Newsjack Series 3 Quickie Failures Page 6

Programme 3 rejects. Enjoy, if you can.

Rap star Method Man has pleaded guilty to tax-evasion charges, after understating his wealth on a tax return - he popped a cap on his assets

South African police in charge of security around the England football team dressing room have confirmed that they have made an arrest after discovering a man who should not have been there. I'll leave your to supply your own punchline for that one.

X-rays of Marilyn Monroe's chest have been sold at auction for £30,000. Boy would I like to jump those bones.

Quote: The Giggle-o @ July 3 2010, 5:30 PM BST

The aim with Newsjack's vox pops usually seems to be to make the imaginary public seem as ignorant and stupid as possible. Dunno, open to disagreement.

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I'm really glad someone else has noticed this. There does seem to be a 'Ho, Ho, Ho, aren't the general public thick/ banal/ badly educated compared to us?' strain running through their choice of vox pops, although this does seem to have got diluted as the series have gone on.

Nevertheless, it's not pleasant.

Well, why not write some specifically high-falutin' ones looking down on everyone? I'm sure they'd like them as well.

The things the public say tend to be funnier if they've obviously misunderstood something (in real-life) regardless of how intelligent/stupid they are, so it kind of mirrors that, doesn't it?

Obviously it takes it to the extreme as it's a comedy show but I don't think anybody would mistake them for real opinions, would they?

Mind you, some people seem to think that Jeremy Clarkson is really like that and not just a massive comedy caricature designed to make him as much money as possible...

Dan

Ok, so did you like the thick chav vox pops best?

Actually, no, sod it - we're getting a bit off topic, aren't we?

I respect your opinion and it has given me much food for thought.

Don't recall it, specifically.

I'm not saying it's right or wrong; just write some contrary to what you think they're doing. The couple I've had broadcast in the first couple of series certainly didn't portray people as 'a bit thick'. Mind you, nothing as yet in this series so perhaps you're right

Dan

Hi All,

You've posted some real belters on here, too many to list. Very surprised a few of these didn't make it on.

Here are my efforts from last week (first time posting rejected VPs!):-

So the Government have approved a domain specifically for pornography. Does that mean I won't have to photo-shop Theresa May any more? It was very time consuming.

I know he was famous like but I can't see how Michael Jackson's estate is now worth $1bn. Mine was only valued at 450 quid, and it's got traction control and rear electric windows.

So Cameron wants to tackle the trade deficit and get all troops out of Afghanistan in 5 years. He could sell RPGs to the Taliban. Double whammy.

Oh yah, I was one of the four arrested at Wimbledon. The Pimms wasn't chilled and I went absolutely bally mental.

Tell me where the logic is, the Government are cutting the number of skilled workers coming in to the country but they let the England football team back in! Couldn't we have done a swap?

I'll tell you how I feel about Offcom allowing product placement on British TV. I'm appalled! I'm affronted! I'm a PC.

Quote: Charmless Nerk @ July 7 2010, 4:28 PM BST

Hi All,

I know he was famous like but I can't see how Michael Jackson's estate is now worth $1bn. Mine was only valued at 450 quid, and it's got traction control and rear electric windows.

Tell me where the logic is, the Government are cutting the number of skilled workers coming in to the country but they let the England football team back in! Couldn't we have done a swap?

I'll tell you how I feel about Offcom allowing product placement on British TV. I'm appalled! I'm affronted! I'm a PC.

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Loved these three. The Taliban one was probably a bit close to the bone for radio and the football one, although good, probably suffered from an overkill of too many world cup gags. The pimms one was the weakest but would still have got a titter if performed well.

I haven't put any failures up yet, I'll have to delve into the vault and post some.

To come back to the subject of this bias for 'chavvy' voxpops, I got a voxpop on series one and it was a posh woman commenting on Esther Rantzen's Luton bid. Not a bit of it was sneering at the uneducated, in fact the dig was at Esther's expense.

Quote: Charmless Nerk @ July 7 2010, 4:28 PM BST

I'll tell you how I feel about Offcom allowing product placement on British TV. I'm appalled! I'm affronted! I'm a PC.

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Nice one. Unlucky.

thanks for the comments guys.

I agree the Wimbledon line was pretty weak, there's a much better joke in there somewhere but I couldn't find it.
I thought the PC line was my best chance yet of getting on but it wasn't what they were looking for I guess.

As far as "chavvy" voxpops go, I say a lot more stupid things than I do clever, so I guess I find it easier to write lines where someone is coming across as a bit thick.

Episode 4 fails:

"This week saw revelations that a big budget porn movie had been filmed in a London NHS hospital - presumably under an extension of some public privates initiative. Clearly this is a double whammy for citizens whose taxes pay not only for the hospital facilities but also for MPs' expenses when the video finally reaches the shelves of Blockbuster."

Vox pop

"It's obvious why John Terry didn't score at the World Cup - none of the other players' wives were there."

"No, I have never been drunk in front of my children - they're normally tanked up on alcopops before we've even got to the pub."

"I tried to use Google's new travel booking service - but my flight got redirected."

Corrections

Newsjack would like to clarify that when we reported that Cheryl Cole had become victim to a parasite that gave her nausea, a constant headache and made her flesh creep, we were referring to her contracting malaria and not to her decision to work with Simon Cowell.

Newsjack would like to apologise for any alarm caused to Middle Eastern listeners by our report on renewed violence around Jordan, which should instead have featured in Entertainment News.

Newsjack would like to apologise for Michael Gove. [submitted before his department's major cock up yesterday...]

Like your corrections, Big Jack. They're good.

