Haven't posted in a while, so I thought I would stick this up and ask you lovely people for some constructive critique. Its the first scene of something I'm working on.
Thanks in advance.
On a black screen. SUPERIMPOSE in white letters:
"Last fall, Dai Jones was arrested for being drunk and disorderly in Brynmawr town centre and the theft of a 19 year old American exchange student, Anna Foster, underwear. He was also charged with the assault of Barry Cohen, a paranormal investigator. Dai claimed they were all victims of a demonic entity of unknown origin. Shortly after his arrest, he soiled himself while sobbing silently in the back of a police car.
The following is unseen footage of a DVD found in a box in someones attic, and then bought at a car boot sale in the vain hope that it was home made porn. Alas it was not."
CUT TO:
SCENE 1. INT. JONES RESIDENCE KITCHEN - DAY
ON A BLACK SCREEN. SUPERIMPOSE IN WHITE LETTERS:
"Day One July 15th 2010"
A BRIGHT LIGHT IS REVEALED. THE SCENE IS OUT OF FOCUS AND VERY JERKY, IT OBVIOUSLY SOMEONE USING A HANDHELD CAMERA BADLY. IT REFOCUSES TO SHOW A TALL WIREY MAN OF ABOUT 50 YEARS OLD STOOD AWKWARDLY IN A KITCHEN SMOKING A CIGARETTE.
DAI:
(O.S.) (WELSH ACCENT) That fine specimen of a man is Steve. Say hello Steve.
STEVE:
(WELSH ACCENT) Hello Steve.
DAI:
(LAUGHS) Silly twat.
THE CAMERA PANS LEFT TO SHOW A PRETTY 19 YEAR OLD WOMEN LEANING AGAINST THE SINK WITH HER ARMS FOLDED AND GLARING AT THE CAMERA. SHE IS WEARING A TURTLENECK JUMPER DESPITE THE SUNSHINE COMING IN THROUGH THE WINDOW BEHIND HER.
DAI:
(O.S) And that sexy young thing is our American Princess Anna. Say hello Anna.
ANNA:
(AMERICAN ACCENT) Piss off Dai.
STEVE LAUGHS AND ANNA GIVES DAI THE MIDDLE FINGER AND LOOKS AWAY.
DAI:
(O.S) Charming. This is a documentation of the paranormal going ons in this house since Anna arrived. There have been quite a few haven't there love?
ANNA LOOKS BACK AT THE CAMERA.
ANNA:
You tell me Dai.
DAI:
(O.S) Just the other day you were complaining someone had been through your dirty washing basket! And that you've found inhuman hairs on your Dove body soap.
ANNA:
I didn't say they were inhuman, I said they weren't mine. And seeing as I keep my soap in a locked drawer, I wondered how it got there.
DAI:
(O.S) Sounds paranormal to me! What you reckon Steve?
THE CAMERA ZOOMS OUT AND SHOWS STEVE STARING AT ANNAS BREASTS
DAI:
(O.S) Steve!
STEVE:
Huh? What?
DAI:
(O.S) I said about the pubes found in her soap. Must be from another dimension.
STEVE:
Oh aye. They were ginger and everything. That's why I lent you the cameras. So we can capture everything that goes on in that room.
ANNA:
What? Who's room? You're not putting a camera in my room Dai! No f**king way. I'd rather take my chances of being raped by a ghost than have you two watching me 24 7.
DAI:
(O.S) Nice that is! Me and Steve have only your best interests at heart. I'll set it up in the living room then. Ok?
ANNA:
Fine.
DAI:
(O.S) Good. Come on Steve.
STEVE HAS GONE BACK TO LOOKING AT ANNAS BREASTS.
STEVE:
Aye, I'll be there in a minute. I've, um, got to wash my mug first.
DAI:
(O.S) What mug? You didn't make me tea!
ANNA:
I'm off out. I'll leave you two love birds alone with your camera. Don't wait up.
ANNA WALKS OUT OF THE KITCHEN. DAI FOLLOWS HER WITH THE CAMERA TRAILING IT ON HER BACKSIDE. ONCE SHE HAS LEFT THE ROOM HE TURNS BACK TO STEVE WHO'S GRINNING AT HIM.
STEVE:
You jammy bastard!
DAI:
Nevermind that. Where's my pissing tea?
CUT TO:
