A few pages of a comedy I'm working on. It's an episode from a sitcom I'm working on. I'd love some crits.
INT. FATHER MACCAFFREY'S HOUSE - MORNING (8 O' CLOCK)
FATHER MACCAFFREY IS SITTING AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE READING THE BRAMBLEBUSH GAZZETTE, WHILE MRS GREEN, HIS HOUSEKEEPER (LATE THIRTIES, QUITE PRETTY, SLIM) IS FEATHER DUSTING THE FURNITURE.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Honestly. reading this rag you'd think there's nothing important happening in the country. I mean look at this on the front page. how you build your bonfire says a lot about your personality.
MRS GREEN:
It depends on what type of wood they use.
FATHER MACCAFFREY PUTS DOWN HIS PAPER AND GIVES HER A QUIZZICAL LOOK.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
What?
MRS GREEN:
Well if they use old wardrobes they want to start a new phase in their life.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
What?
MRS GREEN:
Out with old, in with the new. Simple.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
And tables?
MRS GREEN:
They want to break up a relationship.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
And how do you come to that conclusion?
MRS GREEN:
People sit round tables. By burning them you're destroying that relationship.
FATHER MACCAFFREY SCANS THE ARTICLE.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
That's exactly what it says here.
MRS GREEN:
I know. I wrote it.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
My, my. You are a woman of obvious talent, Mrs Green. And what if they burn, say, I don't know, a desk. Are they looking for a new job?
MRS GREEN:
Hahahaha! You are a one. Of course not.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Then, what?
MRS GREEN:
It means they are looking for promotion.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Oh, how silly of me. And if they don't own any of these things?
MRS GREEN:
They're just having a good time. Don't know why you're interested. You're obviously an unbeliever.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Unbeliever?
MRS GREEN:
In all things non-religious.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Oh, I wouldn't say that. I've studied witchcraft, paganism, communism, atheism, socialism, fascism...you name it, I've studied it. And do you know what I've learned? Life is complicated no matter how you look at it.
MRS GREEN:
But you have devotion. Not many people can say that nowadays. My mum said when she was younger people were more devoted to their kids, wives, husbands, and religion. Nowadays the only way you get people's attention is to start a fight.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
I bet the church was pretty full when she was young.
MRS GREEN:
Even when I was young. Confession on Saturday evenings. Sinning on Saturday nights. Church on Sundays. Life seemed a lot easier back then.
FATHER MACCAFFREY SIGHS.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. Nobody seems to believe in God anymore.
MRS GREEN:
Oh come now, Father. Of course they do. It's just institutions like yours are uncool nowadays. This generation much prefer to play computer games, get drunk, vomit and sleep around. And do you know what? They're probably more insecure now than they've ever been. That's where you come in. They need guidance. You've got to be strong for those people our there. They need you, even if they pretend they don't. Besides, you're cheaper than a psychiatrist.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
I suppose I am. Mrs Green what would I do without you?
MRS GREEN:
Mope around?
.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Probably. Father Taylor must have found you a pleasure to work with.
MRS GREEN:
(SMILING MISCHIEVOUSLY)In more ways than one, Father Maccaffery.
FATHER MACCAFFREY STARES AT HER WIDE-EYED.
Int. ST JAMES CHURCH - MONDAY MORNING
FATHER MACCAFFREY ENTERS THE CHURCH AND SEES TWO TEENAGE BOYS (ONE TALL, ONE SMALL,) LIFTING A PEW.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
(LOOKING SHOCKED) What the hell are you doing?
THE SMALLER BOY SHOVES HIS TONGUE BEHIND HIS BOTTOM LIP.
SMALL BOY
Duh-uh! It's Guy Fawkes, innit?
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Put that down at once.
TALL BOY:
Why? Nobody uses them. And they're rotten.
HE POINTS TO A SPOT THAT HAS ROTTED WITH WOODWORM.
TALL BOY: (CONT.)
Look at that. Not much use to anyone. And it stinks of pee.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
So would you if Mrs Dawson sat on you every Sunday morning. Now put it back.
SMALL BOY
Make us.
FATHER MACCAFFREY MARCHES OVER AND SLAPS HIM ON THE HEAD.
