Thank you Steve (if that's your real name).
EDIT Bloody top of page posts!
Newsjack Series 3 Quickie Failures Page 8
Quote: Badge @ July 10 2010, 10:25 PM BSTThank you Steve (if that's your real name).
It is. I'm afraid I'm always a bit dull when it comes to online nicknames and just go with my real name.
Quote: StephenM @ July 10 2010, 4:34 AM BSTIshy, I really liked this one. For me there's something about it that's funnier if it's said with the right voice in my head than just reading it.
That's probably completley rubbish feedback for writing for a radio show. But still I liked it!
Stephen, normally voices in peoples heads are never a good thing, but seeing as you've said something nice about a joke wot I wrote, thanks very much 
cheers
Ishy
Quote: Badge @ July 10 2010, 10:25 PM BSTThank you Steve (if that's your real name).
EDIT Bloody top of page posts!
I just realised this wasn't for me but for another Steve. Apologies for taking credit for someone else's work.
I blame those voices in my head.
Don't worry Steve (if that's your real name).
Well It is actually.
But you can call me Fred.
Sorry are you still talking to me?
My early weeks failures, went to the show so know I didn't get anything on :'(
MAN - I can't believe deep-sea squids penis' are as long as their entire bodies! Well you would need eight arms wouldn't yah.
COMPUTER GEEK - I'm so happy World of Warcraft let me keep my original name, nobody would fancy a night elf called Jeff.
WOMEN - Did you see that guy who tweeted about his droopy face? It looked like he'd been hit by a Facebook - I mean a book in the face.
STUDENT - The panic button is a great idea, nobody wants their parents on Facebook.
MAN - Did you hear that choir singing notes comprised from DNA coding, absolute genius, get it - Gene-ius, no?
MAN - Wow a plane that doesn't require a pilot, Ryanair are full of money saving ideas.
WOMEN - I can't wait to watch that new reality TV show, Imam celebrity, get me out of here!
MAN - I've had it with the competition between Microsoft and Apple its about time they wiped the tablet - I mean slate clean.
CORRECTION:
Newsjack would like to apologise for incorrectly reporting a solar eclipse just off of the south pacific, the darkness was in fact caused by queues of fatties waiting to sign up for Weight Watchers.
Get the all new Tazer by Raoul Moat. Guaranteed to make you pull.
Oh, go on then...
Dan
VOX-POP:
So, 20 million British viewers watched the World Cup final, did they? I bet none of them watched it the way I did - on ITV.
VOX-POP:
I hear thousands of pounds and man-hours were spent trying to get him to speak like a human. But, however much Bubbles was willing to pay, they couldn't sort out Michael Jackson's voice.
VOX-POP:
I heard a policeman offered Raoul Moat a ride in his police car. He shouted 'Shotgun!', so they tasered him.
VOX-POP:
Unions outraged that a primary school headteacher gets £200k? I agree it's ridiculous. I wouldn't deal with those reprobates for anything less than a million.
REMINISCENT:
In 1974, the Netherlands got to the World Cup Final playing Total Football. How ironic that in 2010 they got to the World Cup Final playing Partial Football.
VOX-POP:
So, Ofsted says we are needing bad teachers, now, eh? I hadded some relly bads teachers and it ain't never not doning me any hram!
VOX-POP:
You're telling me Tesco are selling a lasagne sandwich?! That's a disgrace, mixing two separate foodstuffs that way. Now, get lost and let me eat this pork pie curry fajita.
VOX-POP:
I see the Food Standards Agency having finally reached their best before date then. To be honest, they were beginning to smell.
POST-CREDITS:
That was an episode of Newsjack from mid-July 2010, weeks before: Spain and Holland's life-time ban for destroying international football in the World Cup Final; the release of Mel Gibson's unsuccessful big-screen remake of 'The Black & White Minstrel Show' and Miles Jupp finally got that talking monkey he'd spent billions genetically engineering. (BEAT) RIP the vuvuzela.
