The Sketch Competition: DEATH

THIS HAS BECOME A VOTING THREAD. READ AND CHOOSE YOUR FAVOURITES AND THEN CAST YOUR VOTE BY POST THE NAME HERE.

I'm doing it a day early because I might not have time tomorrow.

It was Charley's suggestion this week, so blame her. And some of you can just paste your 4Laughs entry, if you're lazy.

This weeks winner: Leevil!

THIS WEEKS LEADER BOARD:

1. 07 - Leevil
2. 01 - ajp29
2. 01 - charley rance
3. 00 - Everyone else

CURRENT OVERALL LEADER BOARD:

Position - Points - Name
1. 09 - ShoePie
1. 09 - ajp29
2. 07 - Leevil
3. 05 - Swerytd
3. 05 - David Chapman
3. 05 - Charley Rance
4. 04 - Andy W
5. 02 - Imamazed
5. 02 - Slack Bladder
5. 02 - Paul Nash
6. 01 - Daddy Maz
7. 00 - Everyone Else!

This weeks topic is: DEATH

COMPETITION CLOSES: MONDAY 21st MAY

Anyone can enter. One entry per person. You can edit or change your entry but you have until closing date to do so. Good luck! And may He-man and all his mighty powers be with you, amen.

Can you submit a whole sketch show?

https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/799

I think i'll give this topic a miss. Good luck everyone

Alright, I'll just paste my 4laughs entry that I posted here on Friday:
(https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/1795)

The Metaphysics of Pete Doherty
===============================

EXT: A PAVEMENT. DAY

CAPTION APPEARS: ‘THE METAPHYSICS OF PETE DOHERTY’.

WE SEE PETE DOHERTY WALKING ERRATICALLY AND ALL OVER THE PLACE. DEATH IS SWIFTLY MOVING ALL AROUND HIM WILDLY SWINGING HIS SCYTHE AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN LIKE A SAMURAI WARRIOR AND MISSING EVERY SINGLE TIME. HE STOPS AND LEANS ON HIS SCYTHE OUT OF BREATH. PETE KEEPS WOBBLING ALL OVER THE PLACE.

DEATH
(CATCHING BREATH AND INCREDULOUS) Why can't I hit him? *Why* can't I hit him? You'd have thought *once* in fifteen years...

HE RUNS TO CATCH UP AND BEGINS SWINGING WILDLY AGAIN AND KEEPS MISSING. LIFE IS SAT ATOP A BUS SHELTER WATCHING THE CHARADE.

LIFE
(SHOUTS) I told you you wouldn't be able to get him!

DEATH
(SHOUTS) You don't get your tenner until he's thirty! I'll get him before then!

DEATH CONTINUES HIS PURSUIT OF PETE, AS LIFE LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY IN THE BACKGROUND.

END

Cheers

Dan

A LITTLE DEAF DEATH

INT. DOCTOR'S SURGERY. DAY

A TINY DEATH ENTERS A DOCTOR'S ROOM

DOCTOR
So what can I do for you today?

TINY DEATH
(SQUEAKY VOICE) What? [TAKES OUT AN EAR TRUMPET]

DOCTOR
(INTO EAR TRUMPET) I said what can I do for you today?

TINY DEATH
Ah yes, well you see, I think I'm a little deaf.

DOCTOR
Think you are? You're tiny! Sorry. Size isn't everything eh! So is it affecting your work?

TINY DEATH, WHO DIDN'T HEAR, PICKS UP HIS EAR TRUMPET ONCE MORE

DOCTOR
(INTO EAR TRUMPET) So is it affecting your work?

TINY DEATH
Yeah. [BECOMING VISIBLY UPSET] People don't seem to take me that seriously. I'm just a little deaf, so what! It shouldn't matter should it? I'm transporting their souls to hell, and all they seem to do, is, well chuckle.

DOCTOR
[CHUCKLES] Sorry. Don't take this the wrong way but you're just not very frightening are you? I mean, I'm literally not very scared at the moment.

TINY DEATH
[EAR TRUMPET TO EAR] What?

DOCTOR
(INTO EAR TRUMPET) Look, I think I can help you. [SCRIBBLES AN ADDRESS ON A PIECE OF PAPER] Go and see my mate. Here's his address. I'll give him a call, tell him to expect you. And come back and see me in a week. OK? [TINY DEATH EXITS]

A WEEK LATER. DOCTOR WALKS OUT OF HIS ROOM TO BE CONFRONTED BY A TALL, MENACING AND TERRIFYING LOOKING TINY DEATH

DOCTOR
Jesus! [FLEES IN TERROR]

TINY DEATH HITCHES UP HIS CLOAK TO REVEAL SOME STILTS

TINY DEATH
(SHOUTING AFTER DOCTOR) It's no good Doctor, I still can't hear a bloody thing with these stilts! Bah!

