Skit Comp 13-20.6.10

Good stuff as usual and congratulats to CRAIG H for winnin'! Enjoy, have 10 points and PM me for next week's subject please...
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

3 - 10 - Craig H
2 - 5 - Kasm, Otterfox
1 - 1 - Alex, Will Cam
Special mention: Smurgoon

Your new subject: FRIENDSHIP (chosen by Mr Sunshine)
Rules:
One entry per person. Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 20.6.10

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

139 - Mr Sunshine
123 - Cool Mikado
112 - Otterfox
111 - Chris Forshaw
103 - Frankie
99 - Nigel Kelly
98 - Fred Peters
90 - Michael Monkhouse
88 - Kasm
82 - Charley Rance
79 - Timbo
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
54 - Scratchyr
51 - Angiebaby
37 - Gerry McDonnell
35 - Afinkawan
32 - Swerytd
32 - Paul Watson
28 - Leevil
27 - Alex Mahon
22 - Craig H
22 - Blobster
21 - Mikey J
26 - David Chapman
20 - James Harris
20 - Blobster
20 - Roscoff
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Bushbaby
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
12 - Geoff Mutton
12 - Badge
12 - Will Cam
11 - Steven
10 - Robo
10 - Nitram Skir
10 - Socrates
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O
07 - James
07 - garyd
07 - Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
06 - John Kelly
06 - Andrew Lynch
05 - Karlos the Great
05 - Nil Putters
05 - Drew
05 - Pedros
05 - Summer G
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Stephen Birch
02 - Stu R
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Ming The Mirthless
01 - Minty
01 - Shpadoinkle
01 - Shaggy292
01 - amillionpounds
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a tinker's cuss, so PM me. Thanks...

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

KEVIN AND PAULA ARE SITTING ON THE SETTEE.

PAULA:
Right, I'm ready.

KEVIN:
Ready for what?

PAULA:
For the sex. I'm really looking forward to it.

KEVIN:
Where has this come from? I thought we were just good friends.

PAULA:
Well we are, but when you emailed me, asking me to come over for a bit of fun, I thought you wanted to take our relationship to the next level.

KEVIN:
I just wanted to play a few games.

PAULA:
Why did you ask me to bring handcuffs?

KEVIN:
For cops and robbers.

PAULA:
What about the rope?

KEVIN:
Cowboys and Indians.

PAULA:
OK, but surely my reply should have told you that something was up.

KEVIN:
It all seemed reasonable. I've got the jelly and the cucumber in the fridge.

PAULA:
And the poppers?

KEVIN REACHES INTO A BROWN PAPER BAG THEN PULLS THE STRING ON A PARTY POPPER.

PAULA GRABS THE BAG AND PULLS OUT A PLUG, ROSARY BEADS AND A LARGE BUNNY. PAULA LEAVES.

When you do this, it's very important to get from one subject to the other smoothly. Start with one subject then get to the next, but with a smooth transition so nobody notices. I like dogs. I do, I just draw the line when people say a dog's your best friend. I would never treat my best friend the way a dog treats its owner. Like I'm walking along the road with me best mate - nicely, nicely - then pull down me pants: 'Hang on a minute, just having a crap... It's stuck to the tufts round me anus, can you gimme a hand?... Where ya goin? Scoop it up. That's a thousand Euro fine and I'm buggered if I'm paying it.' If that for you is a friend, you're clearly on Facebook, in which case I won't waste any more of your time.

INT. A PUB - NIGHT

Two men are sat at a table, clearly quite drunk. When they speak they slur their words.

MAN1
I love you you know.

MAN2
I love you too mate.

MAN1
No, I really love you.

MAN2
I know, I know. I really love you too.

There is an awkward pause where the two look at each other. Suddenly they grab each other and partake in a passionate kiss. They brake and look at each other again, seeming a bit flustered.

MAN2
I'm going to the toilet.

MAN1
I'll meet you in there.

Man2 skips off screen. Man1 watches him go as he downs the last of his pint excitedly and then stumbles off after man2.

Cut to.

INT. A BEDROOM - NIGHT
Man1 jolts up in bed, out of breath, covered in sweat and looking a little scared. His wife in bed next to him turns over to look at him.

WIFE
(Sleepily)
What's the matter dear? Bad dream?

