TOM IS BEING INTERROGATED BY THE POLICE
TOM
For the last time I didn't do it. I loved my wife and besides I've got an alibi.
COP1
An alibi and an insurance policy for half a million smackers.
TOM
Officer Bobbins isn't it? When's my lawyer getting here?
COP2
Soon enough you icy son of a bitch.
COP1
His face won't crack.
PETER FALK STORMS IN HE IS VERY FILTHY AND MENTAL LOOKING HIS FINGERS ARE RATHER DIRTY.
PETER FALK
But his ass will.
COP1 AND COP2 PULL TOM'S PANTS DOWN AND BEND HIM OVER THE TABLE.
PETER FALK ADRESSES HIS QUESTIONS TO TOM'S BOTTOM.
TOM
What the hell? Pull my trouser up who is this guy? Is he a fruit or something.
COP1
He's Leutenant Kabumbo.
COP2
He's the greatest arse reader in Newyork, hell he's the greatest arse reader in the country.
TOM
Arse reading. is just a made up science. Where's my lawyer.
PETER FALK
You're clenching your buttocks. Feeling guilty?
TOM
Get away from my Butt you homo nut.
PETER FALK
You're puckering but you want to come clean.
COP1
He's amazing.
TOM
I'm innocent I loved my wife. I didn't know her brakes were going to fail.
COP2
His lawyers gonna be here in 5 minutes. And you know he won't allow an arse reading in open court.
PETER FALK
Well then no more Mr Niceguy!
HE SLAPS TOMS ARSE HARD
TOM
Ow! You bottom obsessed loony.
PETER FALK
Just one more question, one small question. Why did you kill her you assy bastard!
PETER FALK STARTS POKING TOM'S ARSE WITH HIS INDEX FINGER
HE APARENTLY POKES SOMETHING ABIT TO HARD.
TOM
Yow I did it. Just stop poking my ring.
TOM'S LAWYER BURSTS IN.
COP1
You're too late the ass squealed
TOM FARTS
COP2
Twice.
EVERYONE LAUGHS.
SCENE2
PETER FALKS (COLUMBO)IS SITTING ON CAJUMBO (AN ELEPHANT DRESSED AS COLUMBO) PETER FALK(KABUMBO) WOULD APPEAR TO BE HANGNG OUT OF CAJUMBO'S BOTTOM HIS FEET SWINGING IN THE AIR
COLUMBO
I warned you not to read his ass when he was about to sit down.
VO
Coming this Xmas to Sky1 Columbo meets Kabumbo up Cajumbo in murder in Malibu.