END

This seems like a reincarnation site.

I'll put my entry in later.

Not entered one of these monkeys yet... I have now.

Your Names Not down…

Outside the pearly gates ST PETER is stood laughing with a couple of fit angel birds. He’s holding a clip board. MORRIS approaches him. ST PETER pats one of the angels on the arse and they go through the gates.

ST PETER :- Alright mate whats your name?

MORRIS :- Morris Harewood

ST PETER :- Harewood, Harewood, Harewood, (Starts looking down a clip board and sucking through his teeth) Harewood. Hmmmmm Nope. Nothing for a Harewood.

MORRIS :- There must be some mistake, can I… (Trys to look at the clip board but St Peter pulls the clip board away).

ST PETER :- Your not on the list mate. You must have been a bad person or something.

MORRIS :- I’ve never done anything wrong in my life

ST PETER :- Non believer?

MORRIS :- No (BEAT) Well (ST PETER raises an eyebrow) Well, I wasn’t a non believer as such. More agnostic. (ST PETER chuckles) What?

ST PETER :- Well…

MORRIS :- What?

STPETER :- Fence Sitter.

MORRIS :- Look, There must be something you can do.

ST PETER :- (Shaking head) My hands are tied.

MORRIS :- Your not going to send me to hell are you?

ST PETER :- Hell? No. (Starts laughing, MORRIS eventually joins in. ST PETER stops abruptly) No you’ll be sent into eternal nothingness.

MORRIS :- Oh god no, not…

ST PETER :- Oh yes…

MORRIS :- Oh please, not…

ST PETER :- I’m afraid so…

MORRIS :- Have mercy, not… Limbo!

ST PETER :- Worse… Milton Keynes!

MORRIS :- Nnnnooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

The End

Ginger

LOL. I think that's really good mate.

Cheers fella

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT - 01:00AM

BOB SLEEPS ALONE IN HIS BED.

HE'S AWOKEN BY A STRANGE NOISE, THE SOUNDS OF MONKS CHANTING. SMOKE FILLS THE ROOM AS A DARK SHADOW CREEPS OVER HIS BED.

A FLASH OF DARKNESS AND THEN THE SHADOWS CASTER APPEARS.

NOW THERE IS SILENCE AS DEATH HIMSELF LOOMS OVER BOB.

BOB IS FROZEN AS HE STARES INTO THE DARKNESS OF DEATHS FACE.

BOB
(Terrified)
A..a...a..are y..you who I think you a..are?

DEATH
Yes.

BOB
(Relieved)
Wow, Gandalf, cool.

DEATH
No, I am not Gandalf, I am The Harvester of Souls, The Extinguisher of Life.

BOB
Simon Cowell?

DEATH
No I am not Simon Cowell either. (Dramatic) I am Grim Reaper. I am death. Robert Bob, your time has come.

BOB
(Desperate)
B.. But I.. I don't want to die. Th..there's so much I haven't experienced. I..I haven't fathered a child, I haven't even made love to a woman, I haven't experienced love. (Crying) I haven't paid the phone bill.

DEATH
Robert Bob. You're time has come.

BOB
(Begging)
P..Please, please just one last request, please.

DEATH
Very well.

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT - 01:20AM

BOB SITS AT HIS DESK ON THE PHONE. WHILST DEATH SITS ON THE BED.

BOB
Yeah Mr. Robert Bob, Visa, yeah,

DEATH KEEPS LOOKING AT HIS WATCH.

BOB (CONTINUED)
6789, o.k, yeah, o.k, thank you, bye. (Bob turns to Death) Right that's that sorted. Are you ready?

DEATH
Yeah.

THE BOTH STAND UP AND WALKS INTO A BRIGHT LIGHT.

DEATH (CONTINUED)
I didn't expect them to be open at this time.

BOB
Yeah, weird that.

DEATH
My current provider is a pain in the neck. It's worse then death trying to get through to them.

THEY BOTH LAUGH.

BOB
You must get that joke all the time, being death?

DEATH
You what?

THEY BOTH LAUGH AGAIN. THEN DISAPPEAR INTO THE LIGHT.

END.

SCENE. INT. CLUB. EVENING.

A stand up is on stage finishing a joke.

STANDUP:
And I said that's not my gran.... that's a chimp!

