The final couple of failures from Series 3.
Dan
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Nuclear Deterrent
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MILES:
In an enormous public display of my penis is smaller than your penis, the Treasury are refusing to pay for a replacement nuclear deterrent for Trident, citing not enough money for defence and laying the costs firmly at the door of economically-named Secretary of State for Defence, Liam Fox, who I have on the line now. Hello, Mr Fox
FOX:
Hello Miles.
MILES:
So, it looks like your department will have to foot the cost of the nuclear deterrent, rather than traditional funders The Treasury.
FOX:
Oh yes, Miles. But after a little misunderstanding, we've managed to discover some funding we hadn't considered before.
MILES:
You have?
FOX:
Yes, indeed. For a start, we no longer need the Trident missiles. So we're going to sell these off.
MILES:
That's a little naïve. Couldn't anybody get hold of them?
FOX:
Oh no, Miles. This is a tried and tested, secure transaction.
MILES:
It's ebay, isn't it?
FOX:
Well, yes. But we're guaranteed a good price! We've already started a bidding war!
MILES:
'War' will probably be extremely ironic by the time this is repeated on Radio 7. Who are the bidders?
FOX:
Oh, no-one we know. A 'DearGreatLeaderKim', an 'IranNumber1' and 'HideNSeekBeardy114'.
MILES:
I see. Any other money-making methods in the offing?
FOX:
Yes, of course. We're evicting the remaining members of Democracy Village.
MILES:
How will that make money? I thought the eviction was due to the place being a little untidy.
FOX:
Oh, no. That's prime development land there. We're building a massive block of flats. Ironically, they will shield the House of Commons from any missiles!
MILES:
Is that it?
FOX:
No, of course not. We'll plug the rest of the gap with the money from the petty cash tin.
MILES:
The petty cash tin? Blimey! How much is in there?
FOX:
Oh, well, technically speaking, it has a label on the side saying 'State Pension' but there is *loads* in there! No-one will miss it.
MILES:
Yet. Liam Fox, thank you very much.
END
