Procrastination Man

This intended as a runner, so more to come if it meets approval.

1. EXT: OFFICES OF THE DAILY GLOBE. DAY.

CAPTION: The story so far: After a freak accident at a Virgin Media Customer Services Call Centre, cub reporter Stan Kane has become gifted with superhuman powers of putting things off until an unspecified later date. He has become...

TITLE & NARRATOR (VO)
Procrastination Man.

THERE IS AN EMPTY SPACE WHERE YOU WOULD EXPECT STAN TO BE STANDING.

NARRATOR (VO)
Er...

STAN (OOV)
Be with you in a minute.

2. INT: NEWSROOM OF THE DAILY GLOBE. DAY.

STAN IS AT HIS DESK SAT IN FRONT OF HIS MONITOR. THE EDITOR COMES MARCHING OVER.

EDITOR
Stan, the lady's lingerie factory is burning down. There are half-naked models trapped on the roof. Get over there.

STAN
On my way. I just need to send this e-mail...

EDITOR
Stan...

STAN
Won't be a sec.

THE EDITOR TAPS HIS FEET IMPATIENTLY.

STAN
Right... there you go. Just sending. Now.

STAN THROWS ON HIS COAT, THEN SITS DOWN AGAIN.

STAN
I just want to check that has actually sent.

EDITOR
Go!

STAN GETS AS FAR AS THE DOOR AND THEN TURNS ROUND AND COMES BACK AGAIN.

STAN
Did I lock that monitor?

3. EXT. THE STREET.

SMOKE IS BILLOWING. THERE IS A POLICE CORDON, FIRE CREW ARE MILLING ABOUT.

STAN
Now to change to my secret identity as Procrastination Man!

HE GOES TO ENTER A PHONE BOX AND RECOILS.

STAN
I'll see if I can find one no-one has peed in.

4. EXT. THE STREET AGAIN. DAY.

SCANTILY CLAD MODELS ARE BEING HELPED PAST THE POLICE CORDON BY FIREFIGHTERS.

STAN ARRIVES DRESSED IN TIGHTS AND A CAPE.

STAN
It is I - Procrastination Man - Let me through.

FIREFIGHTER
Too late Procrastination Man. We are just finishing off here.

STAN
Bugger. (TO HIMSELF) I suppose I had better file that copy.

5. INT. NEWSROOM OF DAILY GLOBE. DAY.

THE EDITOR IS ON THE PHONE.

EDITOR
That's' great Stan, but you've missed the final edition. We're leading on the missing puppy.

TO BE CONTINUED.

Thank you kind sir. As promised:

1. INT: NEWSROOM OF THE DAILY GLOBE. DAY.

STAN IS AT HIS DESK. THE EDITOR COMES MARCHING OVER.

EDITOR
Stan, there is a hold-up at the post office. The post mistress has been taken hostage. Get over there.

STAN
The post-mistress!

DISOLVE TO:

2. INT. POST OFFICE. DAY.

STAN IS BEING SERVED BY LOUISE, THE POST MISTRESS.

STAN
Two second class stamps please.

THEIR EYES MEET. MONTAGE FOLLOWS OF ROMANTIC MOMENTS, ENDING ON:

3. EXT. PARK.

LOUISE
It's not you, Stan - it's me.

STAN
It's that Brian isn't it? He's turned your head.

LOUISE
He sends parcels. By registered mail.

STAN
I could open a Savings Account!

LOUISE
I'm sorry Stan, you will always be franked on my heart.

EDITOR (VO)
Stan... Stan!

DISOLVE TO:

INT. 4. NEWSROOM OF DAILY GLOBE.

THE EDITOR IS SHAKING STAN.

EDITOR
Stan!

STAN
This is the chance for me, I mean Procrastination Man, to show Louise, just what she means to me, er, him! I must go to her!

EDITOR
No need - while you were having your flashback the police rescued her.

STAN BURIES HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS.

TO BE CONTINUED.

The first one is the strongest I reckon but maybe just by nature of being the first. The second one is nicely done though, is there another to come?

I do like the premise, but with his super powers being what they are I would expect him to at least try to use them or pretend that using them was somehow doing good.

Unless he doesn't know what his powers are.
he he just a reporter who doesn't know he has powers?

I preferred the first one as well.

Cheers for the honest feedback. I had intended to do more with this, with further failed rescues of Louise, but I am not convinced it is working either, and I am getting a bit bored with it, so I'll cut straight to the final gag:

EXT. CEMETERY. DAY.

A PRIEST, THE EDITOR AND A HANDFUL OF OTHER MOURNERS ARE STANDING AROUND AN OPEN GRAVE.

PRIEST
We are gathered here today to mourn Daily Globe reporter Stan Kane, who in his secret superhero identity was known to all those whom he failed to rescue in the nick of time, as Procrastination Man.

THE PRIEST LOOKS AT HIS WATCH. THE MOURNERS APPEAR RESTLESS.

PRIEST
We'll give him another five minutes.

END.

