I have been thinking about putting my own spin on well known bible stories. Here is a sample.
Moses
INT. BEDUOIN TENT IN THE DESERT. DAY.
MOSES, AARON AND THE VOICE OF GOD ARE HAVING A CONVERSATION.
Moses
Anyway, why me? I’ve been brought up as Egyptian.
God
I heard you were handy with a stonemason’s chisel.
Moses
And that was the only criterion was it? That’s all it takes to administer the Holy Law to the chosen people is it?
God
Don’t put yourself down. Carving stone tablets is the work of a craftsman. Anyway, it’s not an easy task, being an invisible entity with no hands. It’s easy for you. I can’t even blow my nose.
Moses
How come you have a nose?
God
Never thought about it really.
Moses
So you have no other body parts apart from a nose?
God
Hey, nobody’s perfect.
Moses
You are supposed to be.
God
Well, sometimes I lack confidence. It’s tough at the top. Anyway, you’re no oil painting are you?
Moses (Sniggering)
Do you have a problem with unwanted nasal hair?
God
I don’t know. If you must know, I registered blind. I have no eyes.
Moses
Do you have a guide dog?
God
Don’t be stupid.
Moses
Well, it doesn’t hold you back.
God
I get by.
Moses
So to get the right image in my head, you are a blind nose with a white stick.
MOSES AND AARON ARE PISSING THEMSELVES LAUGHING.
God
You can be really hurtful sometimes.
Moses
So if you can’t see, how did you find me?
God
Easy. I have a highly developed sense of smell.
Moses
What?
God
I sniffed you out.
Moses
Are you insinuating something?
God
It was easy. You stink of sheep and those anti perspirant perfumed oils.
Moses
I never use the stuff.
God (in an effeminate voice)
Oh yeah, you kick up like a whore’s saddlebags.
Moses
I do not.
God
I may be a nose on a stick but at least you’re safe when you bend over to pick up a shekel with me around.
Moses
Shut up big nose
God
Mincer.
Moses
If I get hold of you…
God
What are you gonna do? Pinch my bum.
Moses
You haven’t got a bum.
God
Just as well with you around.
Aaron
Look you two, can you just stop bickering and get a grip. I think you should come up with something better than ten guidelines.
God
What do you suggest?
Moses
Rules?
Aaron
No. It sounds to school boy-ish.
God
What about ten ways to lead a Holy life?
Moses
That’s rubbish!
God
What do you mean?
Moses
It sounds like a self help pamphlet from the Samaritans.
Aaron
You need something more dramatic, something that people will remember, something that commands authority.
Moses
That’s it! Commandments. The Ten Commandments of God.
Aaron
Brilliant!
God
I was gonna say that.