Skit Comp 31.7-8.8.10

What a grate bunch of skits 'n' comments so special congratulations to THE COOL MIKADO for winnin' - again! Enjoy, have 10 points and PM me for next week's subject please...
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

4 - 10 - Cool Mikado
2 - 5 - Timbo, Charley, Bushbaby, Frankie Rage
1 - 1 - Scratchyr, Gerry, Kasm, Craig H, some twot called Michael Monkhouse
Honorary mention: Angiebaby, Otterfox, Jay H, Fred Peters

Your new subject: SPACE or POLITICS (chosen by Mr Sunshine)
Rules:
One entry per person. Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 8.8.10

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

149 - Mr Sunshine
133 - Cool Mikado
122 - Otterfox
112 - Chris Forshaw
108 - Frankie Rage
105 - Kasm
104 - Nigel Kelly
98 - Fred Peters
96 - Michael Monkhouse
87 - Charley Rance
84 - Timbo
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
56 - AngieBaby
55 - Scratchyr
43 - Gerry McDonnell
35 - Afinkawan
32 - Alex Mahon, Swerytd, Paul Watson
28 - Leevil
26 - David Chapman
23 - Craig H
22 - Blobster
21 - Mikey J
20 - Bushbaby, James Harris, Roscoff, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Nil Putters, Cinnamon, Dale
12 - Geoff Mutton, Badge, Will Cam
11 - Steven
10 - Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O, James, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Tumble, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Stephen Birch, Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a tinker's cuss, so PM me. Thanks...

QUEUE DRAMATIC MUSIC. FLYING SAUCERS DESCEND ON LONDON. A PRESS CONFERENCE, POLITICIANS AND SENIOR FIGURES WAIT TO MEET THEM. DAVID CAMERON STANDS READY TO SHAKE THE ALIEN PRESIDENT'S HAND, WHEN HE IS ROUGHLY BUNDLED OFF AND BLACKBAGGED BY SOME TOUGHS. INTO THE BREACH STEPS BORIS JOHNSON.

Alien President: Greetings man of Earth. I am Glaxul of Flek.
BoJo: Flipping unbelievable. An alien, what?
Alien President: Greetings, man of Earth.
BoJo: Greetings to you old chap. But can we get through these salutations? You should see the tucker we've got laid out.

THEY WALK ARM IN ARM THROUGH THE AMAZED CROWD TO THE BUFFET TABLE, THE ALIEN PRESIDENT SEARCHING IN HIS ENGLISH DICTIONARY FOR "TUCKER."

BoJo: (POINTING) So that's Sam Cam over ther,' had her. No sign of the PM, I'm the mayor doncha know, there's Hague, jolly well thought he was an alien when I met him, and that's Fatty Pinkleton, and "Old Big Balls," and The Archbishop of York...

Alien President: (GESTURING AT SOME SCOTCH EGGS) What are those?
Bo-Jo: Ooh they're scrummy.Don't mind if I do. Scotch egg?
Alien President: Eggs? Do you mean we've travelled light years, light years for a foetus covered in crumbs?
Bo-Jo: Light years? Sound more like heavy years what.
Alien President: Do you mean we've used our planet's last resources, charted an Interstellar fleet of spaceships, with no MOTs mind, gathered our last few refugee people and journeyed across the known galaxy for...scotch eggs?

BORIS STOPS TO SWALLOW HIS CHEWED EGG.

Bo-Jo: How many tits do these Flekian babes have?

WARFARE BREAKS OUT. SCREAMING CAN BE HEARD AND LASER BEAMS FIRING. BORIS DUCKS BEHIND A TABLE. HE PULLS A CRICKET BALL OUT OF HIS POCKET.

Bo-Jo: Well it's now or never sonny Jim. The last stand of daisy cutter Johnson.....

HE LOOKS AT THE BALL FOR A MOMENT.

Bo-Jo: On second thoughts sod it.

BIN THERE, DONE THAT

NEWS STUDIO.

REPORTER: Viewers we're interrupting this programme to bring you possibly the most historic and controversial moment in broadcasting history. Osama bin Laden, militant Islamist and founding leader of the terrorist organisation al-Qaeda, has contacted us and agreed to give us his first live interview since September 11th. Mr Laden, can you hear me?

