THE QUEEN AND PHILIP ARE CHATTING.
QUEEN
Philip that beastly new government has sent us a package of new savings. I dread to look, supposing we have to shop in Waitrose?
PHILIP
Come on my little Duchy Original. They're replacing our security with (SOUND OF RUSTLING) a cricket bat?
QUEEN
They expect us to bop terrorists on the head with it? That's not cricket.
PHILIP
I think it is my little plum pudding. Oh look they're replacing our royal train with a (FX ENVELOPE OPENING) it's a piece of paper. Could you read it I've forgotten my glasses.
QUEEN(READING)
Catch a train at Windsor and sit in the toilet. If a guard asks for your ticket, make farty noises until he leaves.
PHILIP
Well that's a bleeding disgrace. Your her toyal majesty Regina ascendant. You can't make farty noises all the way to bloody Edinburgh!
QUEEN
Calm down Philip. Look it's the Commonwealth games envelope. 1st class flights, 5 star hotels, lots of foreign types running about. (FX ENVELOPE OPENING) Hang on it's a list of numbers for Indian restaurants in Windsor and an Australian pub.
PHILIP
The blighter expects us to organise it in our back garden!
QUEEN
How dreadfully common. People will think it's the olympics.
