Newsjack failure. Bit of a last minute panic job after discounting all the obvious stuff (which all came up). Almost didn't send it as I thought it too corny (then I listened to the Jimmy Saville gag!)
MILES
The Queen's Birthday Honors were announced last week. I had been offered a knighthood from a slightly familiar tipsy redhead at a London Hotel. Next time I see her I must ask if she knows any nice Nigerian chaps who want to use my bank account. Our very own darling bud of Swansea, Catherine Zeta Jones was awarded a C.B.E. I suppose she'll put it by the fire with her O.A.P. I can't help thinking someone missed out again this year.
FXPHONE RINGING THEN ANSWERED
DESK SGT.
Westminster Police, Missing and Lost Department
BRUCIE
Alright my love, nice to talk to you, to talk to you.....
DESK SGT
(Not impressed) We're very busy sir, Are you reporting someone missing.
BRUCIE
Yes (beat) my honor in her Majesty's Birthday list.
DESK SGT
An OBE was it sir?
BRUCIE
(Manic) No. Higher. Higher than an OBE, higher you say.
DESK SGT
An order of the garter sir?
BRUCIE
No. Lower than a garter, lower, Lower. (Calming down) It's a Knighthood.
DESK SGT
A knighthood sir? Let's have a look.
FXSOUND OF KEYBOARD TYPING
DESK SGT
Very popular these Knighthoods Sir. There's lots of them on here, how long has it been missing?
BRUCIE
About 40 years
DESK SGT
Here's one.....Oh, no some chap called Hoy claimed that last year when he collected a found bike. What was yours actually for sir?
BRUCIE
For services for being Brucie.
FXBRUCIE TAP DANCING
DESK SGT
(Unimpressed) Right lets have another look.
FX RYTHMIC KEYBOARD TYPING
FXBRUCIE TAP DANCING THE SAME
FXFURTHER RYTHMIC TYPING
FXBRUCIE TAP DANCING THE SAME (same sequence repeated at will)
DESK SGT
(ANOYED) Right, I'll put you in the book in case it turns up. Right here under a Mr. G. Brown.
ENDS