Failed again
Corrections
- Our lawyers have asked us to clear up some confusion over our story about disgraced Judge Gerald Price. We were of course referring to his resigning from the bench when we said he was no longer allowed to try young offenders.
Not Vox Pops:
- "You can try telling GCHQ to employ more ethnic minorities - but will they listen?"
- "Instead of being "terrified", David Cameron should look to the advantages of sending his children to a state school. You can't beat them."
- "My GP sent me to join a slimming club but I didn't get past the first weigh in - too narrow."
- "I got completely smashed on cheap lager and the wife threw me out of the house. All a bit Reckless, really"
- "Oh yes - his friends are Loobey Loo, Teddy, and, er, Missy Hissy, Bilbo, Tiffo and Orbie.... And I'm fairly sure the rest of his Cabinet he met after he left Eton."
- "I think it's nice that all those Kosovan children have been named 'Tonibler'. Are the ones called 'Slobodon' named after Jamie Oliver's wife?"
- "Yeah, my boy is also named after Tony Blair - he's called 'Rich'."
- Scots accent: "Yeah, my boy is also named after Tony Blair - he's called 'Rich Andy Kenny Kerr Les'." [NB Scots pronunciation of "Kerr" is "care"]
- "Why shouldn't women become bishops? They probably already own a dress."
- French accent: "It is true I have received lots of cash in brown envelopes from the heiress - but I am worth it."
Think my best gag of the week was from an intro to a failed sketch intro:
"We will miss the World Cup - and not in a good way, like George Michael missing pedestrians, but in a bad way like how the House of Commons tea room will miss John Prescott's custom or Mel Gibson misses the point."
This week's collection of critters...
VOX POPS
TOFF:
I am sick to death of these asylum seekers getting preferential treatment. If we can afford to pay £8000 a month for his rent then why should I have to pay my expenses back?
AMERICAN MAN:
When I was growing up my Dad always told me I had to get a trade. But I never thought I'd be back in Russia.
SMUG WOMAN:
Apparently I have the perfect life; a house worth £1.6 million, a hundred grand salary, and my Uncle Martin under the driveway.
FEMALE SERVANT:
I can not believe Sarah Ferguson sacked us all before going on holiday. It was horrible, but it beats travelling standard class.
TEENAGER:
I can't believe Lindsay Lohan got sentenced to ninety days. Still, that's only twelve Freaky Friday's isn't it?
YOUNG WOMAN:
Apparently Russell Brand had to shave for his latest role. I have to buy mine from Subway.
BANKER:
As an expert on the Foreign Exchanges, I can't believe I missed out on the trade in Russian spies.
BLOKE:
Yeah, that Russell Brand had to shave for his latest role. A bit fussy Katie Perry isn't she?
END
This weeks failures
Miles intro
Newsjack the first show to report that the news is pregnant, satire is the father and we supplied the condoms
Newsjack, spraying jokes around haphazardly despite the hosepipe ban.
Vox Pops
Middle aged lady - I saw that Michael Gove down the charity shop the other day. Had his hands full of lego and and Bob the Builder DVDs.
Young mum - My son and his friends have got posters of Michael Gove on their walls. They thinks he's going to demolish their school.
Stupid sounding man - English spelling too difficult, don't give me that. I before E except after C, I learned at school. Who doesn't know that? Weird foreigners?
Middle aged lady - This hosepipe ban is a nightmare. I run an old peoples home, and I've no idea how we're going to get them all clean this weekend.
Very elderly woman - Don't wear fur they say. Well I tried some of that body paint the anti-fur protesters wear. My husband took one look and went out and bought me a new iron.
Angry man - even sacks of spuds and lead balloons have been embarrassed watching this world cup.
Elderly gentleman - Raising a child costs £800 a month? In my day the only raising of a child would have been up a chimney. Never did me any harm. (beat) Well apart from the night terrors and the breakdown.
Middle aged doctor - I've come up with a marvelous way of helping my obese patients both lose weight and exercise. I just gather them all in my waiting room, sellotape a bag of chips to a dog and let them chase it around the car park.