Procrastination Man is almost up there with Bicycle Repair Man.

I might write some more later...

I like the premise a lot. Very good work to my mind.

Better late than never...

1. EXT. THE STREET. NIGHT.

PROCRASTINATION MAN (STAN) IS BEING ADDRESSED BY A FRANTIC WOMAN CLINGING TO HIS SLEEVE.

NARRATOR (VO)
As the result of a freak accident in a Virgin Media Services Call Centre, cub reporter Stan Kane has been transformed into Procrastination Man. The story continues.

WOMAN
Procrastination Man, thank God you've come... eventually.

STAN
You know I was halfway here and I thought, did I leave the grill on? So of course I had to go back and check.

WOMAN
Of course, only the ferris wheel at the town fair has come adrift on its bearings and is careering down the high street...

STAN
Then, when I came away I couldn't remember if I'd locked the front door - you can't be too careful.

WOMAN
Passengers are clinging on by their fingernails.

STAN
Yes, only I thought since I would be passing the library on the way here I should return those books.

WOMAN
The runaway wheel is leaving a trail of devastation in its wake.

STAN
Yes it took a bit longer than I expected. What with the fines.

WOMAN
If it is not stopped it will crash through the zoo, freeing the wild animals to roam the streets, before flattening the orphanage and smashing into the dam holding back the waters of the town reservoir.

STAN
Yes I'll be right on it...

2. EXT. A RAFT FLOATING UPON FLOODWATERS. DAY.

STAN IS PROTECTIVELY SHELTERING AN ORPHAN WHILE USING A CHAIR TO FEND OFF A LION AT THE OTHER END OF THE RAFT.

ORPHAN
You're my hero Procrastination Man!

END.

I'll look at this later.

1. INT, BASEMENT. DAY

NARRATOR (VO)
Postmistress Louise Vale is being held prisoner by Procrastination Man's arch-nemesis, The Prevaricator.

A SEXILY DISHEVELLED LOUISE IS BOUND TO A CHAIR; THE PREVARICATOR STANDS OVER HER RUBBING HIS HANDS.

PREVARICATOR
...and when the candle burns through the rope the axe will swing free.

LOUISE
Slicing me in two, you monster.

PREVARICATOR
You underestimate me my dear. The axe will cut the chains holding back the giant steel ball.

LOUISE
Crushing me to a bloody pulp - fiend!

PREVARICATOR
No, no my sweet, the weight of the steel ball will release valve in the cistern.

LOUISE
Flooding the basement until the water rises to my chin and...

PREVARICATOR
No! The water will rise until it triggers...

FADE

LOUISE
So let's get this straight, when the budgerigar with the match tied to its tail ignites the fuse...

2. INT. HOSPITAL. DAY

STAN IS BY LOUISE'S BED.

STAN
(HOPEFULLY) So Procrastination Man saved the day?

LOUISE
Sort of. When Procrastination Man rang my mobile to say he had been held up, the ringtone startled the budgie of its perch, setting light to the Prevaricator who tripped on the lever that lowered the ceiling and he stumbled into the pool of sharks...

FADE

...and fortunately I was able to escape by clinging to the iron maiden until the flood waters subsided.

STAN
And all thanks to Procrastination Man.

LOUISE
Yesss... Shouldn't you be going? Visiting time was over an hour ago.

END.

Yep it's still good. Probably better that you waited.

Quote: Timbo @ November 25 2011, 3:27 PM GMT

1. INT, BASEMENT. DAY

NARRATOR (VO)
Postmistress Louise Vale is being held prisoner by Procrastination Man's arch-nemesis, The Prevaricator.

A SEXILY DISHEVELLED LOUISE IS BOUND TO A CHAIR; THE PREVARICATOR STANDS OVER HER RUBBING HIS HANDS.

PREVARICATOR
...and when the candle burns through the rope the axe will swing free.

LOUISE
Slicing me in two, you monster.

PREVARICATOR
You underestimate me my dear. The axe will cut the chains holding back the giant steel ball.

LOUISE
Crushing me to a bloody pulp - fiend!

PREVARICATOR
No, no my sweet, the weight of the steel ball will release valve in the cistern.

LOUISE
Flooding the basement until the water rises to my chin and...

PREVARICATOR
No! The water will rise until it triggers...

FADE

LOUISE
So let's get this straight, when the budgerigar with the match tied to its tail ignites the fuse...

2. INT. HOSPITAL. DAY

STAN IS BY LOUISE'S BED.

STAN
(HOPEFULLY) So Procrastination Man saved the day?

LOUISE
Sort of. When Procrastination Man rang my mobile to say he had been held up, the ringtone startled the budgie of its perch, setting light to the Prevaricator who tripped on the lever that lowered the ceiling and he stumbled into the pool of sharks...

FADE

...and fortunately I was able to escape by clinging to the iron maiden until the flood waters subsided.

STAN
And all thanks to Procrastination Man.

LOUISE
Yesss... Shouldn't you be going? Visiting time was over an hour ago.

END.

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Love it!