(IN THE STYLE OF A TV ADVERT)
VOICEOVER MAN
We'd like to apologise to our customers for the recent recall of Original Vodka Pants. This was due to an error in production.
A MAN, SCREAMING AND WEARING NOTHING BUT VODKA PANTS, IS DESPERATELY TRYING TO PUT OUT HIS CROTCH FIRE AS THE VODKA REACTS WITH THE MAGNESIUM.
VOICEOVER MAN (CONT'D)
But now, introducing New Vodka Pants with no vodka in them. New Vodka Pants are guaranteed fire retardant, and we've been reliably informed that their cotton design will allow the rash to gradually subside.
MAN RELUCTANTLY BEGINS TO SIT DOWN.
MAN
Ahhh, that's slightly better.
VOICEOVER MAN
And with the new and improved snugness of Vodka Pants with no vodka in them, erections-
MAN THUMPS HIS TROUSER FRONT IN ANGER.
VOICEOVER MAN (CONT'D)
-and natural conception-
MAN THUMPS HIS WIFE IN ANGER.
VOICEOVER MAN (CONT'D)
-will soon become a worry of the past; you'll be the envy of all your mates! (Beat) But just remember, New Vodka Pants are cotton, not vodka. So if you're looking for answers-
MAN RINGS A DARK BROWN LIQUID OUT INTO HIS MOUTH.
MAN
(slurring)
Mmm-eurgh! (to Wife) I don't think much of these new Brandy Pants you bought.
WIFE walks past with a basket of washing and lends a casual look.
WIFE
There's no such thing. And those are just your normal pants!
MAN
Bleurghh!!
HIS FACE SOURS IN DISGUST.
VOICEOVER MAN
-you won't find them at the bottom of your pants.
MAN
It tastes like something's wrong.
VOICEOVER MAN
(gleefully)
That's because they're shit!
A PHOTO OF NEW VODKA PANTS SLOWLY FADES IN.
VOICEOVER MAN (CONT'D)
Vodka Pants; there's simply no substitute (Two beats) except for New Vodka Pants!!
END