My failures, again:

VOX-POP:
Hot sweats, high fever, foaming at the mouth. I'm livid that Cheryl Cole can't be bothered to take anti-malaria tablets!

GANGSTER:
I see most employers demand at least a 2:1 qualification now. Doesn't bother me, I've got a first class degree. In murder. (F/X: JAIL DOOR)

VOX POP:
I was on that Google Earth the other day and, you won't believe what I saw - A face... in the image... of... Richard Dawkins!

VOX-POP:
Old board games are making a comeback, aren't they? Ed Balls spent £2.5billion like he was playing 'Go For Broke'? Tory MP Caroline Nokes and an activist tried to reinvent 'Twister' and, for his entire tenure, John Prescott played 'Hungry Hippos'.

VOX-POP:
MI-5 is searching for 20 Russian spies in a week where James Bond has finally died. I think it's clear who's won the Cold War now!

VOX-POP:
Peter Andre has signed a £1million deal with ITV. I wonder how long that'll take him to count out. On his fingers.

FAIRGROUND:
Why doesn't George Michael just come here and crash into my other dodgems. He can be as stoned as he likes and I won't ban him!

CORRECTION:
Newsjack would like to apologise for our error last week. We did, of course, mean 'Big *budget' porn movie'. A big budgie would be a parrot.

POST-CREDITS:
That was an episode of Newsjack from July 2010, mere months before Noel Edmonds was eaten live on 'Deal Or No Deal' after a clerical error released some lions from Bristol Zoo instead of a prisoner from Bristol Prison. The unfortunate prisoner was knighted later that year for services to broadcasting.

and some in response to their last minute Tweet requests:

CORRECTION:
Newsjack would like to apologise to Lord Ashcroft for last week's error. He has, of course, given up his status as a 'non-dom' and not a 'condom'.

CORRECTION:
Newsjack would like to apologise to everyone for the mistake last week. Lord Ashcroft has, of course, given up his 'non-dom in tax status' to stay in Lords, not his 'non-dominatrix' status. Hopefully, everyone can breathe a sigh of relief now that's been cleared up.

CORRECTION:
Apologies to Takeru Kobayashi, who was imprisoned last week, as a direct result of Newsjack suggesting he ate the most dogs at a hot dog-eating contest. He, of course, only came second.

Dan

My failures this week

Vox Pops

Grumpy business man - It's a bit rich Shane Warne moaning about his recent BA journey. If anyone should complain it's the people on the flight with him who wouldn't have been able to sleep because of the glare coming off his teeth.

Cynical sounding teacher - I've just been told by my head I'm a failing teacher. What he fails to grasp is that I understand my subject perfectly. I just enjoy teaching the little brats the wrong things.

Angry sounding man - I'd like to introduce my wife to a proportional voting system. Then maybe I wouldn't have to sit through Midsomer Murders ever bloody night.

Corrections

Last week we reported that the country is on its knees with massive debts, no manufacturing base and an ill-educated underclass deserted by the political establishment, we forgot to add we're doomed, doomed.

Last week we reported that Nationwide were supporting the England side, we should have said Nationwide were supporting the England side like an ill fitting truss.

Newsjack would like to apologise to teenagers for misleading them when it directed people the European Space Agency's website to see pictures of the Big Bang afterglow.

Quote: Big Jack @ July 8 2010, 8:14 PM BST

Newsjack would like to clarify that when we reported that Cheryl Cole had become victim to a parasite that gave her nausea, a constant headache and made her flesh creep, we were referring to her contracting malaria and not to her decision to work with Simon Cowell.

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Cheryl Cole's been stung by a disease-spreading, blood-sucking nuisance? But I thought she'd left Ashley Cole? (They probably got a few like these then!)

Of course I know now when they were shouting 'Cole's down, Cole's down!' they meant Cheryl Cole had collapsed; but that won't get my money back after I put all my savings in to coal.

I heard, right, that Ronaldo had a baby with a surrogate and he's named it after his favourite Grange Hill character, Ro-land Ronaldo.

Apparently Ronaldo's little boy is meant to be just like him, 'cos he already likes to play with his balls. [SNIGGERS]

I'm glad a lot of schools aren't going to be rebuilt; they would only educate the next Oliver Twat or Artful Todger how to steal my purse.

I think it's disgusting! Schools need to be rebuilt so kids have got somewhere to learn, otherwise they'll all be out in the street being ninjas or delinquent Pokemons.

It was horrific, Jedward were doing the Ghostbuster's routine and one of them snapped his ligaments, he'll never be able to dance again (BEAT) Oh yeah, he couldn't before.

It was awful, Ed from Jedward was writhing all over the stage, crawling around and looked really bad, then the Ghostbuster's routine was nearly over and he tore his ligaments.

Lady Gaga's got more than10m friends on Facebook? That's nothing I've got more than 10m enemies on Facebook. [KISSES TEETH]

She wears giant headdresses, yellow swan skirts and Elton John's cast-offs and has more than 10 million friends? At my school she would have just got so bullied.

Employers aren't taking anyone without a 2:1? That's great I can't get a job because at uni I got a third degree...burn, from a flaming sambuca.

CORRECTION

Newsjack would like to apologise for stating in last week's show that there would be a hose pipe ban as the tears from millions of England fans have now refilled water supplies.

This was a failure:

"Newsjack would like to clarify that when we reported that Cheryl Cole had become victim to a parasite that gave her nausea, a constant headache and made her flesh creep, we were referring to her contracting malaria and not to her decision to work with Simon Cowell."

so presumably loads of people sent it in and the first one they read got the credit?

Quote: Big Jack @ July 9 2010, 12:11 AM BST

so presumably loads of people sent it in and the first one they read got the credit?

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So did a variation of the gag appear in the show?