Like my GCHQ sketch, most are probably too long! should you precede each one with the type of person who is speaking or will they find one that suits?
My failures...
Ever since the World Cup started I've been trying to complete my Panini album, the last one I needed was a Thomas Mueller so I contacted the German FA and left a message on their voicemail and asked if they wanted to "Swap Stickers" they never got back to me.
With the Netherlands reaching the World Cup final, the Dutch football association gave away pairs of inflatable orange footwear to show their support. However due to a production fault many of them had punctures. This caused mass panic when it was reported after the final that thousands of Dutch supporters had "popped their clogs".
So Howard Webb says refereeing the World Cup Final was the hardest 2 hours of his life? he's obviously never pulled Michelle McManus and tried to find her clitoris.
When Andreas Iniesta scored the winning goal for Spain, I thought they'd all run over to the corner flag and have a playground style "Paella-on"
I Heard Kylie Minogue was celebrating a 5th number one album, I hope this continues as if she has any more number two's there won't be anything left of her.
So the order of the top 2 films at the moment is Despicable - Twilight, isn't that just one film?
(OUTRAGED MAN) They're paying how much for a head teacher? Surely they could get an experienced prostitute to teach them that for much less!
(YOUNG WOMAN) What d'you call that horrible, slimy thing that's all arms and legs, likes to swallow mussels and thinks it could tell what was going to happen? Oh yeah, Peter Mandelson.
Quote: Big Jack @ July 15 2010, 7:12 PM BSTCorrections
- Our lawyers have asked us to clear up some confusion over our story about disgraced Judge Gerald Price. We were of course referring to his resigning from the bench when we said he was no longer allowed to try young offenders.Not Vox Pops:
- "You can try telling GCHQ to employ more ethnic minorities - but will they listen?"
- "Instead of being "terrified", David Cameron should look to the advantages of sending his children to a state school. You can't beat them."
- "Oh yes - his friends are Loobey Loo, Teddy, and, er, Missy Hissy, Bilbo, Tiffo and Orbie.... And I'm fairly sure the rest of his Cabinet he met after he left Eton."
- "Yeah, my boy is also named after Tony Blair - he's called 'Rich'."
I like all these ones - unlucky.
Quote: Sound of Spinach @ July 15 2010, 11:20 PM BSTShould you precede each one with the type of person who is speaking or will they find one that suits?
Only if you think it needs a certain type to make the gag work - e.g. Posh Bloke, Chavvy Teen,
Quote: Sound of Spinach @ July 15 2010, 11:20 PM BSTSo Howard Webb says refereeing the World Cup Final was the hardest 2 hours of his life? he's obviously never pulled Michelle McManus and tried to find her clitoris.
Good stuff - definitely the best of yours and I could see them using something like this (they are a bit ruder this series). It's snappier than most of your other ones, SoS.
My unused efforts this week:
Corrections
We'd like to apologise to online World of Warcraft gamers for calling them sad, geeky and socially inadequate. We shouldn't have used their real names.
We accidentally reported the Government wanted to cut costs with a "new senseless policy". That should have been "new census policy", though our mistake was probably made obvious when we said it only came round every ten years.
We'd like to clarify that our review referring to a shady and somewhat desperate character ending up in the sewer was about the film The Third Man, and not Lord Mandelson's memoirs of the same name.
Vox Pop
All this talk of the Queen becoming a great grandmother in December is so disrespectful. Prince William will tell you she's an awfully good grandmother already.
So what if that MP was too drunk to vote? It's just a shame his constituents weren't back in May.
Those MPs who've been sleeping in the Commons since losing their second home allowances - they're obviously angling for a seat in the Lords.
I can't believe botox has been cleared for use in migraines - that Anne Robinson's been giving me headaches for years.
I don't know why people are surprised that Howard Webb - a qualified policeman - gave so many yellow cards in the World Cup final. It's just another case of PC gone mad!
I'm all for GPs having more powers. I wish mine could make my urinary tract infection disappear... sorry, got to go!