(the crowd are silent)

(A man collapses on the floor a massive crowd of people cirlce him)

WOMEN:
Oh my god he's dying!

STANDUP:
He's not the only one.

END

hahahahahahahahaha milton keynes, I actually laughed out loud.

Well, the subject this time being 'death' led me to this piece I wrote around 1968! I still am a bit of a fan of Tom Lehrer! I would´ve done something fresh if it wasn't for having to re-roof a bit of my house this week in 30C plus heat. Anyway, the following can be delivered as a monologue or sung (in which case its in A minor!)

DEATH BY MISADVENTURE

This is the story as told by me Dad
‘Bout how many husbands me Mother has had
But as they’re all dead (an’ me mother’s gone too)
I think I can tell this story to you

The first was a farmer his dealins’ was sheep
They found him one mornin’ collapsed in a heap
A shotgun beside him and cartridges spent
An’ a hole in his back where the pepper shot went

Next was a Smithy all muscle an’ bone
A powerful fella who weighed thirty stone
He fell on a plough he was aimin’ to fix
An’ the whole thirty stone was divided by six

A chemist was next on me mother’s long list
An’ his fate to be sure had a different twist
He blew himself up (or at least so they say)
Into pieces so small they was all blown away

A preacher, a Butcher, a Clerk of the Court
None met his end in the way that he ought
The detail’s too morbid to put in this text
So we’ll say not a word and pass on to the next

A baker’s profession is thought to be steady
Put dough in the oven take out when its ready
But who would’ve thought that the baker would go
Put his head in the oven instead of the dough

Me mother next wed a Collector of Tax
Whos end it would seem had to do with an axe
They found all the pieces out there on the farm
Except for one earlobe, four toes and an arm

Me father of course was the last of the line
Me mother (God bless ‘er) passed on just in time
He changed over the glasses an’ what looked like gin
Turned out to be arsenic she’d poured out for him

This story has morals you’ll no doubt agree
And if you should heed them you won’t marry me
The lengths we will go to look after our kin
Are mainly directed at doing them in

INT. DOCTORS OFFICE - DAY

MR. PETERS, a man in his mid-thirties, sits opposite a
hospital CONSULTANT dressed in a white coat.

The Consultant looks at some notes in front of him.

CONSULTANT
Well, Mr. Peters, I'm afraid I
have some very bad news. The
results have come back, and
they're positive.

Mr Peters puts his head in his hands, and starts weeping.

He pulls himself together, and sits up, wiping his eyes
with the back of his hand.

MR. PETERS
How long have I got?

CONSULTANT
Twenty... maybe thirty?

MR. PETERS
(brightens up)
Twenty years? I can cope with
that... at least I'll make it to
middle age, and I...

He trails off, as he notices the Consultant gravely shaking
his head.

CONSULTANT
I meant twenty or thirty minutes.

MR. PETERS
Minutes? I won't even have a
chance to say goodbye to my
family.

Mr. Peters scrapes his chair as he stand up, his face set
with determination.

MR. PETERS
Well, if I'm gonna go, I may as
well do it with style.

He races to the open window, and throws himself out.

MR. PETERS (O.S.)
Aaaargh!

The Consultant continues to sit, deadpan.

The door opens and a NURSE enters.

NURSE
Ah, there you are Henry...

She takes him by the hand and starts leading him out of the
room.

NURSE
... I told you not to wander
off... and where did you get that
coat from? Come along, let's get
you back to your ward.

FADE OUT.

Okay here's my entry. Hope you enjoy it.

Michael

What's up Doc?

Doctor enters ward, strides to patient's bed, looks at his file.

DOC I'm afraid I have some bad news Sir. You're gonna pop your cork.

PATIENT Is there nothing you can...?

DOC No f**k all. Bye. (gets up)

PATIENT But Doctor - is there no hope?

DOC No you're f**ked. Sorry and all that but life goes on.

PATIENT I feel you're being rather insens...

DOC No it's the truth. Best wishes for the future, only of course...

PATIENT Please!

DOC Look I'm a very busy man. I got a private patient in the next ward.

PATIENT Can I contact my family?

DOC If you like. But what the f**k can they do?

PATIENT Let me talk to your superior.

DOC If you like. But what the f**k can...?

Superior enters, sees them, shakes his head.

SUPERIOR Dr Thatcher I've told you about this. You mustn't tease patients, we're a respectable hospital.

DOC Yes Sir. Sorry Sir. (leaves)

SUPERIOR Sorry about that Sir... (looks at file) You're gonna pop your cork.

Bumping this before I close it tomorrow, even though it is Monday as I type is not real Monday, is it?

CLOSED!!!!