MAN1
No. I just remembered why me and Dave aren't speaking to each other.

I want to play in the skit com again I do!!!!!!!!!!!!

- They say a dog is man's best friend. It isn't true. I broke into a house once and a Rottweiler tore me to shreds.

- You know you've got no friends when you log into
Friendsreunited and everybody says you're dead.

- My mate set me up on a blind date, but warned me she was a bit of animal. Imagine my surprise when I walked into the restaurant and discovered she was a female werewolf.

INT. BANK. DAY
A MAN (NORMAN) CARRYING A PUMP-ACTION SHOTGUN AND WEARING A BALACLAVA BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR OF THE ALMOST EMPTY BANK.

NORMAN
Everybody hit the floor!

SHOOTS A HOLE IN THE CEILING AND PUMPS ANOTHER CARTRIDGE INTO THE CHAMBER

NORMAN
Now, mutherf**kas!!

THE FEW CUSTOMERS DROP TO THE FLOOR AS NORMAN APPROACHES THE HALF-GLAZED COUNTER BEHIND WHICH THE MANAGER AND A FEMALE BANK TELLER ARE COWERING. NORMAN TOSSES A CANVAS BAG OVER THE GLASS AND POKES THE GUN THROUGH THE APERTURE.

NORMAN
Fill it!

TELLER LOOKS AT THE MANAGER (LIONEL) WHO NODS HIS CONSENT. LIONEL THEN STARES CLOSELY AT THE MASKED MAN

NORMAN
Wotchoos lookin' at, Dickwad?!!

LIONEL
Norman?

NORMAN
On the deck before I blow your muthaf**kin legs off!!!

LIONEL (INSISTENT)
Norman Hemper? Miss Bonham's class, 4LB, Priory Road Juniors' School?

NORMAN
What the..? Lionel? Lionel M-

LIONEL STARTS TO ANSWER BUT NORMAN AIMS THE GUN AT HIM CARELESSLY AS HE SHAKES HIS HEAD

NORMAN
No, don't tell me. Lionel Merson?.. Milburn?.. Matthews! Lionel Matthews! Good grief, what a surprise. You're looking, well.

LIONEL
And you're looking... well - mysterious.

NORMAN PULLS OFF HIS BALACLAVA

NORMAN
Where are my manners? (TOUSLES HIS HAIR) I must look a state. So, what are you doing now?

LIONEL
Oh, I made manager here last year - going well, actually. And you?

NORMAN
Me? I'm in charge over at Sainsburys in the high street.

LIONEL (TAKEN ABACK)
You are? Oh... brilliant. How's that panning out?

NORMAN
We're a little down on takings this week so I thought... (INDICATES GUN) ...you know.

LIONEL
Really? (THEN CATCHING ON) Oh... you! I remember, you always were a bit of a joker.

NORMAN
Yeah, probably the main reason Miss Bonham didn't like me.

LIONEL
Well, that and the fact she knew you used to take everyone's sweets and pocket money.

NORMAN
Oops (LOOKS DOWN AT GUN) Awkward. Well, it may be hard to believe, but I'm not really like that. Wouldn't hurt a fly, me.

TELLER STOPS WHAT SHE'S DOING. NORMAN NOTICES AND POINTS THE GUN AT HER HEAD.

NORMAN
People, on the other hand - I f**kin' kill them as soon as look at 'em!

TELLER GETS BACK TO FILLING THE BAG AND THEN HANDS IT OVER THE GLASS TO NORMAN

NORMAN (CONT'D)
Still, I must be going. In a bit of a rush - one of the drawbacks of the job, I'm afraid.

LIONEL
Oh, I thought you might like to catch up with Geoffrey Stubbings. Maybe pay him a visit sometime?

NORMAN STOPS AND FROWNS

NORMAN
Geoffrey? That little specky swot who dribbled a lot? Why would I want to see him?

LIONEL
He owns a jewellers on the corner. Some lovely pieces in there. Keeps them in the wall safe behind a picture of his mother, apparently.

NORMAN (FROWNING)
That's decent of you, Lionel. But, isn't that a bit unethical?

LIONEL (SHRUGS)
Not one of our customers. No conflict of interest.

NORMAN (LOOKS AT HIM ANEW)
You know, I always thought you were a bit... you know. But, you're all right

COP
Freeze! Drop the gun and put your hands in the air!

