INT. CASTLE CHAMBER - DAY
KING ARTHUR AND THE ROYAL CARPENTER ENTER A LARGE CHAMBER, WITHIN WHICH IS A LARGE ROUND TABLE.
KING ARTHUR
...I didn't even have to pull that hard - it just came out--
ROYAL CARPENTER
Ta dah!
KING ARTHUR
What am I looking at?
KING ARTHUR
The table. Isn't she a beauty. I've had the best craftsman in England slaving over this. Just look at the finish on that.
KING ARTHUR
It's nice, I suppose. Quite round.
ROYAL CARPENTER
Yes, your highness, well spotted. It is, in fact, perfectly round. It's so round I thought we could make a feature of its roundness - we could call it "The Round Table"
ARTHUR GLARES AT THE CARPENTER.
ROYAL CARPENTER
Of course that would be entirely your decision, your highness.
KING ARTHUR
Alright, well... Where do I sit?
ROYAL CARPENTER
Ah, that's the beauty of "The Round Table" - it doesn't matter where you sit. No seat has priority over any other thus symbolising the equality and fraternity of the brotherhood of knights.
KING ARTHUR
Sure, sure.... But where's the head of the table?
ROYAL CARPENTER
There isn't one. Because then that would ruin the whole concept, do you see?
KING ARTHUR
Ah, right, Okay I think I get it
ARTHUR AND THE CARPENTER SHARE A LAUGH
ARTHUR STOPS LAUGHING ABRUPTLY
KING ARTHUR
But seriously, where's my bit? Where does yours truly park when I'm being king... and shit.
ROYAL CARPENTER
Anywhere your highness likes.
KING ARTHUR LOOKS CONFUSED
KING ARTHUR
But I get a big chair, right? I get my throne moved in here, yeah? To show I'm not just one of the riff-raff.
ROYAL CARPENTER
That would kind of destroy the aesthetic.
KING ARTHUR
Carpenter, do you know what it's like to be King? It's not all munching chicken legs and jousting wenches. It's more like one long, dreary round of bureaucracy and diplomacy. The only high spot is that people give you a bit of respect now and again. So if you think I'm going to sit around this wanky table of yours like every other pleb then you've got another think coming.
KING ARTHUR STORMS OUT THE CHAMBER
ROYAL CARPENTER
But the aesthetic, sire.
KING ARTHUR
(SHOUTS) Sod, the aesthetic. I demand respect!
CUT TO -
INT. CASTLE CHAMBER - LATER
SIR LANCELOT AND FELLOW KNIGHTS SIT AT THE ROUND TABLE. INITIALLY ARTHUR IS UNSEEN.
SIR LANCELOT
... I had to explain to him what the grail was. He'd never heard of such a thing
WE SEE SIR GAWAIN WHO IS SAT AT THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE TABLE.
SIR GAWAIN
I had the same problem...
THERE IS A SOUND OF SQEUAKING
SIR GAWAIN
... they looked at me like I was speaking a different language, quite frankly.
SIR TRISTAN
You know, it might help if we...
KING ARTHUR (O.O.V.)
Wait.
MORE SQUEAKING.
SIR TRISTAN
It might help if we had a picture or something.
WE SEE KING ARTHUR. AT THE CENTRE OF THE TABLE IS A HOLE. IN THE HOLE ARTHUR SITS ON A (SQUEAKY) REVOLVING CHAIR. AS EACH KNIGHT TALKS ARTHUR SPINS ROUND TO LOOK AT THEM.
SIR LANCELOT
We could have a court artist knock up a drawing.
SIR GAWAIN
Yeah, that would be good.
KING ARTHUR
Sorry. Sorry, can we stop for a second. I'm feeling a bit queasy again. I don't think this is working.
END