BIN LADEN: (off) Yes.

REPORTER: Now I have to ask you this. Is there still hope for George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis?

BIN LADEN: (off) I do hope so. George is a great guy, he's gorgeous and down-to-earth too, man does he deserve the best. And that Elisabetta's a bit of all right isn't she? We love her out here, I can tell you, I mean phwoar!

REPORTER: Thank you. And speaking of babes, do you prefer Cameron Diaz or Megan Fox?

BIN LADEN: (off) That's a good question. Hmmm... Well I guess Megan Fox is a real cutie, she certainly gets me going, but that's all she is; whereas Cameron Diaz is hot too but she also has class and sass and real suss. She isn't just a pin-up, she can act in both comic and dramatic roles, and she hams it up in interviews to boot. So I guess I'll go for Ms Diaz. Sorry, Megan.

REPORTER: Thanks bin. And my final question, do you envision a complete break from foreign influences in Muslim countries and the creation of a new Islamic caliphate to quash the Christian-Jewish alliance conspiring to destroy Islam as embodied in the U.S.-Israel alliance so as to not only accept but actively encourage the sacrifice of bystanders and civilians as religiously justified in jihad? (PAUSE) Bin I have to hurry you...

BIN LADEN: (off) Not sure.

REPORTER: When you make up your mind, come back on the show, tell us about it. Mr Laden it's 'bin' a real pleasure...

BIN LADEN: (off) No worries mate.

REPORTER: Now some more funny stuff.

AD AGENCY BRIEFING - 3,30p.m. FRIDAY:
ACCT. DIRECTOR (AD)
AL TWONK (AT), the CREATIVE DIRECTOR.
ANDY MANN (MB) THE MEDIA BUYER.

AD: They want a full media splunge. No f**king about. The works. Ram the message home on every front!

AT: What, the whole ching-a-ling; in the face, in the eyes and through
the lugholes?

AD: Yep, and double saturation, they've got the budget for a vote winning campaign - and win they will.

MB: When's the launch?

AD: Next Monday week. We'll blitz the prime-time, piggy-back the talk shows and rip through the evening soaps. Top'n tail the news on all TV and radio channels and brainwash the berks with double page spreads in every f**king tabloid, broadsheet and magazine. Shoot for the Moon, is what the client said.

MB: You think I can book all that space in a week? It's impossible!

CD: We've got a no-limit budget right?

AD: Yep. Got any ideas?

AD: Sure. F**k off and leave this to me and Andy.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
LAUNCH DAY - MONDAY WEEK - 8.30 p.m. EXTERIOR - DARK

AD, CD & MB ARE HAVING A HEADS TO HEADS ON THE AGENCY'S ROOF GARDEN

AD: If this works we'll be the greatest ad agency the world has ever seen.

CD: No f**king sweat. My signwriters can work miracles.

AD: Andy, are you SURE you booked the space?

MB: No one's handling bookings - Twonky's boys only have to turn up and do their job. Let's face it, considering we're shooting for the moon the costs are all below the line. We've saved the New ConLabLib Party a fortune in advertising costs.

AD: Yeah, but the production costs are sky high!

CD, LOOKING SKYWARD AT SCUDDING CLOUDS - EXCITEDLY: LOOK here comes the first commercial break in the f**king nimbus and nebulus.

AD and MB BOTH STARE SKYWARDS:
THE CLOUDS BREAK REVEALING A HALF MOON THAT HAS A BEAUTIFUL, ENORMOUS SIGN WRITTEN MESSAGE: Sorry, Twonk, the design's for a whole moon space - the layout don't fit on a half moon.

Too Good to be True

Scene: US Presidents office. He is surrounded by all his officials and military men. A fanfare is played. Enter an alien. She looks like Cameron Diaz.

Tharg: I am Tharg from the planet Wang. I greet you with open arms and a warm heart.
President: Welcome Tharg of Wang. I am Obama of Earth. I too welcome you with open arms and a warm heart.

(They hug)

Tharg: I have instructions from my planet to offer certain good will gestures to prove that we indeed come in peace.
President: That's great. A bit of a surprise Tharg of Wang 'cos all we got you was a fruit basket.
Tharg: Not to worry Earthling. Our gifts begin.

