Voodoo Doll

A quick, little sketch.
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INT. BAR - NIGHT

JIM
So the wife says to me. "You going down that pub again?" and I said "Is that a rhetorical question?"

LONG PAUSE

ANDY
Aye, and what did she say?

JIM
Nothing, she never answered me. Anyway, you know how she's doing all this Voodoo malarky.

ANDY
She still doing that crap?

JIM
Aye. So, she told me if I'm no back for eight, she's going to cast some spell. Something about sticking pins in a doll.

ANDY
A doll? Christ Jim, she's away way the fairies.

JIM
Time, is it anyway?

ANDY
Five past eight.

THEY BOTH LAUGH.

ANDY
That doll will be getting some pounding.

JIM
Your telling me.

JIM STARTS TO WALK AWAY

ANDY
Ahh. You hitting the road yan auld codger? She got you under her spell?

JIM
Naw ya daft bastard am away for a slash.

CUT TO : JIM IN TOILET. HE PEES AND IT SQUIRTS OUT FROM THOUSANDS OF HOLES IN HIS BODY

END

Very funny. Excellent finish to that. Loved it

Cracking little sketch. I would like to see the wifey banging nails in a doll too.

Top notch

I like the visual punchline very much, Craig. However, I can't help but think you either need to shorten the setup or add another joke or two along the way.

If you started here:

JIM
Aye. So, she told me if I'm no back for eight, she's going to cast some spell. Something about sticking pins in a doll.

I think it would work just as well and trim away some unnecessary dialogue.

Maybe the wifey could be seen sewing the doll & when he goes for a pee he cant. His little fella can get bigger & bigger then BOOOOOOOOOM. It blows up. That would teach the fooker to be home on time. *Makes mental note for the old man on the next lads night out*

Thanks all!

I think there is quite alot I could do with it. I do like my visuals and was considering showing the "wifey" Charley - I might just do an edit and fling it up and see what people think. I think there might be room for amending the ending too, perhaps making it a little longer.

Ben's right -- there's too much unnecessary stuff and it's funny enough as is.

There's a potential series in this one, especially with a bitter wife! More please!

Dan

Yeah.
Lose the rather existentioal joke at the front end.
Good sight gag.

Thanks Dan, Lazzard. Feedback appreciated. I'll cut the uneccessaries and put up re-edit.

I've also half wrote another one which I'll put up shortly.

I liked it Craig
It's a nice pay off.

I liked it too. I wouldn't add though, only trim.

Not sure it you meant this as part of an accent maybe...

ANDY
A doll? Christ Jim, she's away way the fairies.

Should it be with?

I think it's the Scottish accent, wee Nil.