Re-written Gardener Dad

Given heavy edit and re structure to a previous effort. Would be good to know what you all think. I think.

Original sketch: https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/17081/

EXT. A GARDEN. DAY.

A MAN (DAD) IS LAYING DOWN ASLEEP. HE AWAKES STANDS AND STRETCHES AND PICKS UP A WATERING CAN.

DAD:
Come on, time to get up.

A CHILD ( DAUGHTER ). IS SLEEPING AMONGST MANY PLANTS AND FLOWERS.

DAUGHTER:
(Yawns and Grumbles).

DAD:
Come on, up you get.

DAD POURS WATER OVER HER FORM THE WATERING CAN.

DAUGHTER:
Argh Dad! I don't like it.

DAD:
Don't make a fuss. I want you you looking nice we're going to visit granddad.

DAUGHTER:
Argh no, he's got slugs and he smells.

DAD:
Well he's still your grandfather. Just be nice.

THEY WALK OVER TO A LARGE COMPOST HEAP COVERING AN ELDER GENTLEMAN (GRANDDAD).

GRANDDAD:
Hello hello. My haven't you grown? Have you been leaning towards the sun?

THE DAUGHTER MUMBLES AN ANSWER.

DAD:
We spent the weekend with friends, they've got a greenhouse.

GRANDDAD:
Very fancy.

DAD:
I brought you your salt.

GRANDDAD:
Thank god. Those slugs are driving me crazy.

DAD HANDS SOME SALT TO HIS DAUGHTER:

DAD:
Be a love and rub some of this onto granddad's slugs would you?

DAUGHTER:
Why do I have to do it?

DAD GIVES A FIRM STARE AND THE DAUGHTER RELUCTANTLY TREATS SOME SLUGS WITH THE SALT.

GRANDDAD:
Oooh that's a blessed relief. Ooooooh watch them buggers bubble.

END.

Very nice. Great idea too.

I didn't really like it, tbh. It feels a bit aimless. You've got a strong premise but you need to do more with it to squeeze the humour out. Sorry to be negative but it's all with good intentions, as I think you could do a lot more with it.

More a sequel than a rewrite, but I am inclined to agree with Adam that this is not an improvement.

ok, fair do's. Appreciate your honesty even if it's hard to take. Is it so bad that the other one is better? I like the grandfather stuff, but am I alone in this?

Quote: scratchyr @ March 28 2010, 11:49 AM BST

INT. A GREENHOUSE. DAY.

A MAN (DAD) WALKS IN SMILING AND HOLDING A HAND HELD WATER SPRAYER.

DAD:
Morning, you two.

TWO CHILDREN ( BROTHER ) AND ( SISTER ). ARE STANDING AMONGST MANY PLANTS AND FLOWERS.

BROTHER:
(Yawns).

SISTER:
(Grumbles).

DAD:
Come on, outside. It's a splendid day. Lots of lovely sunshine.

DAD SPRAYS THE CHILDREN IN THE FACE WITH THE WATER SPRAYER.

BROTHER:
Argh Dad!

SISTER:
I don't like it.

DAD:
Well you're too small for the hose. You'll thank me when your all nice and healthy.

THE BROTHER AWKWARDLY WALKS. HE HAS HIS FEET IN BUCKETS.

DAD: (CONT'D).
Looks like someone needs some new shoes.

BROTHER:
But I like these ones.

DAD:
If you don't get bigger ones then how will you grow? You want to grow up to be big and strong don't you?

SISTER:
I don't want to be big and strong, I want to be a flower.

BROTHER:
You'll get greenfly.

SISTER:
No I won't, I...Dad? I want a little sister, when can I have a little baby sister?

DAD:
As soon as I can take a clipping. Right, who's first for breakfast?

SISTER:
It smells.

DAD:
Now now. Don't make a fuss.

DAD GETS A BUCKET OF MANURE AND POURS IT OVER THEIR FEET.

DAD (CONT'D):
Fresh from the farm this morning, and organic.

DAD:
Don't make a fuss. I want you you looking nice we're going to visit granddad.

DAUGHTER:
Argh no, he's got slugs and he smells.

DAD:
Well he's still your grandfather. Just be nice.

CUT TO:

DAD, SON AND DAUGHTER WALK OVER TO A LARGE COMPOST HEAP COVERING AN ELDER GENTLEMAN (GRANDDAD).

GRANDDAD:
Hello hello. My haven't you grown? Have you been leaning towards the sun?

THE DAUGHTER MUMBLES AN ANSWER.

DAD:
We spent the weekend with friends, they've got a greenhouse.

GRANDDAD:
Very fancy.

DAD:
I brought you your salt.

GRANDDAD:
Thank god. Those slugs are driving me crazy.

DAD HANDS SOME SALT TO HIS DAUGHTER:

DAD:
Be a love and rub some of this onto granddad's slugs would you?

DAUGHTER:
Why do I have to do it?

DAD GIVES A FIRM STARE AND THE DAUGHTER RELUCTANTLY TREATS SOME SLUGS WITH THE SALT.

GRANDDAD:
Oooh that's a blessed relief. Ooooooh watch them buggers bubble.

END.

View original

I think the two could be combined. Bring back the boy, then have it as a story/runner piece.

GRANDDAD:
Hello hello. My haven't you grown? Have you been leaning towards the sun?

THE DAUGHTER MUMBLES AN ANSWER.

DAD:
We spent the weekend with friends, they've got a greenhouse.

This is a very original and interesting piece of work. I'm not sure you've got to where you're going with your writing yet, scratchyr, but in my opinion you're going somewhere very special.

I like them both, and think they work together well as Giggle suggested. I love the girls awkwardness with the grand-dads' slugs it's really well observed, 'buggers bubble' is totally ewwww, love it!