Skit Comp 31.7-8.8.10 Page 2

EXT. DOWNING STREET.

THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER STANDS OUTSIDE NO.11. HE IS HOLDING HIS RED BUDGET BRIEFCASE ALOFT TO THE ASSEMBLED CAMERAMEN AND PHOTOGRAPHERS.

THE BRIEFCASE ACCIDENTALLY BURSTS OPEN.

AN ARRAY OF VIBRATORS, DILDOS, BUTT PLUGS AND OTHER SEXUAL PARAPHERNELIA FALL TO THE GROUND.

HE PANICS AND SCRAMBLES FRANTICALLY TRYING TO PUT STUFF BACK INTO THE BOX.

HE RUNS OFF DOWN THE STREET CLUTCHING THE BRIEFCASE IN ONE HAND AND A LARGE BLACK RUBBER DOUBLE-ENDED DILDO IN THE OTHER HAND.

VOICE:
Chancellor, is that Black Rod?

FX LAUGHING.

the houses of parliament
David Cameron : the new tax rises and public service cuts will result in a 10% decrease in the debt of the UK

Nick Clegg; (cough) rubbish(cough)

David; I'm sorry nick but its better than any thing your party has come up with in fact the last worthwhile thing you did was to make tea for the last cabinet meeting

Nick: yeah but ... but your mums so fat when she falls down the stairs it sounds like its the end of eastenders.

David; well your mums so fat she developed a particularly vicious strain of type two diabetes and died as a result.

(awkward silence)

David :any way the debt will shrink by 10% every year while we are still in power

Nick: what a load of rubbish, what a load of rubbish ,what a load of rubbish

(this chant carries on until everyone in the house is shouting it at David Cameron)

David: oh go away Nick I don't even no why we formed a coalition with you your not even that good in bed.

( the chanting stops abruptly as the mps stare at Nick then David)

INT: SPACESHIP, THE SHIP'S CAPTAIN AND FIRST OFFICER ARE ARE LOOKING AT A PLANET ON A LARGE SCREEN.

FIRST OFFICER
I've never seen anything like it before Captain.

CAPTAIN
It's almost as if it's moving away from us.

FIRST OFFICER
I'm picking up a distress signal Captain.

CAPTAIN
Can you decipher it?

FIRST OFFICER
it's in English. It says 'DO... YOU ... MIND?'

CAPTAIN
Well, it's polite, I'll give it that.

FIRST OFFICER
There's more... 'FUCK... OFF... BACK... TO... YOUR... OWN... PLANET.

CAPTAIN:
Well I never..

FIRST OFFICER
FUCKING... SPACE... TOURISTS!

CAPTAIN
How rude!

INT. GOD'S BEDROOM. NIGHT

YOUNG GOD, RESPLENDENT IN STRIPEY JIM-JAMS AND CLUTCHING A TEDDY BEAR, SCOOTS INTO BED GUILTILY AND PULLS THE COVER UP TO HIS CHIN. GOD'S MOTHER COMES IN WITH A PILE OF CLEAN WASHING.

MUM
What's all the kerfuffle? You should be asleep by now.

SHE PUTS THE WASHING DOWN ON THE CHEST OF DRAWERS AND PULLS OPEN THE TOP DRAWER

GOD (NERVOUSLY)
Oh, er, I'll put it away. I'm... I'm sure there's no room in there.

MUM (FROWNING DOWN)
Nonsense... there's space in here.

GOD
Oh, good.

MUM
No - I mean you've got SPACE in your sock drawer.

WE SEE HER POINT OF VIEW, LOOKING DOWN INTO THE DARK DRAWER WHERE A SMALL PINPRICK OF BRIGHT LIGHT IS SLOWLY EXPANDING OUTWARDS.

MUM (ANGRILY)
I thought I heard a big bang up here.

CUT BACK TO GOD LOOKING APOLOGETIC

GOD
Sorry, I didn't mean to.

MUM
Well, I hope you're going to look after this one.

MUM TURNS OFF THE LIGHT AND SWEEPS OUT

EXT. SPACE. IT IS COMPLETELY BLACK WITH NO STARS

TITLES: "13.4 billion years ago... roughly speaking... I mean, it's hard to put an exact date on these sort of things isnt it?"

A SPACE SHIP APPROACHES.

