FAMILY PRIDE.
SCENE 1:
INT. HALLWAY. FAMILY HOUSE. CHEESY MUSIC PLAYING. TELEPHONE RINGS. TYPICAL MIDDLE-CLASS SITCOM DAD ANSWERS CHEERILY.
DAD:
7890 4321 man of the house speaking! (PAUSE) Not you again.. the name's GARY Pride, how many times do I have to tell you people...
HE PUTS THE PHONE DOWN AND HALF TURNS AWAY BUT IT RINGS AGAIN. HE ANSWERS.
DAD:
7890 4321 Gary Pride speaking! (PAUSE) Ah, mother.. oh, it was you.. yes, of course... (SHOUTS) Gaye, it's your mother...
DAD PUTS THE RECEIVER DOWN AT THE SIDE OF THE PHONE AND WALKS AWAY.
SCENE 2:
INT. KITCHEN. BOY NINE YEARS OLD IN POSH SCHOOL UNIFORM IS EATING CEREAL.
SIMON:
Hi dad, can you get me some more cereal!
DAD WALKS UP TO THE BOY AND HITS HIM HARD IN THE FACE WITH HIS FIST, BLOOD SPURTS FROM THE BOY'S NOSE AS HE FALLS TO THE FLOOR SCREAMING.
DAD:
Please... "Hi dad, can you get me some more cereal, please!"
DAD WALKS TOWARDS A CUPBOARD.
SIMON:
Just get the f**king cereal, you tosser!
TYPICAL MIDDLE-CLASS SITCOM MUM WALKS IN. SMILING. JOLLY. MUMSY.
MUM:
Please.. get the cereal, please! You're terrible Simon, I really don't know... (PAUSE) Did I hear someone say f**king, if I did I shall be cross!
SIMON COVERED IN BLOOD CLIMBS BACK ONTO HIS CHAIR.
SIMON:
It was dad, he's quite a c**t!
MUM:
OK that's enough of that Simon, quite enough. (PAUSE) Gary, mother says you spat directly in her face in the street yesterday, did you really dear?
DAD:
Not quite, not directly no, but I meant to.. look, must dash I really should speak to Archibald (BEAT) before I go to the office, yes before I go to the office, that's it..
SIMON IS BLEEDING PROFUSELY INTO HIS CEREAL BUT STILL EATING IT. HE EATS HEARTILY AND SMILES AT HIS FATHER.
SIMON:
Go f**k yourself, dad!
DAD TURNS AND SMILES LOVINGLY AT HIS SON. HE THEN TURNS TO HIS WIFE WITH A WINNING SMILE AND SPEAKS DELIBERATELY AND DIRECTLY TO HER.
DAD:
Later on dear, I am going to kill myself!
MUM:
That's all right, dear it's Tuesday..
SCENE 3.
EXT. GARDEN. AN OLD GARDENER IS MAKING A ROLL UP. DAD COMES UP TO HIM.
DAD:
Archibald, can you let me have some petrol from the mower, a length of rubber tube, the largest funnel you have and a quick one off the wrist?
ARCHIBALD CONTINUES MAKING HIS ROLL UP. HE FINISHES IT AND LIGHTS UP.
ARCHIBALD:
Alright.
SCENE 4:
INT. TYPICAL POSH SCHOOL CLASSROOM. TEACHER HAS JUST DISMISSED THE CLASS.
SIMON:
Mr Cartwright, sir can I have a few words.
TEACHER:
As long as it's "goodbye, I'm off" then, yes.
SIMON:
My father is going to kill himself later on.
TEACHER:
Gaye Pride... she's your mother isn't she?
SIMON:
Yes, she is.
TEACHER:
Look, she has nice tits and that's a fact but even so you really need to keep this personal stuff to yourself, Cartwright.
SIMON:
I'm Pride sir, you're Cartwright.
TEACHER:
Look boy, I saw your father earlier. He set fire to himself on the old toll bridge and burned to a cinder, so I shouldn't worry.
SIMON: (KNOWINGLY)
Wasn't that bridge originally called 'old crossway', sir.
THE TEACHER LOOKS AT SIMON IN WONDERMENT.
TEACHER:
They haven't called it that in eighty years! How did you know?
SIMON SMILES AT HIS TEACHER COYLY.
SIMON:
Dad was pretty hot on local history, sir!
THEY BOTH GRIN THEN BURST OUT LAUGHING. SOME BLACK SMOKE DRIFTS PAST THE WINDOW.
eptember thirteenth, Nigel, black hair, five feet, handsome
h for f**k sake - 
on't be ridiculous. Anyway, the subscribers love what you do
RANTING) this is a joke, a f**king joke, what sort of father, I hate you, if I ever see you again I'm gonna stick this in your eye, pull it out, and stick it up your arse!
