Museum

INT. BRITISH MUSEUM - DAY

EDWARD (TOUR GUIDE. 30's, BESPECTACLED AND STERN-LOOKING) WALKS IN TO THE GREECE: PARTHENON ROOM FOLLOWED BY A LARGE GROUP OF CHINESE TOURISTS.

EDWARD
...and in this room we have the statues and architecture that previously adorned the Parthenon of Greece.

A YOUNG CHINESE WOMAN HANDS EDWARD HER MULTIMEDIA GUIDE AND GESTURES IT ISN'T WORKING. EDWARD LOOKS AT IT.

EDWARD
You haven't turned it on.

THE GIRL LISTENS, THEN BOWS AND LAUGHS APPRECIATIVELY.

EDWARD
(SNEERING) Stupid cow. Now over here you will see a marble Metope depicting a fight between a human Lapith and Centaur.

THE TOUR GROUP START LAUGHING COVERING THEIR MOUTHS AND POINTING AT THE MIDRIFFS OF THE FIGURES.

EDWARD
Oh, for the love of God. Yes, yes, the representation of the male genitalia, come on now.

CHINESE MAN
But there is no penis!

EDWARD
(ROLLS EYES) Yes, a lot of the extremities of the sculptures and figurines have since been knocked off, shall we say, in transit. For instance over here we have...

EDWARD WALKS OVER TO A NEARBY STATUE. THE GROUP DO NOT FOLLOW INSTEAD THEY CONTINUE TO POINT AND LAUGH.

EDWARD
Come on, we need to move on!

THE TOUR GROUP IGNORE EDWARD. HE HUFFS AND DROPS HIS ARMS BY HIS SIDES.

EDWARD
Right!

CUT TO:

INT. LARGE MUSEUM ROOM - DAY

EDWARD WALKS IN TO THE ROOM AND ADDRESSES THE CHINESE TOURISTS WHO ALL STAND OPEN-MOUTHED.

EDWARD
In this room we house the artefacts that have become detached from the many sculptures and statues in the museum.

WE NOW SEE HUNDREDS OF WALL-MOUNTED STONE/MARBLE PENISES (RANGING FROM SMALL TO EXTRA JUICY). THERE ARE STUDENTS, IN THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM, DRAWING THE PENISES. EDWARD TAPS SOMEONE'S SKETCHPAD.

EDWARD
Very good likeness! Over here you will see the Greek penises and you can see why they have fallen off!

CHINESE MAN
(POINTS) Wha...he...

EDWARD TURNS AROUND. SOMEONE IS KISSING ONE OF THE PENISES.

EDWARD
Oh (LAUGHS) this practice is based on an old Greek superstition that you will be bestowed with great powers of fertility if you kiss the penis of ancient statues.

CHINESE MAN
But, that not kissing!

SOMEONE IS SEEN FELLATING ONE OF THE PENISES.

EDWARD
(CLAPS HANDS TOGETHER) Right, who wants to see the Chinese artefacts?

THE TOUR PARTY STANDS IN SHOCKED SILENCE. EDWARD LOOKS OVER AT ANOTHER TOUR GUIDE WHOSE TOUR GROUP ALSO STAND OPEN-MOUTHED. THEY SMILE AND GIVE EACH OTHER THE THUMBS UP.

END OF SKETCH

This wasn't a Newsjack submission, if you were wondering!

I don't really get it. I don't think it's my humour. Sorry.

Dan

I didn't understand it either. Specifically how the two set-ups relate to one another.

Obviously needs changing! Thanks, fellas.

Sorry Adam, didn't get it either.

Cheers, Will. I think the original idea has got lost in translation. It was just meant to build up to a silly visual of a room in the British museum that houses all of the bits and bobs that have been knocked off the statues/sculptures. The tour guides take tour groups there that seem more interested in the genitals of the sculptures/statues than the history.