(She projects various images on to the wall from her eyes)

Tharg: Firstly you're gulf oil leak is ended (we see the oil spill stop)
Next, peace in Iraq and Aghanistan (We see locals and soldiers hugging and celebrating)
We also give you the technology of safe nuclear fusion so that your planets energy needs can be met for as long as the planet exists. This should stop global warming and eventually even reverse it.

(She hands over a thick file)

President: Bloody hell Tharg that's brilliant.

Tharg: And finally. I give men the ability to have multiple orgasms and women the ability to reverse park.

President: Wow! What can I say.

(They walk into the middle of the room, shake hands. Tharg drops to her knees and starts giving Obama a damn fine blow job.]

ON SCREEN: If Carlsberg did alien encounters...

A SMALL SPACESHIP LANDS IN A YORKSHIRE FIELD NEXT TO A FLOCK OF SHEEP. A MAN (MIDDLE-AGED, BALD) IS STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOCK. A HUMAN LIKE ALIEN (PETER MANDELSON LOOK-A-LIKE) EXITS THE SPACESHIP. HE GOES OVER TO THE MAN.

ALIEN:
Greetings Earthling. I've come to seek out intelligent life forms.

MAN:
Well, you won't find much round here. Not since they closed pit.

ALIEN:
(Confused look) Pit? What's a pit got to do with anything?

MAN:
(angrily)What's the pit got to do...you're not from around here, are you? The pit was the life and soul of the community. Are you from Wales? You sound like it.

ALIEN:
No, I'm not from Wales. I'm from asteroid 654. About three million light years away from here.

MAN:
Asteroid whatmejiggumy? Is it near Wales?

ALIEN:
(exasperated) How can it be near Wales, empty head? I told you before it's...oh, never mind. Just take me to your leader instead. Hopefully he's got a brain cell.

MAN:
I don't have a leader. I'm on the dole. Are you on the dole? It's horrible, in'tit?.

ALIEN:
On the dole? Moi? I'm captain of a spaceship. Asteroidians respect me. They look up to me. Whereas you look like something that comes out of my runny bottom.

MAN:
No need to be rude. Only trying to help.

ALIEN:
(Sighs) Okay. Just take me to the head honcho.

MAN:
What do you need to see him for?

ALIEN:
We're invading the planet next week. If he doesn't surrender, we'll zap everybody in it.

MAN:
And if he does surrender?

ALIEN:
We'll enslave the whole human race, kill the animals, except the sheep.

MAN:
What are you going to do with the sheep?

ALIEN:
Take them as sex slaves. (He shudders) Ohh! I'm getting all horny just thinking of the little woolly beasts.

MAN:
That's disgusting. We call that beastiality where I come from.

ALIEN:
Never stopped you, did it? I saw you bonking one of those ewes when I was up in the air. You're a right little goer, aren't you?

MAN:
(Blushing) Well, the wife left me last year. And I can't afford prossies.

ALIEN:
Tell you what, dimwit. You help me load these sheep onto the spaceship and I'll give you one to take home with you. Agreed?

MAN:
(smiling) Agreed.

THEY LOAD THE SHEEP ONTO THE SPACESHIP EXCEPT ONE.

ALIEN:
Can't be arsed speaking to the head cheese any more. Not with all this totty on board. I'll just go back and tell the folks back home that the life forms are just too stupid to live.

MAN:
Well, mind how you go.

THE ALIEN FLIES OFF IN HIS SPACESHIP. THE MAN PICKS UP A LAB COAT FROM THE GROUND AND PUTS IT ON

MAN:
(to sheep) Phew! That was close, Dolly, wasn't it? We'll have to replenish the flock. It's a shame government funds have run out. (Drooling) I suppose we'll just have to do it the old-fashioned way. C'mere you saucy little minx.

SPACEDOG EXT DAY: A FIELD
SFX: DRAMATIC SYNTHESISER MUSIC. SOME PARKED CARS CAN BE SEEN, SOME FLASHING THEIR LIGHTS. THIS IS A DOGGER'S PARADISE. A SPACEMAN'S HELMET CAN BE SEEN COMING OVER THE TOP OF A HILL, WITH BRIGHT LIGHTS BEHIND HIM. CUT BACK TO A WOMAN'S STILETTO HEELS WALKING.

