My failed GCHQ effort...

Far too long, no real structure and barely any jokes.

Sorry, fella...

Thanks for the input RJ

The joke was primarily the football angle, it's difficult to gage if something is too long when you're reading it as opposed to hearing it so to speak, so I'm a little unsure of it all at the moment but hopefully I'll learn and be wary of making future ones too long!

Thanks again for the pointers, much appreciated

Here's a tip. Listen to the next Newsjack, pick out a sketch you like and just try to write it down on the page to see what it looks like. Try and get a sense of the structure and rhythm.

I suppose it isn't so important for Newsjack but the actual news story was GCHQ treating its non-white staff in a racist way, not so much GCHQ being unable to recruit non-white staff.

And as it's being performed in front of an audience the jokes have to come thick and fast and the sketch has to be pretty short. Your sketch doesn't do this.

You've already been given the best advice (write down one of the broadcast sketches to see how it looks) and I'll add what I did, which was to listen to an episode several times to get a sense of what they wanted before I started writing anything.

I'd post my own GCHQ sketch up for critique but, having just had a look at it, I can see it's rubbish and don't need telling!

Thank you both for the advice, I do listen to them beforehand to get an idea and make notes of the kind of things that get in but I do find the stuff that gets on is quite different to what I'm submitting.

I'll try and get something completed early and then mull over it before sending it in, I've left it late the last 2 weeks.

I'd like to read yours Jinky, please post it up!

Thanks again :-)

... but I do find the stuff that gets on is quite different to what I'm submitting.

There's a lesson in there somewhere.

I'm still learning! I only started putting pen to paper a few weeks ago!

One week left, thanks for all the input everyone, I'll take it on board for the week ahead

You've already got good advice so I will repeat it. The live audience wants to laugh, and if you have two or three lines without even a hint of smile then your following line has to be a belter.

Also, be clear what your comic angle is on the sketch. Stick to it (okay, maybe have a clever twist later on if it suits), but let us the audience know as soon as possible what the sketch is about. If you are making a footballing link to GCHQ I think it needs to be made much more obvious and in the first few lines.

Hi SoS

Yeah, echo what everyone else says: it felt way too long and not funny enough. The lines are way too long themselves too. It also doesn't 'feel' [i]Newsjack[i]-y -- you're already alienating the sketch readers by referring to 'Reporter 1', which looks like you've not listened to the show much. He's called Miles, call him Miles. Everyone else does. The first line kind of does feel Miles-y, so it has that going for it.

Here's a good blog by Dan Tetsell (the script editor) on how to lay a script out. The important point is that using this format, a page is about 45 seconds-1 minute of air time. Put your sketch in that format and you'll see how long it is. An upper limit of sketches is three pages.

Hope this helps

Dan

Too long and to few jokes. Also the language is quite clunky.

And quite a few of the jokes just don't work.

e.g. the Mel Gibson one, why would camomile tea anger him?

Where as you could say "as angry as Mel Gibson in a synagogue, spare rib editorial meeting etc."

BTW there are a lot of failed NJ sketches in Critique and most of them start with 'NJ:' in the title so you can spot them. Have a look through them to get a feel for them. Last series was January this year so go back to that timeframe and have a read through to see what works/doesn't work.

Dan

All constructive and helpful stuff, cheers everyone!

I have read the Dan Tetsell blog, only once and then jumped into it all, I'll give it another more through read and get to work on something in time for next week taking on board all the help and advice in here.

The Mel Gibson part was something else I was doing, but threw it in there to beef it out a bit as I thought it a bit short!

Oh the innocence of newbies!

It appears my friend was right, it wasn't very good! but I'm going to lie to him and say it did get aired, I'm also going to put laxatives in his cup of tea and probably punch him in the eye at some point but make it look like an accident.