about ten years ago I wrote this thing about a cynical counsellor. Now I am re-writing it.
EXT. - COUNSELLING OFFICES - DAY
WE SEE A TERACED VICTORIAN HOUSE WITH A SIGN OUTSIDE ‘DAYBRIGHT COUNSELLING’
CUT TO:
INT. LANCES’ ROOM
MR JEREMIAH IS SAT IN THE CHAIR, LOOKING MISERABLE. HE TALKS IN BETWEEN SNIFFING AND DRYING HIS EYES. LANCE SITS THERE, BOLTED TO THE SPOT, NOT MOVING OR ACKNOWLEDGING.
JEREMIAH
I...miss her so much. I just....sometimes I can’t go on, you know? I want her back so badly...I call otu her name...sometimes...and then I remember...I realise....
HE STARTS WEEPING, HIS GRIEF IS OBVIOUS. LANCE SIGHS.
LANCE
And how old was your tortoise?
JEREMIAH
Thirty nine.
LANCE
Thirty nine is not a bad age.
JEREMIAH
Bloody isn’t.
LANCE
Yes it is. Dogs an cats, you got fifteen years tops. Thirty nine has got to be nursing home and a blanket on the lap with a nurse asking if you are dry in human years.
JEREMIAH
Tortoises can live for 250 years if you look after them
LANCE
Mr Jeremiah, if she had have lived to 250 years then you wouldn’t be sat there. She would. I got to tell you, we don’t counsel tortoises. They’re poor payers.
JEREMIAH LOOKS AT HIM.
JEREMIAH
Are you messing me about?
LANCE
No, I’m saying it was a tortoise.
JEREMIAH
Wednesday was more than justa tortoise!
LANCE
Oh? Such as? Ashtray? Crusty pie? And entertaining game to replace spin the bottle?
JEREMIAH PICKS UP HIS COAT AND HAT
JEREMIAH
You are the most insensitive person I have ever, ever met.
LANCE
Hi! I’m Lance Boyle!
JEREMIAH GOES TO THE DOOR
JEREMIAH
I hope you never lsoe someone like I lost Wednesday. I hope you never suffer like I am suffering right now. I hope you never do.
JEREMIAH GOES OUT OF THE DOOR
LANCE
It’s not likely unless I marry a turtle.
LANCE GETS UP AND THROWS THE FILE ON HIS DESK. FRIEDA ENTERS
FRIEDA
I heard some of that
LANCE
Confidential session that was. You shouldn’t be listening.
LANCE GOES AND SITS DOWN.
LANCE
Funny though.
FRIEDA SITS DOWN THE CHAIR
FRIEDA
Lance....do You ever think, consider, you may be in the wrong career?
LANCE
What? Are you mad? No. Nothing I like better than coming in here, listening to a lot of whining. “I’m too fat”, “I’m to thin”, “I lack confidence”. Actually scrub the last one, those guys never show up. Thing is they come down here and unload a wheelbarrow full of neuroses, and we lap ‘em up like a dog in the desert.
HE TWIDDLES HIS PEN
FRIEDA
You lack compassion.
LANCE
Hey, I have compassion. I have a cupboard full of compassion. (PAUSE) It’s this. All this.
LANCE MAKES AND SWEEPING ARMS OPEN GESTURE.
FRIEDA
Barbara told me you haven’t unloaded all the things your clients have told you for three months. You’re supposed to do it every week.
LANCE
Yeah, that’ll be because I’m not actually listening.
FRIEDA GETS UP
FRIEDA
Clear your desk. Go on. Leave.
LANCE WASTES NO TIME IN SHOVING ALL THE ITEMS ON HIS DESK INTO THE BIN.
FRIEDA LOOKS AT HIM, SHAKES HER HEAD AND LEAVES.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. LANCES HOUSE - LATER
LANCE ENTERS AND PUTS HIS RUCKSACK DOWN. SONYA IS SAT ON THE COUCH.
SONYA
You’re early.
LANCE
Sacked.
SONYA JUMPS UP
SONYA
Again? Lance, this is not funny.
LANCE
You try listening to those people. on and on. Whining and whining.
SONYA
Now you know what it feels like to be me. Youa re not sitting around here all day. You are going to back there and ask for your job back.
LANCE
I can’t do that! Think about the loss of face.
SONYA
It’s your other bits I’d worry about losing first.
LANCE LOOKS WORRIED.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. PUB - LATER
LANCE IS NURSING HIS PINT. GERAINT SITS NEXT TO HIM
GERAINT
You don’t want to take that, man. You want to stand up for yourself. Be a man.
LANCE
I know.
GERAINT
See, women, see. You got to be the man if you are in a relationship with a woman. Don’t take no crap. Stand up for yourself. Be a man.
LANCE
Your single.
GERAINT
Yes, I may well be single at the moment, that’s justa blip,
LANCE
You;ve been single for eight years. That’s not a blip. That’s white noise.
GERAINT
T’s because I’m too good for them, that’s what it is. I’m like untouchable.
LANCE
Pretty unbearable as well.
GERAINT
Do you want my help or not.
LANCE
No.
GERAINT
Good. Now what you want to do is go down there and demand your job back. Women, see, they come in two groups. Female and, erm, well, they’re pretty much all the same. Thing is they’ve got all hoity toity since they got evaporated.
LANCE LOOKS AT HIM
GERAINT
You know, got the vote.
LANCE
The word, geraint, is emancipated.
LANCE FROWNS
LANCE
I don’t know why I am asking you for advice. The last tiem you went out with a woman you were in a pram.
GERAINT
I’m your mate. I won’t see you wrong.
LANCE
...no. I’m going to deal with this my way.
LANCE PICKS UP HIS COAT AND GOES TO THE DOOR
GERAINT
Remember. Your strength is here
GERAINT POINTS TO HIS BALLS. OTHER PEOPLE LOOK AROUND.
LANCE
Definately leaving.
LANCE EXITS.
THE PUB ARE STARING AT GERAINT.
GERAINT
What you looking at? Being a man you got these. I’d like to see a woman with a pair of these.
A MAN AT THE BAR ANSWERS
MAN
I can give you a contact number if that’s what you’re after.
PEOPLE LAUGH. GERAINT GOES INTO A SULK.
...to be continued...hopefully...