THE SPACEMAN GETS CLOSER. TILT UP TO THE WOMAN'S FACE. THE MUSIC GETS LOUDER. THE WOMAN LOOKS FULL OF ANTICIPATION. THE SPACEMAN STOPS. THE MUSIC STOPS. THE SPACEMAN TAKES OFF HIS HELMET. THE WOMAN LOOKS HORRIFIED.

Woman
What the hell mate?

Man
I came as a spaceman, like you asked.

Woman
I know but you said you looked like George Clooney. You look more like Rosemary Clooney!

Man
So, are you still up for dogging?

MORE CARS ARRIVE AND PEOPLE START TO GET OUT.

Woman
You're gonna have to keep your helmet on. And sing songs that make me think of spacemen.I've got a thing for astronauts, see.

BEAT

Man
I'll have a think.

HE PUTS HIS HELMET BACK ON. FADE TO THE MAN WITH HIS SPACE SUIT ON (INCLUDING HELMET) HAVING VERY ANGRY SEX WITH THE WOMAN WHILE 2 COUPLES LOOK ON STUDIOUSLY.

Man (singing):
This is ground control to Major Tom, you've really made the gray-iy-hade...

FADE TO BLACK

ANIMATION

ALIEN PARENTS ARE REPRIMANDING THEIR PUNK ROCK TEENAGER, ALL HOVER ABOVE THE GROUND A COUPLE OF FEET.

FATHER

Which planet are you on? How many millenii have we been telling you?

MOTHER

From now on you're grounded.

[SHE WIGGLES HER THREE FINGERS AT HIM AND HE DROPS AND STANDS ON THE GROUND]

FATHER

Now get to your capsule and stay there.

[TEENAGER LEAVES]

You'd think he came from earth or somewhere the way he behaves.

[THEY BOTH TURN ROUND AND WE SEE THAT THEIR FACES ARE TURNING BLUE]

POLITICS

Ext: Lunar surface, the Earth hangs in the sky.

Grams: Opening bars of Strauss' Also Sprach Zarathustra (That's the music from 2001: A Space Odyssey to you lot)

An astronaut bounces into view, bounding gracefully across the surface of the moon in the low gravity.

Close up of astronaut bounding along. Pan ahead of astronaut to see the sun rising above the lunar horizon, backlighting a massive black rectangle standing on the moon's surface.

ASTRONAUT: Houston - are you seeing this? What the f**k?

Astronaut bounds towards the monolith but trips up as he nears it.

ASTRONAUT: Shit!

The astronaut flies slowly towards the monolith, bumping into it.

Camera pulls back to show the monolith beginning to topple over. As it does so, it hits another monolith behind it, knocking that one over as well, the second monolith hits a third, knocking it over, continue pulling back to show a line of monoliths all falling over like dominoes.

INT. ALIEN NEWS ROOM

STEREOTYPICAL GREEN ALIENS ARE PRESENTING THE NEWS

MALE ALIEN NEWS REPORTER
News just in. There has been yet another sighting of perfectly rolled in-alien like objects spotted across much of Aaaabalar.

WE SEE IMAGES OF BALES OF HAY ON THE SCREEN

MALE ALIEN NEWS REPORTER (CONT)
With investigations currently ongoing you can't help but think that we are not alone on our planet and perhaps the myths of human-like beings may now be true.

FEMALE ALIEN NEWS REPORTER
Thanks Chaaaaatuna. It appears the encounters continue. Within the last 3,000 hours a 9 lightyear old girlaticus has been abducted. An image of the abductor has just been obtained - some viewers may find this image disturbing.

WE SEE AN IMAGE OF MADONNA

MALE ALIEN NEWS REPORTER
With the planet on high alert we advise anyone who visions anything remotely suspicious to contact us immediately.

FEMALE ALIEN NEWS REPORTER
That's all from us for now, please join us again at ten past the moon. Up next is Human versus Predator.

CUE CREDITS WITH X FILES MUSIC PLAYING

END

MARS
Oi Earth! How's tricks?

EARTH
(DISTRACTED) Mars. In opposition already. Has it really been 780 days?

MARS
I make it 759. You should get your rotation checked.