SMALL BOY
Ow! That hurt.
HE DROPS THE PEW AND IT FALLS ON THE TALLER BOY'S FOOT.
TALL BOY
Ow! You idiot.
THE TALLER BOY ALSO DROPS THE PEW AND BENDS TO MASSAGE HIS SORE FOOT. THE SMALL BOY TURNS TO FATHER MACCAFFREY.
SMALL BOY:
I'll get the police. They'll throw you in jail.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
And I'll spraypaint your name along the side of the church and put grass next to it. (HE PRETENDS TO LOOK AROUND.) Now where did I put that spray paint.
THE BOYS LEAVE THE PEW AND WALK PAST HIM CAUTIOUSLY. FATHER MACCAFFREY GIVES THEM A THREATENING LOOK.
TALL BOY:
Hope they turn this place into a mosque.
THEY BOTH RUN OUT THE DOOR.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
(BLOWING INTO HIS HANDS) At least it'll have carpets. (HE LOOKS SKYWARDS.)Why won't the bishop give me money to heat the place?
SCENE 2 EXT. OUTSIDE CHURCH - MORNING.
FATHER MACCAFFREY LOOKS OUT AT THE VILLAGE GREEN. A FEW SHOPKEEPERS ARE STANDING OUTSIDE THEIR SHOPS, ARMS FOLDED.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
I've seen more life in a morgue.
JUST THEN THE POSTMAN ARRIVES. HE'S MEDIUM HEIGHT, MID-FORTIES.
POSTMAN:
Morning father. You've got a letter from the bishop.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
How do you know that?
POSTMAN:
Ah, it's the seal you see. (HE POINTS TO IT)If you look closely you'll see the papal bull. Unless it's from a Spanish bull fighter. In which case it's probably for Mrs Brown.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
(SMIRKING)If you're such an expert, then tell me what's inside it.
POSTMAN:
Probably from the bishop about you getting another job. Since the church isn't pulling in enough money.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Very funny.
FATHER MACCAFFREY RIPS OPEN THE ENVELOPE, TAKES OUT THE TYPED LETTER INSIDE, AND READS IT.
BISHOP (OOV)
(SCOTTISH ACCENT) Father Maccoffee. Do you have any catholics in that poxy little village of yours? If yes, why don't they visit and throw some money in the plate. Or are you spending it on booze and women? Anyway, since you're obviously sitting on your brains all day, you might as well put them to good use. I've fixed you up with a job at HARRY's Newsagents on Westmoreland Street. The owner's called Mr HARRY, an ex-con. You'll work between ten in the morning until two in the afternoon, Monday to Friday. You'll be paid cash in a sealed envelope every Friday. Send it to me unopened along with the collection money. You start this morning at ten. So don't be late. P.s. I've just sacked Mrs Green, the housekeeper. We can't afford her. So you'll have to do your own house cleaning from now on.
POSTMAN:
I was right, wasn't I? It was a job.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
(GLANCING SUSPICIOUSLY)Like you didn't know.
POSTMAN:
My old mum could predict the future.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Did she learn how to steam open envelopes too?
POSTMAN:
No. All she had to do was just take one look at someone and she could predict what was going to happen to them.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
And what does the future hold for me?
POSTMAN:
You're going to see women from all over the world. And decrease the population.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
You mean sell sex magazines.
POSTMAN:
And condoms. Never mind. Maybe you can convert people to Christianity. My great-great-great grandfather was a missionary. He did it in Africa.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
And how did he do it?
POSTMAN:
He shot them.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
He shot them? And how did that convince them to convert?
POSTMAN:
Well he was a surgeon, you see. And once he shot them he told them that only Christians could survive bullet wounds. So they converted. Then he took the bullet out of them and made them better.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Did he convert many?
POSTMAN:
Two. Then they he was tried for murder and hanged.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
That's the most ridiulous story I've ever heard. So you're saying I should go round shooting everybody?
POSTMAN:
Of course not. You'd get the jail. What I'm saying is - if you did something that people thought extraordinary, then people might convert.FATHER MACCAFFREY RUBS HIS CHIN.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
You know, you might be onto something there. But what could I do to convince people?
