NJ: Government Cellar

Let me have it.

MILES:
The current government has already spent more than £17,000 topping up its wine cellar. To see if it was money well spent I went for a guided tour.

FX:TURNING OF KEY IN LOCK. DOOR CREAKING. FOOT STEPS ON HARD FLOOR.

CELLAR KEEPER:
To your right you'll see the largest quantity of one wine the government has bought to date. We refer to it as the 'Cabinet Sauvignon' (HUSHLY) because it's what the MP's are getting drunk on.

MILES:
Good to know someone is enjoying our money.

CELLAR KEEPER:
Oh yes, they have a jolly good time. Just over here we have the fiscal policy Grigio, it's said to be difficult to swallow at first but becomes more palatable over time. Just next to that we have a selection of wines donated to the cellar by foreign ministers.

MILES:
Who is the miniature bottle of Shiraz from?

CELLAR KEEPER:
That is from the French PM; apparently it has a big nose but very little body.

MILES:
But what about the wine?

CELLAR KEEPER:
Over in this corner we keep the youngest wines.

MILES:
I see there's one marked 'Nick Clegg'.

CELLAR KEEPER:
Oh yes, that's a young white; I'm told it was made with sour grapes.

MILES:
There's a tag on it; what does it say?

CELLAR KEEPER:
'From Your Boss, Mr Cameron'. Hmm, haven't seen that before. Anyway, to your left you will see our champagne and vintage wines.

MILES:
Why is there one bottle on its own?

CELLAR KEEPER:
That, is the Thatcher Cava we keep it in the coldest part of the cellar away from the other bottles.

MILES:
Let me guess, it would tell the other bottles what to do and steal their corks?

CELLAR KEEPER:
No, all of the other bottles have to be rotated to avoid sediment build up but the Thatcher Cava is not for turning. Right, I think that covers everything. Now do you have any questions?

MILES:
Uhm, yes, I do have one little question.

CELLAR KEEPER:
As I say to our wine taster's, "spit it out".

MILES:
Ok. Do you, as a taxpayer, think spending thousands of pounds on wine and champagne is money well spent?

CELLAR KEEPER:
Oh, of course! (HICCUPS LOUDLY) I'm never sober.

END OF SKETCH

I loved it!

The 'big nosed Shiraz', 'sour grapes' and 'not for turning' were brilliant!

The punch is a little bit of a let down, I can't think of a better one....

Yes, needs a stronger punch. The fact it's a waste of money should be implicit in the sketch.

The one-liners are very funny and well-written, but nothing actually 'happens' in the sketch, it's just a bit of banter. I think there needs to be more of a point to it and a bit of action. Can't it build up Miles fall over a massive batch of 'Nick Clegg' (or whichever you think is the biggest gag)? Or maybe Miles is being taken somewhere else and they have to go through the wine cellar to get there?

I reckon you also need a gag for Miles at the beginning. In general, if they like a story, but don't want to use your sketch, they can always take the gag to put in front of a different sketch. Nothing to lose with this method and it's an 'extra' chance of a credit.

Hope this is useful

Dan

Thanks, peeps. Not enough glue to stick the gags together.

I enjoyed it but can see where Dan is coming from. It matched or bettered much of last night's show.