Following on from rebirth of the Company Reorganisation sketch I thought I'd take another look at one I did along similar lines a couple of years ago. When I posted it before it was far too long (I might still be) but I've changed it in a fundamental way that might surprise one or two people. Let me know what you think.
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BLIND DATE LEGISLATION
THERE IS TABLE SET FOR A CANDLELIGHT DINNER WITH A SLOVENLY GUY (PAUL) SAT SLOUCHED IN ONE OF THE CHAIRS. ELEGANTLY DRESSED SHEILA APPROACHES WHISPERING AGGITATEDLY INTO A MOBILE PHONE. AS SHE REACHES THE TABLE SHE HANGS UP AND SMILES WEAKLY. SHE SITS AND TAKES A SIP FROM A GLASS OF WINE.
PAUL:
You took your time. Didn't realise powdering your nose could take so long. Just how much have you snorted?
SHEILA NEARLY CHOKES. WE HEAR A RAISED VOICE IN THE BACKGROUND BUT CAN"T HEAR WHAT IS BEING SAID.
RACHEL:
(OUT OF BREATH) Sheila, I got here as fast as I could.
SHEILA:
Thank God! Paul? This is Rachel Tomms from Trading Standards. She'd like a word about the content of your Lonely Hearts advert.
PAUL:
Eh?
RACHEL:
Paul Spencer, I am acting on behalf of Ms Sheila Andrews who claims that your advertisement in 'Sado Singles' in last Thursday's Chorlton Advertiser contravenes the Trades Descriptions Act 1968 as well as the Malicious Communications Act 1988 which prohibits the sending or delivering of letters or other articles with the purpose of causing distress or anxiety.
PAUL:
You what?
SHEILA:
She's saying you're a lying hound!
RACHEL READS FROM THE NEWSPAPER.
RACHEL:
In your ad you describe yourself as 'A bronzed Adonis'.
THERE IS PAUSE AS THIS UNLIKELY STATEMENT SINKS IN WITH OTHER DINERS.
PAUL:
Well?
RACHEL:
Having met you I would have to agree Ms Andrews that the use of the word bronzed is a little misleading. If you had presented yourself as dirty we would've perhaps found that acceptable.
SHEILA:
You should also replace the term 'Adonis' with 'A donkey'.
PAUL:
You want me to describe myself as 'a dirty donkey'?
RACHEL:
If you want to avoid prosecution, yes. Your whole advert is littered with inaccuracies....
PAUL:
This is rich - what about her ad then? You're not telling me she's a a size 12 - not unless she's referring to the size of her feet.
RACHEL:
(UNBELIEVING) You said you were a size 12?
SHEILA:
Er...
RACHEL:
Weights and Measures Act 1985 - that's a CLEAR contravention.
SHEILA:
Now just a minute...
RACHEL:
You could also do her under the Misrepresentation Act 1967...
SHEILA:
Rachel, you're supposed to be helping me. I'm the one who had to put up with him farting constantly during the fish course.
RACHEL:
Ah, the Explosive Acts, 1875 and 1923...
PAUL:
If we're gonna talks about pollution what about that f**king fragrance you wear! I didn't realise Sellafield had a perfume counter.
RACHEL:
(COUGHS) Poisons Act 1972
SHEILA:
Look, I've had enough of this - I'm leaving!
PAUL:
Good! I was about to ask the waiter if I could order an oxygen tent!
RACHEL: Sheila, this man and woman thing is clearly not going to work. Maybe you should reconsider lesbianism like I suggested?
THERE'S AN UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE
SHEILA: OK, but only if you agree to be the butch one.
END