARS UP JEN'S SKIRT AT GREAT SPEED, TIM HURTLES FACE FIRST INTO HER LAP.

TIM
Ow I was enjoying that. What happened?

JEN
Ok so I get turned on by classic Disney cartoons. Do you want to know all my secrets on our first date?

That did make me laugh SootyJ
But when I heard Cloaca I immediately thought of the Chickens one, which they don't often eat from.

I do think this could be played a tad more straight though, as the premise is a funny one on it's own.

And you could get out with the mention of the lady & the tramp and leave the rest to the imagination perhaps?

You know this was me trying straight dialogue, I really can't do it damn it!

Quote: sootyj @ August 4 2010, 10:58 PM BST

You know this was me trying straight dialogue, I really can't do it damn it!

View original

No you did, that's why I thought one or two of the gags weren't needed.

I thought the Chloe Acka & the Fanny lines weren't needed/

eDIT 2 [

quote name="sootyj" post="649453" date="August 4 2010, 10:47 PM BST"]TIM (NERDY UNATTRACTIVE) SITS OPPOSITE JEN (GORGEOUS) IN AN ASK PIZZA RESTAURANT A WAITER TAKES THEIR ORDER

JEN
Spaghetti carbonara and make sure it's the long variety.

WAITER
What ever you say.

WAITER LEAVES

TIM
So I was kinda shocked when you agreed to go on a date with me.

JEN
Took you long enough to ask.

TIM
Well I'm an IT geek in the basement. And you're the beauteous queen of marketing, too right it took me 6 months to pluck up the courage.

JEN
Besides and I mean this nicely. You "geekier types" are abit more tolerant.

TIM
Tolerant of what?

JEN
My Cloacca.

TIM
What's one of those?.

JEN
It's an integrated organ combining the roles of genitalia, eating and excretion.
Common to some breeds of jelly fish and chickens albeit there's isn't used in consumption.

TIM
Erm but you've got a mouth.

JEN
Purely decorative and speaking. I think it's something to do with my great,great, great grandfather being a squid. At least according to heritage.com he was.

TIM
Amazing what you find on heritage.com isn't it? So erm how are those monthly marketing returns going.

JEN
No need to be awkward, your sweet.

THE WAITER ARRIVES WITH A LARGE PLATE OF SPAGHETTI

JEN
Shall we share? Don't worry I'll pretend to eat with my mouth.

TIM
Ok, I mean you are way out of my league so what the hell.

JEN CAREFULLY SLIDES ONE STRAND OF SPAGHETTI UNDER HER SKIRT AND SEXILY TOYS WITH THE OTHER AS IF EATING IT. THE SPAGHETTI IS SLOWLY SUCKED UP HER SKIRT.

TIM NERVOUSLY STARTS TO EAT WITH A FORK.

JEN
You know my favourite Disney cartoon is Lady and the Tramp..

TIM PUTS DOWN THE FORK AND PUTS A STRAND OF SPAGHETTI IN HIS MOUTH
AND UNEASILY STARTS TO EAT, AS HE SEE'S THE SPAGHETTI DISAPEARING UP JEN'S SKIRT[/quote]

Any straighter?

For me the edit works better.
And quick service too.

That would make me laugh if I saw it on TV

Thanks

Pretty unlikely though

I know , I'm not really one for laughing.

Like it. Though I wish hadn't breakfasted five minutes ago. If you managed to get an HP Lovecraft reference in there you deserve extra points. It'd be interesting if his meal turned up later and it was calamari.

This is great Sootyj. I reckon you could cut down the stuff about him taking ages to ask her out just a little more, the sooner you get into the main part the better I think. Prefer the second version too.

Hmm interesting, I think I wanted to mess around with a slower intro. Maybe have the meat more surprsing?

I do like the long Spaghetti gag, which you can only get after a few lines later. On re reading maybe I was too quick to judge on the intro but at the time I was confused as to why it was being set up that he was an IT geek. I assumed that this would be integral to the up coming gag, so I was a little thrown. But could just me. Nobody else seems to have nitpicked the intro so, you know, ignore me.

Nah it's cool maybe it is a distraction, I just wanted to show his herd was nerd.

I get you. Then maybe a subtler way would be good as I think:

"Well I'm an IT geek in the basement. And you're the beauteous queen of marketing, too right it took me 6 months to pluck up the courage."

is a bit clunky, and I know how good you are with subtle