CAMERA SLOWLY ZOOMS TOWARDS THE SHIP REVEALING A VIEWING PLATFORM. TWO MEN ARE LOOKING OUT.

KENNETH:Beautiful Stevens, isn't it?

CUT TO: EXT. SHOT OF SPACE. IT IS COMPLETELY BLACK EXCEPT FOR A SOLITARY WHITE DOT

STEVENS:What is?

STEVENS LOOKS AT HIS WATCH

KENNETHPOINTING) That, out there, Stevens.

(BEAT) I don' think you understand Stevens. Here we are, You and me, me and you, about to witness the birth of our universe.

STEVENS CONTINUES TO LOOKS AT HIS WATCH

STEVENS:'Sit gonna take long? EastEnders is on shortly.

KENNETHurely not Stevens? That solitary dot holds everything we know -

STEVENS:- about Eastenders?

KENNETH:Why would I travel back in time to watch the 'birth of Eastenders?

STEVENS:Yeah. It'd be on G.O.L.D wouldn't it?

KENNETHPOINTING OUT TO THE DOT AGAIN) This holds the key to everything!

STEVENS CONTINUES TO LOOK AT WATCH

KENNETH #cont:All the elements required for primitive life for such as -

STEVENS:Ian Beale?

KENNETH GRABS STEVENS AND POINTS HIM TOWARDS THE 'DOT'

KENNETH:Look! (POINTING) Tell me what you see!?

STEVENSBEAT) Nothing?

KENNETH:Well, I see the future of humanity and all it's accomplishments; science, philosophy, and art to name only a few. That 'dot' holds the key to geniuses such as Da Vinci, Michelangelo and -

STEVENS:- Rolf Harris?

KENNETH:Titian!

STEVENS:Tony Hart?

KENNETHSIGHING) You see, that is the difference with me and you Stevens. Where I see infinite beauty and great art you see Ian bloody Beale and Rolf Harris

STEVENS:I see what I see Kenneth. I can't help that

KENNETH:Well in thirty seconds you'll see a lot more. This vast blackness is gong to filled with stars such as -

STEVENS:- The Daily Star?

KENNETH:No! -

STEVENS:- Ringo Starr?

KENNETH:Look -

KENNETH POINTS TO THE DOT WHICH HAS GROWN IN SIZE

STEVENS:- Freddie Starr?

KENNETH:Look! Now!

STEVENS:All Star Family Fort -

KENNETHSHOUTING)

- This is it Stevens, the universe cometh!

CUT TO: THE DOT EXPLODES. STARS AND LIGHT FILL THE SCREEN IN ONE ENORMOUS BOOM.

FADE TO WHITE

SCENE 2:

FADE IN FROM WHITE

STEVENS AND KENNETH ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH WATCHING EASTENDERS

THE TV BREAKS DOWN. ONLY A SMALL WHITE DOT IS VISIBLE ON THE SCREEN

KENNETH:Bloody hell. Better get this thing fixed

KENNETH STANDS UP AND LOOKS AT WATCH BEFORE WALKING TO THE PHONE

STEVENS IS STARING IN AWE AT SCREEN

STEVENS: Oh my God, It's beautiful!

END

INT. SCIENTIFIC ESTABLISHMENT. A GROUP OF MEN, SOME IN SUITS AND OTHERS IN LABORATORY COATS, ARE ON A TOUR OF THE FACILITY.

MAN IN SUIT:
Well, Minister, now I'd like to show you some of that leading edge work we're up to!

MINISTER:
OK, Blenkinsop, but I'll take some persuading that there's anything going on here that won't be affected by my intended cuts.

THEY ENTER A LABORATORY WHERE THERE ARE THREE BOFFIN TYPES PERUSING SOME CALCULATIONS ON A WHITE BOARD.

MAN IN SUIT:
Now, Minister, I'll not disturb them because they've been working on these calculations for over two years but...

MINISTER: (PERTURBED)
Two years? Calculations? (SHOUTS) Hey, you three, what do you think you're playing at, it's not rocket science you know!

THE THREE BOFFINS TURN AROUND AND LOOK CONFUSED. WE PAN TO SEE THROUGH A WINDOW IN A FAR WALL WHERE THERE IS AN HALF-ASSEMBLED ROCKET ON A LAUNCH PAD.

WE CUT TO.