POSTMAN:
I'll let you figure that one out. Got work to do.
FATHER MACCAFFREY LOOKS AT THE ENVELOPE IN THE POSTMAN'S HAND.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Mind you don't work yourself to death.
POSTMAN:
No fear. I'm taking early retirement next year. See you.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Hm! Maybe I should do the same.
FATHER MACCAFFREY GOES HOME. MRS GREEN IS SITTING IN THE LIVING ROOM, HER PACKED SUITCASE AT HER FEET.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
I don't want you to go, Mrs Green. Why don't we work something out?
MRS GREEN:
The bishop phoned. Said I was fired.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
On what grounds?
MRS GREEN:
Can't afford me anymore. Huh! For all I got paid for working here. I'm going to stay with my sister in Gillingham.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
But you were born here. Your friends are here.
MRS GREEN:
Maybe it's time for a change.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Look. Why don't we work something out? you can stay here at the house, but work somewhere else. As far as anybody's concerned, you still work here. The bishop doesn't need to know.
SHE REACHES OUT AND HUGS HIM.
MRS GREEN:
Oh Father Maccaffrey. You're a kind man. I don't care what they say about you.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
And what do they say?
MRS GREEN:
That you're a miserable, witless, frustrated git.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
I suppose it could be worse. Although how, I don't know.
MRS GREEN:
I'll unpack my things then I'll stick the kettle on and make us a cup of tea.
SHE STOPS HUGGING HIM AND STARES AT HIM. FATHER MACCAFERTY SENSES SOMETHING AND BLUSHES.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
I think you should stick that kettle on.
MRS GREEN:
I think I'd better.
INT. SHOP - MORNING
FATHER MACCAFFREY ENTERS THE NEWSAGENT AND A BELL ABOVE THE DOOR RINGS. THE SHOP IS EMPTY EXCEPT FOR MR TIMPSON (ABOUT SIXTY, WELL-BUILT, STOCKY.)HE IS SORTING OUT NEWSPAPERS BEHIND THE COUNTER. MR HARRY LOOKS UP WHEN HE HEARS THE BELL.
TIMPSON:
So you're here. (HE LOOKS AT HIS WATCH) Ten minutes late.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Sorry, Mr Timpson. Got caught up in a long confession.
TIMPSON:
Call me Harry. I'll be taking it out your wages. Time is money, my boy.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
And how much money would that be?
TIMPSON/HARRY:
According to my calculations, that's about sixteen point six pence.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Sixteen point six pence for ten minutes work. That's ridiculous. That works out at...
FATHER MACCAFFREY TRIES TO FIGURE OUT THE ANSWER.
HARRY:
One pound an hour.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
That's slave labour. I'm not working for that.
FATHER MACCAFFREY HEADS FOR THE DOOR.
HARRY:
So we're getting a new priest then.
FATHER MACCAFFREY STOPS AND TURNS.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
New priest. Who told you that?
HARRY TAKES A LETTER OUT OF HIS TROUSER POCKET AND HOLDS IT UP.
HARRY:
The bishop. Says here if you refuse you'll be replaced by Father Smythe-Brown.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Smythe-Brown? That upper class twit. His irritating voice would drive people away.
HARRY:
That's what it says here. (HE PUTS THE PAPER BACK IN HIS POCKET AND LOOKS AT HIS WATCH)Now its eighteen pence you're getting docked.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Unbelievable.
A FEMALE CUSTOMER (AVERAGE-LOOKING, AVERAGE HEIGHT) ENTERS THE SHOP. FATHER MACCAFFREY IS STANDING NEXT TO HARRY.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Can I help you?
MARTA:
Yes. I'd like a hamster, please.
FATHER MACCAFFREY GLANCES AROUND THE SHOP.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
This is a newsagents, not a pet shop.
MARTA:
In that case, can I have a budgie, please?
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
(GROANS)are you deaf? I said this isn't a pet shop. We don't sell animals.
MARTA:
In that case, can I have a bee, Please?
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Oh for goodness sake. How many times do I have to tell you? This is not a pet shop. We don't sell animals. And we especially don't sell bees.
MARTA:
Then why do you have a bee in the window? Hahahahaha!
