Thanks Kev 
Newsjack Series 3 Quickie Failures Page 2
Quote: RobJ @ June 18 2010, 12:24 PM BSTProper made me laugh.
Ta.
England will be playing Algeria next. If you don't want to know the score...
...watch it on ITV HD.
Candidates for the Labour Leadership have been conducting newspaper interviews.
Ed Miliband told The Times he would end the stifling New Labour culture, David Miliband spoke toThe Telegraph about why he chose to adopt, while Diane Abbott promised The Sun she'll whip 'em out for the lads.
Gordon Brown has donated some of his personal belongings to a charity shop in Fife. Items include a World's Greatest PM mug... unused... a collection of red ties and a prosphetic smile.
Now we know how that strange grin was created.
I watched the England v USA match on ITV HD. I loved how Heskey passed the ball to Gerrard who then cut to an advert.
Not sure the last line added anything to the Gordon Brown one Mikey, but, other than that, all made me chuckle.
Yeah, that Brown one was a bit naff, but considerng they do broadcast some naff "how the hell did that get on" stuff amongst the good-uns, I figured I'd send it. 
Lovin' those ITV HD ones Mikey. Again, seeing a lot of goodies on here they could easily have chosen...
No I think it's a disgrace asking for a ban on the vuvuzelas and I dare say Hugo Chavez won't stand for it.
On this channel, on that channel, on satellite, in the bloody adverts until everyone surrenders all hope for a sophisticated cultured society, is there no escape from Adrian Chiles?
Newsjack would like to point out that we never said Gordon Brown had a vision for twenty ten, we said his vision was twenty ten.
Newsjack would like to make it clear Wayne Rooney did not complain about the pitch at Rustenberg being 'harder on the knuckles'.
We would like to apologise to BP and state that we accept that it is not a fair criticism to ask why, in the event of emergencies, their ships are not fitted with special red buttons for summoning Godzilla; or indeed Godzuki.
After Nick Clegg spent £90,000 expenses on a property he was asked did the prospect of owning a big house perhaps get him a little too excited? To which he replied 'No it was a modest semi'
The England players in South Africa have been warned about bands of marauding baboons. They've learnt how to open car doors and sneak in through apartment windows and the authorities are worried the baboons will copy their behaviour.
Loved the ones below. (Not quite sure how to quote properly)
I can see why the Hitler, Islamic terrorists ones didn't get one (although very funny) and I'm a bit worried that none of the production team know anything about sport. A lot of World Cup gold seems to be falling on stony ground unless it tackles the bleedin' obvious.
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I'm not going to buy this new I-phone. I'll wait for the smaller German version - the I-littler.
I think it's wrong that convicts are converting to Islam for an easier life. If they're not careful the prison population will explode.
MAN - What's up with these super slow motion world cup replays they look like Marks and Spencer's have started advertising injury claims.
The commentators were saying that the England team isn't "offensive enough"? With John Terry, Ashley Cole and Steven Gerrard I find them pretty offensive.
I think that Capello should've included Parker in the squad, in case a match goes to pens.
I'm struggling to complete our World Cup Panini album, has anyone got any stickers of Italian toasted sandwiches?
Newsjack would like to point out that we never said Gordon Brown had a vision for twenty ten, we said his vision was twenty ten.
Newsjack would like to make it clear Wayne Rooney did not complain about the pitch at Rustenberg being 'harder on the knuckles'.
And now I've said something nice about yours...
My whole family has come down with World Cup Fever. I should never have let them pet that World Cup Mascot.
I hear yet another Milliband brother wants to be leader of the Labour party. So that's David Milliband, Ed Milliband and now Glen Milliband.
People really should lay off BP and Tony Hayward. I mean what have they done? What have they done that's so wrong? (PAUSE, WHILE REMEMBERING) Oh, oh yeah. Fair enough then.
And my version of an old favourite with a slightly more obscure reference:
(SLIGHTLY SHOUTING) I've just come from the game and that noise is driving me crazy. That incessant droning going on and on. Trust me to get the seat next to Alan Green.
