===========================
A MATTER OF LIFE & DEATH
===========================
INT. CASUALTY DEPARTMENT. DAY.
ADRENALIN-PUMPING MUSIC PLAYS AS THE ENTRANCE DOORS TO A CASUALTY DEPARTMENT BURST OPEN. A SERIOUSLY-INJURED MAN ON A GURNEY IS WHEELED SWIFTLY THROUGH CORRIDORS PULLED BY A VERY HANDSOME, SWARTHY DOCTOR, A BEAUTIFUL NURSE ON EITHER SIDE AND TONED PARAMEDICS PUSHING.
DOCTOR
I need a saline drip and a chem-7! Now!
LEFT NURSE (URGENT BUT SEXY)
Doctor! His torso appears to have been lacerated. The entire thing is hanging off!
DOCTOR
Keep it cold! I'll reattach it later using my unusually-highly-skilled operating ability as part-time ER doctor and part-time surgeon!
RIGHT NURSE (ALSO URGENT BUT SEXY)
I'll get some ice.
DOCTOR
Hurry! It's a matter of life and death!
THERE IS A THUNDERCLAP AND LIGHTNING AND LIFE APPEARS. EVERYONE, INCLUDING THE 'INJURED' MAN ON THE GURNEY STOPS AND TURNS TO LOOK OPEN-JAWED AT THE NEW GUY APPEARING ON THE SET. EVERYONE IS STILL STARING AT LIFE AS DEATH PACES SLOWLY AROUND THE CORNER.
DEATH
Always with the big, dramatic entrance...
LIFE
You've got to give them what they expect. You're always creeping up on your clients, scaring them half to death.
DEATH
That makes the job easier. (PAUSE) Why is everyone looking at us?
LIFE
It's normally only the affected ones that can see us. (LOUDER) Excuse me, can you see us?
THE WHOLE CAST NOD VERY SLOWLY UP AND DOWN IN UNISON.
DEATH
Oh dear. It appears there may have been a slight administrative error.
LIFE
Okay, did somebody say 'matter of life and death'?
THE DOCTOR SLOWLY PUTS HIS HAND UP.
DOCTOR
Ahem. Erm... that was me!
DEATH
This is a film set, isn't it?
DOCTOR
Erm. Yes.
DEATH
(MUTTERS) Bugger, not again. (TO CAST) I'm sorry there appears to have been a grave misunderstanding.
LIFE
Grave! I like it! You're here all week.
LIFE BANGS IMAGINARY COMEDY DRUMS AND CYMBAL.
DEATH (SIGHS)
You'd have thought the support centre would have sorted it out by now. I wish they hadn't outsourced it offshore.
LIFE
Ok, then. Sorry to have interrupted, people. We'll be on our way.
DEATH STARTS TO TURN AWAY AND LIFE IS ABOUT TO SLAM HIS STAFF DOWN, WHEN SOMETHING CATCHES HIS EYE.
LIFE
Hang on, aren't you Jed Pizazz?!
DOCTOR
Erm... yes...
LIFE
You were in 'Born Again'. That comedy about reincarnation. I love that film!
DEATH
Oh, it's one of my favourites. (MOTIONS A FINGER BETWEEN LIFE AND HIMSELF) Buddhism is where the vast majority of our co-productions are set.
LIFE
I was there when you were born, you know. Rotherham General.
DOCTOR (WORRIED, LOUD, LOOKING AROUND)
I was born in Hampshire. As it says on my CV. And as everyone knows.
LIFE
No, no. I'm sure it was Rotherham. Hang on, I'll check.
LIFE CLICKS FINGERS. A BIG BOOK APPEARS IN HIS HANDS. HE LICKS FINGER AND QUICKLY LEAFS THROUGH TO THE APPROPRIATE PAGE.
LIFE
Yes, look -- it says here ‘Rotherham. Mother: crack whore; father: unknown, three possibles’.
DOCTOR
(LOUD) That's clearly wrong. (SOTTO VOCE) Do you know which one it was?
LIFE (LOW)
Oh, yes. It was the gun-running, murdering pimp.
DOCTOR (DESPONDENT)
... thought so...
EVERYONE WATCHES AS THE ACTOR TRIES TO HOLD BACK THE TEARS BUT THEY START TO BEAT HIM. HE STARTS WAILING AND ONE OF THE NURSES COMFORTS HIM IN HER ENORMOUS BOSOM. LIFE AND DEATH START TO TIPTOE SLOWLY OFF THE SET.
DEATH (LOW)
Well done. Upsetting everyone.
LIFE (LOW)
He deserved to know the truth.
DEATH (LOW)
You'd have thought you would have picked up how to be at least a *little* sympathetic from me.
LIFE (LOW)
Hey! Everyone's practically delirious when I'm around normally. Tears of happiness, passing out cigars! (BEAT) It's very hard to offend anyone.
DEATH (LOW)
I'll see if we can't get you and Brian Blessed some lessons...
THEY EXIT THE SET. EVERYONE IS STILL STARING AT THE WAILING ACTOR.
END
========================
Completing my trilogy using the characters Life and Death.
(Previous installments:
'The Metaphysics of Pete Doherty' https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/1795 and
'Life & Death in: The Incident' https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/1813 )
All feedback welcome.
Cheers
Dan