HARRY GUFFAWS AND SLAPS THE COUNTER.
MARTA:
That's a good one, Marta. Oh, you really crack me up, you do.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Will someone tickle me, I forgot to laugh?
HARRY:
She comes in here every day with a new gag.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
(MUTTERING)And who said comedy was dead?
MARTA:
I'll have twenty Marlboro Lite, please.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
So you're not a heavy smoker then?
HARRY AND THE WOMAN STARE AT HIM BLANKLY
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Light. Heavy. Not a heavy...oh forget it.
THE WOMAN BUYS THE CIGARETTES.
WOMAN:
See you tomorrow.
HARRY:
See you.
HARRY TURNS TO FATHER MACCAFFREY.
HARRY:
Now, politeness is everything in this game. Be good to your customers and they'll keep coming back.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
You mean like Marta's jokes.
INT. SHOP - AFTERNOON (12.30)
FATHER MACCAFFEY AND HARRY ARE STANDING, ARMS FOLDED, STARING AT THE DOOR.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Only one customer in an hour. And he only came in to ask for directions to Gillingham.
HARRY:
Some days are slow.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Slow? Dropped dead, more like. How do you make a profit?
HARRY:
I don't. I live off my retirement money.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
I thought you lot went to live in the Costa del Sol.
HARRY:
I did. Too hot. And as for all that foreign muck they eat. Give me bacon and eggs any day of the week.
FATHER MACCAFFREY RUBS HIS CHIN
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
But surely you must have spent the money by now.
HARRY:
Nope. I invested it after the bank robbery. Forty grand. Now it's worth six hundred and fifty-six thousand pounds and fifteen pence. This shop's just for something to do. When I was a kid I always wanted to own a shop. Probably why I was always knicking from them.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
So you've got a half a million quid and you're only paying me one pound an hour. I want a pay rise.
HARRY:
You're taking the rise, more like. Without me your church would be closing. I'm giving you what you might call salvation.
FATHER MACCAFFREY RUBS HIS CHIN IN THOUGHT.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
What if you were to invest that money in the church?
HARRY:
Why? I don't believe in it.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
But you believe in making money.
HARRY:
What's in that scheming little mind of yours?
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Salvation.
INT. CHINESE WAREHOUSE - AFTERNOON
WE SEE MR LEE LIFTING BOXES COVERED IN PICTURES OF FIREWORKS AND CHINESE WRITING. HE IS PILING THEM ON TOP OF A PALLET. ANOTHER CHINESE MAN, MR WONG, IS STANDING BEHIND A PALLET TRUCK, READY TO LOAD THE BOXES INTO A LORRY.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Mr Lee.
MR LEE TURNS ROUND.
LEE:
Ah,Father Maccaffrey. Come to buy more rice wafers? I hope your parishioners liked them.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
The communion wafers were nice yes.
LEE:
We also have wine.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
No thanks. That last bottle tasted like soya sauce. I didn't know whether to drink it or pour it on my chips.
MR WONG TAPS Mr LEE'S SHOULDER AND GLANCES AT FATHER MACCAFFFREY.
MR WONG:
(whispering) But it was soya sauce.
LEE:
Yes, but he doesn't know that, does he?
MR LEE TURNS BACK TO FATHER MACCAFFREY.
LEE:
So what are you looking for?
FATHER MACCAFFREY POINTS TO A BOX NEXT TO MR LEE.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
I want to buy those. How much are they?
MR WONG:
But they're...
LEE:
Shut up.
MR LEE TURNS TO FATHER MACCAFFREY, SMILING.
LEE:
Let's say... two hundred for the box. And we'll throw in the delivery for free.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Hm! I don't have that kind of money. Would credit card do?
LEE:
That'll do nicely. (To Wong)Wong fetch me the swipe card machine.
WONG:
But...
LEE:
Just do it. (To Father Maccaffrey) Can't get the staff these days. Bloody agency workers. No wonder I pay him peanuts.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
I know the feeling. So, could you deliver it to Harry's Newsagents around six?
LEE:
No problem.
WONG RETURNS WITH THE SWIPE MACHINE AND LEE SWIPES FATHER MACCAFFREY'S CARD.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Every time one of these beauties explode it's going to rain money.