(Have now heard this on Mock the Week, Baddiel & Skinner and Look away Now. I'm taking this to mean that I really can do just as good as them)
Quote: StephenM @ June 19 2010, 12:13 PM BSTI hear yet another Milliband brother wants to be leader of the Labour party. So that's David Milliband, Ed Milliband and now Glen Milliband.
Great Stuff
I got a couple in last week, hopefully this week I'll be able to do more. Both could probably use rewording, but I thought I'd post them both up as submitted.
- I don't think BP will be able to recover from this, you know what they say, mud sticks. Well, unless you're attempting a junk shot, apparently.
- Despite our previous claim, Ipad is not the name of Kiera Knightley's forthcoming autobiography.
Soots: Loved the Flemish separatists one
Gerry: I-Itler was inspired, but suspect it's too edgy
CK: the M&S one was a good 'un
Tony: 'Tennis - Server' and 'Paninni - toasted sandwiches' made me LOL
I thought I'd give NewsJack a go, so here are my Vox-Pop offerings, which were poo-poo'd, or maybe they're just poo-poo? Where did I go wrong?
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How dare the BBC spend a million pounds on a Studio that will only be used for a month?
They could've got the same view for 18 years, simply by criticising the government.
Wayne Rooney has been enjoying the wildlife in South Africa.
Taking in Lions, Zebras and Crocodiles at the 'All You Can Eat' buffet.
When I knew I was coming to South Africa, I thought I should learn the local language, but South Africa has 11 of them!
So I took lessons in Zulu and Xhosa, and since arriving I've picked up a little Pygmy.
Witch doctors in South Africa have created a powerful Muti to help the England team. Once they track down those Unicorn Tears we're going all the way lads!
To avoid car high-jackings, England fans travelling to SA are advised not to stop at traffic lights. They are also reminded to slow down at zebra-crossings.
Guys just been reading these and I have to say seom great stuff, Mikey loved the ITV HD jokes, my fave.
Could you all let me know what you'd think to me pinning a "Topical one liner" thread? So you guys can have a ever forum topping thread to add stuff too and get feedback on?
Quote: Mikey Jackson @ June 18 2010, 4:57 PM BSTEngland will be playing Algeria next. If you don't want to know the score...
...watch it on ITV HD.
Lots of great stuff here, but this is probably the one that made me laugh most. Nice one, Mikey.
Mine below:
VOX-POP:
So, the Glasgow 2014 Commonwealth Games could see an increase in human trafficking and prostitution, could they? I'll be honest - I didn't even know they were some of the events.
VOX-POP:
The Police are being so gutless threatening people with prosecution if they take part in that planned water fight in Battersea Park. I'd just bring out the water cannons!
VOX-POP:
I see Michael Jackson's doctor is being allowed to continue practising. Good. If there's one thing he needs, it's practice.
VOX POP:
Now they've mapped his genetic code, all that risk-taking Ozzy Osbourne has done since biting the head off that rodent has becoming clear. Turns out he's Batman.
VOX-POP:
Scientists think there are five God particles? That's one in the eye for the Holy Trinity!
VOX-POP:
Legionnaire's Disease comes out of windscreen washer fluid? I always knew there was something odd about that blue stuff you buy from the garage. I should stop necking it at night though...
VOX-POP:
Only 545 people complained to the BBC about vuvuzela noise during the World Cup? I reckon it's more but most people just can't make themselves heard.
Dan
Do we have a commonly agreed time of the week yet when we can sigh, accept the inevitable and paste up our failures?
This wait is driving me nuts. Need some release!
There are some great one-liners here.
One can only assume that the vox pops and oneliners are chosen by a post room person on work experience, because, compared to the gags in this thread, the ones that make it to broadcast are... well... ahem.
Thanks for the kind words about my ITV HD gag.
Admittedly, I thought it would make it onto the show (delusional, yes, I know) and was VERY disappointed when it didn't. 
To be honest, Mikey, I'm not sure the ITV gag was logical enough. Sure, you might miss a goal with them, but not the score.