NJ: Police cost cutting

THIS VERSION USED BY RADIO REJECTS - ADDED 5/12/10

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V/OThe boys in blue do a fantastic job in making this a safe country (beat) to be mugged and assaulted in. The public have been warned to expect a reduction in police services following Home Secretary Theresa May's instructions for forces to make massive reductions across the board .

FXKNOCK ON DOOR

INSPECTOR
Come in Sgt Brookes, sit down

FX CHAIR SCRAPE

SGT
Thank you sir.

INSPECTOR
(HESITANT) I know we have to tighten our belts but I couldn't help thinking that you're taking instructions on cuts a bit too far.

SGT
I'm not sure I know what you mean sir.

INSPECTOR
You're not wearing any trousers Sergeant.

SGT(PROUD)
A 50% saving on uniform and cleaning costs sir

INSPECTOR
And the stripes on your arm are drawn on in felt pen.

SGT
Sorry about that sir, I don't know what came over me (beat) I'll use chalk tomorrow.

INSPECTOR
You're missing the point Sergeant. I heard you instructing PC Mullins to leave his car at the station today and patrol on foot.

SGT
That's right sir. The double bonus of fuel efficiency and getting a Bobby out on the beat.

INSPECTOR
(DELIBERATE) PC MULLINS is a Traffic Officer (beat). His beat is the M25. To make matters worse you told him to go round it twice.

SGT
We were told to be imaginative sir.

INSPECTOR
Did you speak with a Mrs Jackson this morning?

SGT
I did Sir. She wanted to report that every morning her next door neighbour stuck 2 fingers up to her. This has been going on for 4 years and she was on the brink of suicide.

INSPECTOR
Did you tell her that working with partner agencies we would devise an anti-social behaviour strategy including a multi-risk management meeting designed to bring about restorative justice

SGT
(HESITANT) Not quite sir.

INSPECTOR
(GETTING ANGRY) No you did not. You suggested that she held up a fist to him and shouted 'rock beats scissors'

SGT
Hundreds of Police and agency staff hours have been saved sir.

INSPECTOR
(IRATE) She's currently sat on top of the bridge near the high street threatening to jump. It's costing us thousands.

SERGEANT
(UNDETERRED) My other cost cutting idea will offset that. I've got rid of Alice from the front desk and replaced her with a community volunteer

INSPECTOR
But that will take weeks for them to clear through our vetting process.

SGT
Not anymore sir (beat) I've closed the vetting unit down, and replaced it with a simpler system, just as accurate but for a fraction of the cost.

INSPECTOR
(CALMING DOWN) At last we're getting somewhere. Can I see it

FXSOUND OF COIN BEING TOSED AND SLAPPED ON TABLE

SGT
Heads or tails sir?

V/OIt's worth remembering that the 'policeman is your friend'. Except he probably isn't a policeman, he's a community support officer (beat) with a squint (beat) called Kevin.

Original version

Another one bites the dust...I would probably rewrite the ending on this having looked at it again.

MiLES
The boys in blue do a fantastic job in making this a safe country (beat) to be mugged and assaulted in. The public have been warned to expect a reduction in police services following Home Secretary Theresa May's instructions for forces to make massive reductions across the board .

FXKNOCK ON DOOR

INSPECTOR
Come in Sgt Brookes, sit down

FX CHAIR SCRAPE

SGT
Thank you sir.

INSPECTOR
(HESITANT) I know we have to tighten our belts but I couldn't help thinking that you're taking instructions on cuts a bit too far.

SGT
I'm not sure I know what you mean sir.

INSPECTOR
You're not wearing any trousers Sergeant.

SGT
(PROUD) A 50% saving on uniform and cleaning costs sir

INSPECTOR
And the stripes on your arm are drawn on in felt pen.

SGT
Sorry about that sir, I don't know what came over me (beat) I'll use pencil tomorrow.