INT. THE ENTOURAGE ARE NOW IN AN OBSERVATION AREA WHERE WE CAN SEE THROUGH A TWO-WAY MIRROR INTO A PROFESSORS STUDY. THERE IS A ONE-TO-ONE TUTORIAL IN PROGRESS BETWEEN A PROFESSOR AND A YOUNG FEMALE STUDENT SCIENTIST.

STUDENT:
...but people maybe be worried about the health risks, surely?

PROFESSOR:
There is certainly some confusion about whether sperm is good for you. Moderation is advisable, but it's reassuring to know that sensible daily consumption may in fact have some benefits to health!

STUDENT:
But is swallowing sperm safe, Professor?

PROFESSOR:
As a rule, moderate consumption of sperm of up to the equivalent of four to five cups per day is perfectly safe. At these levels, it doesn't have any health risks, and as we can learn from expert research, it may have some benefits. It's also very enjoyable, particularly if swallowed directly via it's natural applicator!

STUDENT:
What if I'm pregnant?

MAN IN SUIT: (GETTING AGITATED)
Er, Minister perhaps we can move on, I think the Vacuum Team are just about to make a break through...

MINISTER:
Mmm, just when this tour was getting interesting.. OK, Blenkinsop, lead on..

THE MINISTER RELUCTANTLY LEAVES WITH THE ENTOURAGE AND THEY ENTER ANOTHER OBSERVATION ROOM WHERE THROUGH THE TWO-WAY MIRROR THEY OBSERVE TWO SCIENTISTS IN A HEATED DISCUSSION.

SCIENTIST #1:
I can't believe it but look... it's the same result... that means...

SCIENTIST #2:
Yes, heat cannot be transmitted through a vacuum...

SCIENTIST #1: (RUBS HIS EYES)
I guess that includes space as well then, Bert...

SCIENTIST #2:
I guess it does Arthur...

THE TWO SCIENTISTS BECOME FROZEN SOLID AS DOES THE MINISTER AND ALL HIS ENTOURAGE WHEN THE WHOLE WORLD AND EVERYTHING IN IT SUDDENLY FREEZES OVER.

Timmbbbooo

Mad Mickey Monkhouse edges it.

Hope submitting oldies is ok

A BUNCH OF WEIRDOS ARE AT AN UFO CONFERENCE.
WEIRDO1 IS ADRESSING THE AUDIENCE.

WEIRDO1
Well they got me up on that there flying saucer, next thing I know my pants are round my ankles and I'm paralysed.

WEIRDO2(FROM THE AUDIENCE)
Tell us about the proble how big was it!

WEIRDO1
Like a baby's arm holding a satsuma.

WEIRDO3(FROM THE AUDIENCE)
That's nothing mine was like an eel in a crash helmet and it vibrated!

WEIRDO2
Mine was like a baseball bat, no a cricket bat hell no it was like a hockey stick. My poor hiny!

SUDDENLY THE ROOF DISAPEARS FROM THE CONVENTION CENTRE AND A UFO DESCENDS AND AN ALIEN DESCENDS FROM IT.
THIS CGI SEQUENCE SHOULD COST ABOUT 5 MILLION POUNDS.

WEIRDO1
Eeek they're here cover your ani!

WEIRDO2
Keep outa my back door!

THE WEIRDOS ALL TRY AND COVER THEIR BOTTOMS.

ALIEN
Silence puny earthmen! I am Glarg from Glarg, Tharg and Alf space solicitors! This is a cease and desist order from the union of gay interstellar life forms.
One more false accusation of sexual harrasment and they'll sue.

On the whole I preferred the space entries to the politics ones; perhaps I am just sick of politics. Kudos though to those who combined them both. Roscoff, Frankie, and Soots late entry were all in contention, and JayH has the makings of an interesting sketch, but I am going to give it to Kasm for a typically elegant offering.

Otterfox and Angiebaby

Timbo.

Some great sketches this week.

KASM
Roscoff
Timbo

I thought TIMBO and KASM were equal. I cannot pick between them. So it's a toss of a coin - - - - *struggles with 5 pence piece* - - - -

KASM wins it! (er, not the 5 pence piece though, sorry)

I also particularly liked Mike Monkhouse, Roscoff and Nigel Kelly this week but enjoyed reading them all.

Timbo for me.
I was too late to play!