EARTH
I've more on my mind

MARS
Life getting you down?

EARTH
Bloody biosphere, can't do a thing with it.

MARS
Homeostasis on the blink?

EARTH
I had all this carbon buried away where it couldn't do any harm, took my eye off it for a moment, and these chimps come along and dig it all up again.

MARS
Give up on it mate. Look at me, first sign of intelligent life - and wipe out. I mean who needs twenty foot lobsters digging canals all over the place? Hang on here comes Venus. Phwoar she's hot!

EARTH
About 460 degrees Celsius.

VENUS
Hello boys. Oh that's a nasty rash you have there! You're absolutely covered in concrete.

EARTH
Yes, I'm infested with sentient beings. I think I'm running a fever.

MARS
That's good, that's is. It's your defences fighting the infection.

VENUS
Besides, I've always said blue-green doesn't suit you. Tell you what ditch the biosphere and you and me would make a lovely couple.

JUPITER
(DISTANT, JOVIAL) I say! Hello there.

MARS
Oh lord it's Jupiter.

VENUS
Just no-one mention the spot - he's really self-conscious about it.

END.

INT. HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT OFFICE - DAY

DAVID CAMERON AND NICK CLEGG ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A MEETING.

CAMERON:
How do you feel about all this 'Brokeback Coalition' talk, Nick?

CLEGG:
It doesn't bother me Dave; it's just a cheap blow.

CAMERON LICKS HIS LIPS.

CAMERON (SAUCILY):
That's my favourite kind.

CLEGG:
I'm more worried about people thinking I'm a silent partner in this relationship.

CLEGG PUTS HIS HAND ON CAMERON'S KNEE

CLEGG:
The truth is, I'm working my fingers...to the bone.

CAMERON:
Oh God, I've got an election coming up.

CLEGG:
I want to see the poll result.

CAMERON:
I've always admired your seat Nick.

CLEGG:
I want to put the 'man' in your manifesto: the 'camp' in your campaign.

CAMERON DROPS HIS TROUSERS AND UNDERWEAR.

CLEGG:
I do love a 'hung' parliament.

CAMERON:
That's what I mean by a 'big' society.

CLEGG:
I swear to you, at the next election, you're going to get your deposit returned.

CAMERON BEGINS TO ANALLY PENETRATE CLEGG

CLEGG (IN GRUNTS):
Now I know how the working class feel.

Political Broadcast

STAR TREK FANS WEDDING DAY

BRIDE:
...Ever since the moment I saw you. You are amazing and I cherish and adore you. So, I Aileen take you Spencer to be my lawfully wedded husband. To have and to hold, to love honour and obey for as long as we both shall live.

GROOM:
(nervous)Am.. I, Sp-, Sp. I Spock.

PRIEST:
Spencer!

GROOM:
I Spencer. T-take my, yo- yo...

PRIEST:
You!

GROOM:
Right. Take the Yooo, the yoo-niverse.

PRIEST:
Take you.

GROOM:
Take you alien.

PRIEST:
Aileen!

GROOM:
I Spo, Spen...

PRIEST:
(Impatiently) I Spencer take you Aileen!

GROOM:
I Spencer take you Aileen to fix a warp core breach.

PRIEST:
To be my lawfully wedded wife.

GROOM:
Sorry (takes a deep breath and composes himself. He now speaks in a deep meaningful way)

I Spencer take you Aileen to be my lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, to love honour and obey even if you are assimilated by the Borg.

PRIEST:
(Getting very annoyed) Noo!! I take you Aileen to be my lawfully wedded wife to have and to hold, to love honour and obey for as long as we both shall live. You may now kiss the bride.

REALISATION HITS WITH THE PRIEST THAT HE HAS INADVERTANTLY MARRIED THE BRIDE. HE SHEEPISHLY KISSES THE BRIDE AND WALKS BACK DOWN THE AISLE ARM IN ARM WITH THE BRIDE SLOWLY WARMING TO THE IDEA.

GROOM:
(Clearly upset. He taps his chest looks upwards and in between sniffles says...) Mission failed. One to beam up.

END.

Hi thanx all, just to say this comp's endin' 8 August but please vote by MIDNIGHT 10th 'cos I'm on holiday straight after!