This long piece of prose is my first attempt at prose satire, about the possibilities that might happen in the PC-ridden, illogical future that the world is heading to. I'm not good at prose anyhow, and I hope it has more of that "bite" required for satire. This may be too long for some, but please, constructive criticism is always welcome.
December 1, 2022: FAA requires airplane passengers to remove teeth
In March 23, 2022, there was a close call of a terrorist bomb. The terrorist, Ziyad Dhia Abdulrazzq, was arrested for attempting to smuggle bomb-making materials into a Boeing 747 flight from JFK Airport, New York to Heathrow Airport, London. According to the Department of Homeland Security of the US government, Abdulrazzq hid 4 chemicals within 4 separate false teeth, that each could hold up to 0.7mL of each of the chemicals. Two of the chemicals, in an inner molar and a left incisor would form, a dangerous chemical called hydroxyl hydride (HOH). "Hydroxyl hydride, or HOH, is in fact related to hydrogen hydroxide and dihydrogen monoxide, both known by the US government to be potentially dangerous chemicals. Hydroxyl hydride is a widely industrial solvent, and it has known for decades that prolonged exposure to either liquid or solid hydroxyl hydride causes tissue damage or even asphyxiation. We find it amazing that this suicidal terrorist survived or even attempted to survive prolonged exposure of hydroxyl hydride," adding, "it could have killed him, you know."
Officials continued to say, "This terrorist had two plans in case either one failed - the hydroxyl hydride could have been used to melt a small hole in the airplane's infrastructure, enough to create a chain of reactions that could bring down an entire plane. The other two teeth could form an as-of-yet unknown nitroamericium-borolanthanum compound." The compound, either NAMBLA or NBC for short, is suspected as an explosive material used in grenades used by the US Army. "The NBC should never get into foreign hands," said the anonymous army general, "we're making procedures to make sure the NBC never goes loose again but continues to broadcast Law and Order and The Biggest Loser- hang on, are we talking about the same thing?" This interview from Teen Vogue was abruptly interrupted at that point.
The terrorist could have got away with his plans if it weren't for one man, as claimed by famous British tabloid The Sun - an obese college professor named Dave Dentrill, who has not disclosed his weight but is regarded by colleagues "to mention his weight by fractions of ton rather than pounds." According to the only eyewitness who was able to watch Mr. Abdulrazzq behind Dr. Dentrill, "I saw this person behind the fat man, trying to get out but finding it impossible to get out from his window seat to the aisle. Well, I say get out. It was like watching a man getting out of one of those ball rooms you see in children's daycare centers." Dr. Dentrill has been asked for a 4-book deal and a Channel 4 documentary about his "heroic deeds."
Nevertheless, the FAA has found this incident a major sign that once again there are security holes in airports that should be plugged. Two months later, the FAA enforced all American airports with international flights to do full-face scans during the screening process for departing passengers. Some airports bought X-ray face scanners, but those on lower budgets found ingenious methods, such as breaking off every tooth in the passenger's mouth, or in the case of Dallas International Airport, shooting each passenger in the mouth with a Remington 870 shotgun to see if any of the teeth would react. In one particular case, airport employees in San Francisco International Airport (SFIA) have tried sucking out each tooth of each passenger to inspect for bomb-making materials. A senior executive commented; "This does not mean we're changing the rule that passengers can only be inspected by officials of the same sex. Why do you ask?"
Eventually, the FAA has decided in October 31 that those who take more than 4 international flights into or from the United States should remove their own teeth and "get into the habit of using sets of false teeth" in order to hasten the inspection process. The news came to the delight of many heterosexual passengers and the dismay of SFIA officials. To cash in on the sudden rising demand of false teeth, Gucci, Prada, Coco Chanel and the Mars Bars Corporation have released their series of high-concept false teeth, available at duty-free shops. Customers complained that the M&M False Teeth sets melted as soon as they entered their mouths, but the Mars Bars Corporation has promised to work on that issue.
But if anyone has truly profited from all these affairs, it is Jack Hoon, an employee at the McDonalds in JFK Airport. In the course of 3 months, he collected bags removed teeth from Terminal 1, placed them under his pillow as he went to bed, and collected a final sum of $36 million. The FAA told him to stop doing that, as the teeth were going to be sold in a public auction in order to fund for the full-face X-ray scanners, which will "now also check for explosives potentially stuffed up terrorists' nasal cavities."
Notable American humourist Dave Barry, who lost his right eye during a tragic boating accident involving a bass guitar, a pebble and a rubber band, had this to say at his Christmas column at the Miami Herald; "I hope to fill my glass eye with TNT one day and walk into Miami Airport - and see how the FAA scrambles their asses in the next month to pry out everyone's eyes the next time they board a plane."