WONG LAUGHS. LEE GIVES HIM AN ANGRY LOOK.
LEE:
Put that pallet in the van. (Turns to Father Maccaffrey, smiling)See you later. Newsagents around six then?
LEE:
No problem, Father.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Bye.
EXT. ENTRANCE TO NEWSAGENT SHOP- EVENING (7 O'CLOCK)
FATHER MACCAFFREY IS RATTLING A COLLECTION PLATE. HARRY IS NEXT TO HIM, STANDING BEHIND THE BOX THAT FATHER MACCAFFREY BOUGHT EARLIER AT THE CHINESE WAREHOUSE.
HARRY:
(RATTLING BOXES OF FIREWORKS IN HIS HAND) Get your cheap fireworks here. Only ten quid.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
And three pound in the plate.
THE SMALL TEENAGER WHO HAD TRIED TO STEAL THE PEW EARLIER STANDS IN FRONT OF THEM.
TEENAGER:
How come they're so cheap then?
FATHER MACCAFFREY AND HARRY EXCHANGE GLANCES.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Call it salvation.
TEENAGER:
Eh?
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Which in your case means ten quid for him and thee quid for me.
THE BOY PAYS HARRY AND THROWS THREE POUNDS IN THE COLLECTION PLATE. HARRY HANDS HIM A BOX OF FIREWORKS. THE BOY SHAKES THE BOX.
TEENAGER:
It's a big box for thirteen quid.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
I could always take some out.
THE TEENAGER SHOWS HIM A DOUBTFUL LOOK BEFORE TURNING AWAY.
EXT. OUTSIDE SHOP - EVENING (8 o' clock)
TWO TEENAGE GIRLS WALK AWAY FROM HARRY AFTER BUYING THE FIREWORKS. HARRY PATS THE MONEY POUCH HANGING FROM HIS NECK.
HARRY:
That was the last one. We've made a packet today. Where did you buy those fireworks?
FATHER MACCAFFREY TAPS HIS NOSE.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Can't reveal my business sources.
HARRY:
I'll be working for you soon.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
For free if I had my way. Now, how do I convince the bishop that this money was collected from the congregation?
HARRY:
You could tell him that a bunch of missionaries stopped off to go to the toilet and a quick prayer.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Missionaries? And why would they be heading this way?
HARRY:
Maybe for some missionary meeting or something. I don't know.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Hmm! Might work. see you around.
HARRY:
Ten o'clock tomorrow. Don't forget.
FATHER MACCAFFREY TAPS THE COLLECTION PLATE.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
What do you mean? I've got enough wages here for the week with some left over. Consider the bishop's arrangement null and void.
HARRY:
That wasn't the deal we had. I need someone to look after the shop in the mornings. I've got business to do.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Well that's..
SUDDENLY FATHER MACCAFFREY SEES A CROWD OF PEOPLE MARCHING ACROSS THE STREET TOWARDS HI. THE TWO TEENAGE BOYS HE HAD CAUGHT TRYING TO STEAL THE PEW EARLIER THAT MORNING IS LEADING THEM, INCLUDING MR LEE.
TALL BOY:
Those fireworks you sold us don't work.
THE BOY TAKES ONE OUT AND STARTS LICKING ITS POINTED END.
TALL BOY: (CONT.)
It's strawberry flavour.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
What?
HE SNATCHES THE BOX FROM THE BOY, TAKES OUT WHAT LOOKS LIKE A BANGER WITH A DOME-SHAPED TIP, AND LICKS IT.
FATHER MACCAFFREY: (CONT.)
And this one's lemon. (He turns to Lee)I thought you said they were fireworks.
LEE:
I never said they were. It said they were sweets on the box. Anyway, that credit card you gave me earlier was fake. Look.
LEE SHOWS HIS HAND. IT'S COVERED IN GOLD PAINT.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
I don't have any money. (He turns to Harry)
HARRY:
Same time tomorrow.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
(GROANS) Same time tomorrow.
HE GIVES THE CUSTOMERS THEIR MONEY BACK AND THROWS THE BOXES OF ROCKETS AT HIS FEET.
END OF EPISODE