Hungry Cats

This is a sketch I put together. It's quite ghoulish. Any comments suggestions would be great.

SILVIA THE CARE WORKER IS KNOCKING ON THE DOOR OF A HOUSE IN A ROUGH PART OF TOWN. PEARL, AN OLD LADY ANSWERS.

Pearl: Why hello George!

Silvia: Silvia.

Pearl: Silvia! Come in and bring George with you.

SILVIA GOES IN. SHE ENTERS THE LIVING ROOM AND IS SURROUNDED BY CATS, PERHAPS 8 OF THEM. PEARL SHOES SOME ASIDE FOR HER TO SIT ON THE SOFA.

Pearl: (HISSING) Not yet kitties! Cup of tea?

Silvia: Thanks Pearl. Is it ok if I check the notes from the last carer?

Pearl: Yes of course. I think everything was fine. If it wasn't I can't remember anyway.

Silvia: (WITH CONCERN) Yes I know. It's getting difficult.

Pearl: But God bless you, and God bless George, and God bless the Queen. She's a year older than me.

PEARL EXITS TO PUT THE TEA ON. SILVIA CHECKS THE NOTES. SHE LOOKS WORRIED.

Silvia: He doesn't seem to have filled them in. That's very odd.

Pearl: No? He probably had other things on his mind.

Silvia: Well he shouldn't, it's his job.

PEARL HEARS THE KETTLE AND GOES TO MAKE THE TEA. SILVIA MEANWHILE NOTICES A RAG OF UNIFORM WITH BLOOD AND SCRATCH MARKS ON IT. IN HORROR SHE HIDES IT UNDER A CUSHION AS PEARL RE-ENTERS WITH 3 TEAS.

Pearl: Why it's Flopsie, Mopsie, Tibbles, Dibbles and Ian Paisley.

Silvia: You're quite the cat fan.

Pearl: Why of course. And they're very happy to eat - I mean meet you.

PEARL PASSES SILVIA THE TEA WHO TAKES A SIP. ALL OF THE CATS CROWD AROUND THE SOFA.

Silvia: Right. That's great. Anything else you need? I think there's some pills you've got to take about now..

Pearl: Oh dear!

Silvia: What is it.

Pearl: Do you know, I mislaid those pills I'm sure.

Silvia: Are you sure?

Pearl: I was down in the basement earlier, sharpening the ends of my zimmer frame, and perhaps I...

Silvia: Well I better have a look.

Pearl: Of course.

THEY WALK TO THE DOOR, WHICH IS OPEN. SUDDENLY SILVIA STARTS TO WOBBLE AT THE DOORWAY. PEARL GIVES HER A PUSH WITH HER STICK AND SHE FALLS DOWN THE STAIRS WITH A CRASH.

Pearl: Mislaid them in the tea! That's where they were.

PEARL PULLS A LITTLE BELL FROM HER COAT WHICH SHE RINGS.

Pearl: Shame George left so suddenly, he was the fatter after all. Dinner time pussy cats!

Interesting idea but way to much build up for a simple punch.

having telegraphed the ending all the way through, some sort of a twist seems called for to defy expectations.

SootyJ, I think your right. Gonna have to try find something that works for this.

Timbo, Yeah maybe a twist could work. But the idea is quite sinister, so do you think more mock horror dialogue and/or context could work as well? I quite like the character but maybe she needs more build up.

This is version two. I had a new idea for this sketch which I'm gonna work on.

SILVIA THE CARE WORKER KNOCKS ON THE DOOR OF A HOUSE IN A ROUGH PART OF TOWN. AN OLD LADY, PEARL, ANSWERS.

Pearl: Why hello George.

Silvia: Silvia.

Pearl: Silvia! Come in and bring George with you.

SILVIA GOES IN. SHE WALKS INTO THE LIVING ROOM AND IS IMMEDIATELY SURROUNDED BY CATS, PERHAPS EIGHT OF THEM.

Pearl: Cup of tea?

Silvia: Thanks Pearl. Is just need to check the notes from the last carer...

Pearl: Yes of course. I think everything was fine. If it wasn't I can't remember anyway. Maybe my moggies will remember. Do you remember that nice young man?

SHE BENDS DOWN TO PET THE CATS WHO STARE BALEFULLY AT SILVIA.

Pearl: Cats are such good company.

Silvia: (Concern in her voice) Yes I know. It must be difficult since Norman...

Pearl: He's such blessing. He can't be here all the time now. But God bless you, and God bless George and God bless the Queen. She's a year older than me.

SHE GOES OFF TO MAKE THE TEA. SILVIA CHECKS THE NOTES. SHE BEGINS TO LOOK A LITTLE WORRIED BY THEM.

Silvia: He didn't fill them in. That's very odd.

Pearl: No? It'll be lunch time soon.

Silvia: Well that's no excuse, it's his job.

PEARL HEARS THE KETTLE AND GOES TO CHECK THE TEA. SILVIA MEANWHILE FINDS A RAGGED, BLOOD STAINED PIECE OF UNIFORM. PEARL, AND FIVE MORE CATS RETURN WITH THREE TEAS JUST AS SILVIA IS HIDING THE RAG UNDER A CUSHION. PEARL PUTS THE TRAY ON THE COFFEE TABLE.

Pearl: Why it's Flopsie, Mopsie, Tibbles, Dibbles and Ian Paisley.

Silvia: You're quite the cat fan.

Pearl: Why of course. And they're very happy to eat - I mean meet you.

PEARL PASSES SILVIA A TEA. THE CATS CROWD AROUND THE SOFA.

Silvia: Right. That's great. Anything else you need? I think there's some pills you've got to take about now..

Pearl: Oh dear!

Silvia: What is it.

Pearl: Do you know, I mislaid those pills I'm sure.

Silvia: Are you sure?

Pearl: I was down in the basement earlier, sharpening the ends of my zimmer frame, and perhaps I...

Silvia: Well I better have a look.

Pearl: Of course. After you.

THEY WALK TO THE HALF OPEN CELLAR DOOR. SILVIA TRIES TO SQUEEZE THROUGH THE GAP BUT THERE'S A BOX IN THE WAY. SHE PUSHES THROUGH, BUT CLUTCHES HER HEAD AND WOBBLES ON THE FIRST STEP.

Pearl: Young people are so fat nowdays. Time to put the toad in the hole. Lardy in the larder, heave ho!

PEARL GIVES HER A BIG PUSH WITH STICK. WE HEAR SILVIA FALLING DOWN THE STAIRS.

Pearl: Mislaid them in the tea! That's where they were.

PEARL PULLS A LITTLE BELL FROM HER POCKET AND RINGS IT.

Pearl: Shame George left so suddenly, he was the bigger after all. Dinner time pussy cats! Now where did I put those secateurs?

A lot smoother than the original works well

Yes the second one was much better. Very visual would make a great animation.

I still think you're telegraphing a bit too much. The dialogue seems very forced and unnatural at times.

Reminds me of the sort of stuff I used to write when I first came here. Which is rather here nor there, I suppose, in the grand schemes of this thread.

Thanks for the advice. I will try write it again. Then leaves it methinks.