INSPECTOR
You're missing the point Sergeant. I heard you instructing PC Mullins to leave his car at the station today and patrol on foot.

SGT
That's right sir. The double bonus of fuel efficiency and getting a Bobby out on the beat.

INSPECTOR
(DELIBERATE) PC MULLINS is a Traffic Officer. His beat is the M25. To make matters worse you told him to go round it twice.

SGT
We were told to be imaginative sir.

INSPECTOR
Did you speak with a Mrs Jackson this morning?

SGT
I did Sir. She wanted to report that every morning her next door neighbour stuck 2 fingers up to her. This has been going on for 4 years and she was on the brink of suicide.

INSPECTOR
Did you tell her that working with partner agencies we would devise an anti-social behaviour strategy involving a multi-risk management team meeting designed to bring about restorative justice

SGT
Not quite sir.

INSPECTOR
(GETTING ANGRY) No you didn't. You suggested that she held up a fist to him and shouted 'rock beats scissors'

SGT
Several officer and agency staff hours have been saved sir.

INSPECTOR
She's currently sat on top of the bridge on the high street threatening to jump. We've had to use off duty staff to divert traffic away from the football stadium. The cost is going to run into thousands

SERGEANT
That's OK sir. Some of my other cost cutting ideas will offset that. I've got rid of Alice from the front desk

INSPECTOR
Good Grief , But she's been here for years. What about the public coming to the counter.

SGT
I have a community volunteer lined up sir.

INSPECTOR
But that will take weeks for them to clear through our vetting process.

SGT
Not anymore sir (beat) I've closed the vetting unit down and replaced it with COIN.

INSPECTOR
At last we're getting somewhere. Is that an acronym for the latest automated vetting system.

SGT
No Sir, it's this here

FX
SOUND OF COIN BEING TOSED AND SLAPPED ON TABLE

SGT
Heads or tails sir? Just as accurate as the vetting unit used to be at a fraction of the cost.

MILES
It's worth remembering that the 'policeman is your friend'. Except he probably isn't a policeman, he's a community support officer, called Kevin.

Nice start, but it's too long winded in the middle. Your Miles lines were very good.

I agree, nice start, had me smiling at the M25 gag but kind of lost me after that.

Contrary to RJ's opinion, I think you're missing one more Miles line, a punchline to the scene-setting.

It's way too long and a bit meandering (which I understand completely, with time pressure and what have you). The sergeant is a bit unchanging in his attitude so it falls a bit flat -- he needs to react a little bit in some way or another but he comes across as just this monotone joke machine. Try to make him think or consider stuff in some way each time.

I liked the 'rock beats scissors' bit very much, but it felt like it took *ages* to get there.

Oh, and I didn't buy the 'stripes drawn on in pen' bit. Tipp-ex would have been more believable, but that ruins your pencil joke (unless you think of an cheap, white alternative to Tipp-Ex -- but we might be infringing on the 'hospital porn' story now...)

Dan

Thanks for the comments guys. It is too long and I need to learn to not be precious about lines (they're all my children and I want to keep them - even the bad ones!). Dan was right about needing more in the Miles intro. I knew that when I wrote it and kept going back to add another funny but the funny pixies had run out of funny dust.

I can see your point Dan about the way the sergeant reacts. The rock/scissors gag does take a while to get to but the joke is the difference between the gold standard the public expect and what they could get with massive cuts so I thought the setup was needed.

All very useful feedback, thanks again

Funny sketch.
Don't think I saw this at the time.
Some great ideas & funny lines, satirical & nicely writen.

Cheers Steve. I liked it at the time but it did need trimming.

Nice lines in there man. Chugs along a bit in the middle. I'd be careful with "on in felt pen." The prepositions together make it a bit clunky, but I'm just feeling like a pedant after teaching grammar today. Nice tho'

Very nice the trouser line is an ace bit of radio comedy.

But the rock scissors line is my favourite