NORMAN TURNS TO SEE THREE ARMED POLICEMAN WHO HAVE SNEAKED IN BEHIND HIM AND HAVE HIM COVERED

NORMAN (SHOCKED)
What the... (TURNING BACK TO LIONEL) I thought we were friends. And all the time you'd pressed the panic button and kept me talking! You two-faced, conniving, creapy little suckbutt!

LIONEL
Yeah well, that's roughly what Miss Bonham called me when I told on you. Ironically, it was her who said I'd excel in banking.

DAVE RETURNING TO HIS HOUSE AFTER A TRIP AWAY. IN THE DRIVEWAY HE MEETS HIS BEST FRIEND PETER WHO HAS BEEN HOUSE-SITTING FOR HIM.

DAVE:
Hey there Pete. How did the house-sitting go? She did'nt cause you any trouble did she? (SMIRKS)

PETER:
Nope. Everything went great.

DAVE:
(PUTTING HIS KEY IN THE DOOR) You did'nt let anyone rob me blind I assume. (LAUGHS)

PETER ALSO LAUGHS.

PETER:
Come on. You've known me for 20 years. I made a promise to you before you left. I guarded it with my life. I know how much those books mean to you which makes it all the more surprising that they still managed to steal them.

DAVE:
What!?!

PETER:
I said its amazing that they still managed to steal them.

DAVE:
How could you let this happen? Those books were worth 100's of thousands. 1 of them was over 800 years old! *Ringing police*

Did you even see anyone?

PETER:
Nothing, not a thing. Not one thing.....I did see who took them though.

DAVE:
(hopeful) You saw who took them? What did they look like?

PETER:
They were kind of...if you take...they were a bit...kinda tall to the left if you know what I mean.
They...you know your head? He had a,a...a... The neck was there(points to his own neck)

DAVE:
Will you just describe him? I might even know him.

PETER:
He was standing and he would put 1 foot in front of the other in a walking motion towards the books. Then he would pick them up in a sort of stealing fashion.

DAVE:
But what did he look like? What were his characteristics? What kind of nose and eyes....

PETER:
Oh Lord...he, he would; How will I... he blew his nose and his eyes were right about there (points)His eyes were looking in one direction and then another. He was constantly looking at things, never stopped.

DAVE:
(PLEADINGLY) But Peter. What did he actually look like? What physical features did he have that might help us to identify him. Like if you looked at him what would you find noticable or even if you...will you just tell me what he bloody looked like?

PETER:
He, he would often, he kind of...you see that tree.

DAVE:
Jesus Peter! Whats wrong with you? Can you in any way possible describe him? Even if you could mime it, words would be better though.

PETER:
All I have are these photos of him.

DAVE:
You have photos of him!!? Why the Christ did'nt you show me these 10 minutes ago!

PETER HANDS DAVE THE PHOTOS.

DAVE:
Peter (beat) these are photos of you stealing my books/

PETER LOOKS CONFUSED.

DAVE:
You stole my books.

PETER:
He was kind of wine with some kind of, sort of there, in a way.

DAVE:
No Peter not 'who stole my books', YOU stole my books.

PETER:
(INDIGNANT) David!! I,I...I might have stole your books...but I had to. Some fellow took them and I felt obligated to steal them back.

DAVE:
So the books are here! Oh what a relief!

PETER:
Yeah I know. Now all we need to do is find your 4 bentleys and we're golden.

DAVE:
What!!?

KNOCK ON THE DOOR. ITS A DETECTIVE AND BEGINS ASKING PETER QUESTIONS.

PETER:
Well he was about 6 foot 2, fair hair, big eyes...

DAVE JUMPS TO ATTACK HIM.

END.

Very few this week. I'll go for Gerry McDonnell

A few regulars must be holding out for Newsjack, the comedic whores that they are.

I vote for Kasm.

Never had the time to get something in this week but I think the quality was pretty high considering the turnout. Otterfox gets my vote for the second week running. Very creative, brilliant dialogue.

Just need to find your 4 bentleys and we're golden!

Busy week so no time for me to enter. I liked a few but Chris Forshaw's was punchy with a twist at the end - really liked it. Gets my vote.

It's Kasm for me this week.

Although there were only a few, there were still some really nice ideas. And it's Gerry McD for me.

Kasm