The Prescription Sketch

My first time at writing a sketch, and it took under an hour. I wanted to know how other people felt of it.
Please, I desperately need constructive criticism.

THE PRESCRIPTION SKETCH

The DOCTOR and the PATIENT are sitting in a general practitioner's office.

DOCTOR
I've analyzed your body, and it seems that the right course of action would be to prescribe medication. I recommend 'Farocol' for your condition. Take 1 pill every morning, 30 minutes after breakfast, and sooner or later you should be fit as a fiddle.

PATIENT
Without side effects?

DOCTOR
Ah, now that's a problem. for some users Farocol may give a side effect of depression and sleepiness.

PATIENT
Then what should I do?

DOCTOR
I can prescribe an anti-depressant for you. It's called 'Solicol.' Let's see - the depression should take in about another 30 minutes after you take Farocol, so I'd recommend taking half a pill of Solicol an hour after breakfast.

PATIENT
So, 1 pill of Farocol 30 minutes after breakfast, one half pill of Solicol an hour after breakfast, and I should be fit again with no side effects.

DOCTOR
Ah, now there's a catch with Solicol.

PATIENT
Which is?

DOCTOR
It can cause severe constipation.

PATIENT
"Severe" constipation?

DOCTOR
You don't know what the medical world is like, do you? Anyhow I would prescribe Tryptezene. It's a laxative. Just to make sure that you self-defecate-

PATIENT
You mean 's*** myself?'

DOCTOR
-You learn quickly. Make sure to take 2 pills two hours after breakfast every day.

PATIENT
So, one pill of Farocol, one half pill of Solicol, 2 pills of Tryptezene, and I should be fine without any side effects?

DOCTOR
Oh ho, I'm not done yet. Tryptezene also has a side effect.

PATIENT
Let me guess; diarrhea?

DOCTOR
That too, but it also can raise your heart temperature.

PATIENT
Blood temperature? Surely you mean heart rate or body temperature?

DOCTOR
No, no, blood temperature. Too much of Tryptezene and your heart's boiling, soon the blood in your veins will boil, and eventually it will smell like meat burning. It's like - it's like-

PATIENT
Chicken?

DOCTOR
Personal experience tells me it tastes more like rabbit.

(PATIENT eyes him nervously)

DOCTOR
Not to worry, since I can prescribe another pill for you that can cure that. But as you might have guessed, it also has another side effect.

PATIENT
What is it now?

DOCTOR
Pregnancy.

PATIENT
Pregnancy? But I'm a man! Sure that only applies to pregnant women!

DOCTOR
And do you know why they tell you medication isn't for pregnant women? Because it causes pregnancy! Another pregnancy inside the woman's body! We don't want twins, half the world's overpopulated anyhow!

PATIENT
So... you'll be prescribing me another pill?

DOCTOR
Not just another pill, THE pill. And if you run out, just ask your girlfriend, she's got plenty.

PATIENT
How do you know?

DOCTOR
I'm a doctor. I know everything. But 'THE pill' also has a side effect. Take a wild guess.

PATIENT
Obesity?

DOCTOR
Which is why I'm prescribing these diet pills as well. Take 2 pills before every meal. But make sure it's 10 minutes before the meal! Otherwise it could backfire and cause side effects.

PATIENT
Such as?

DOCTOR
An inexpressible desire to play Tchaikovsky on the bagpipes.

PATIENT
But I don't even-

DOCTOR
Strangely enough, clinical studies have shown that 59% of all test subjects had an inexpressible desire to play the bagpipies. You'd think their teeth weren't made for playing the bagpipes, but those test mice were much better at their rendition of 'Swan Lake' than the Queen's own bloody regiment. Oh, and it also causes indigestion in the stomach.

PATIENT
Please, I live in an apartment and that's the last thing I need. Is there anything you can do about it?

DOCTOR
Fortunately, there is a drug that cures both those problems.

PATIENT
Which is?

DOCTOR
Farocol.

PATIENT
But that's what you bloody prescribed in the first place!

DOCTOR
Well, for want of a nail. Oh no wait, it isn't. Doesn't matter. I planned all this out anyhow, and the good thing is despite its massive budget increases, the NHS couldn't be bothered to check where your medication comes from, so here's your two weeks' worth.
(DOCTOR puts a huge shopping bag filled with pills on the desk in front of PATIENT. PATIENT is gobsmacked.)

PATIENT
I can't take all this! This will ruin my body!

DOCTOR
Oh, if you insist. There is one last pill that you need to take if you want to avoid all this.

PATIENT
Which is?

(DOCTOR pulls out a single pink pill from his coat pocket.)

DOCTOR
This. Try it now. This should end any problem you have within your own body.

PATIENT
Are you sure?

DOCTOR
Cross my heart...

(PATIENT swallows the pill.)

PATIENT
I suddenly feel better, thank you. My head's going blank... I...

(PATIENT falls dead on the desk.)

DOCTOR
...and hope to die. The good ol' cyanide pill never fails. Ready the oven, nurse; we've got a fat one this time!

First of all, kudos for posting, and I have read many worse sketches - there are some nice touches. But you do fall into one of the classic newbie errors - the sketch is far too long. You need to trim even before you get to pregnancy, but having got to pregnancy, which is your maximum escalation, you need to trim radically. See if you can bring in the sketch at half the length.

And I did not go much on the pay off, not so much the cyanide pill, but the oven, which presumably relates to the (funny) cannibalism line, delivered about two hours early. Either tie it into the sketch better or, preferably, find a different ending.

Ha! Like the idea and the dialogue is good. Agree that it should be a bit shorter (maybe the old 'rule of 3' could be applied here).

Nice!

Thank you for your constructive comments! I am somewhat influenced by the early works of Fry and Laurie and hoped that the gag/one-liner per minute ratio would keep it afloat, but on second thought I see this one is overextended...

Here's a new version. It still might be too long, but what do you think?

My first time at writing a sketch, and it took under an hour. I wanted to know how other people felt of it.
Please, I desperately need constructive criticism.

THE PRESCRIPTION SKETCH

The DOCTOR and the PATIENT are sitting in a general practitioner's office.

DOCTOR
I've analyzed your body, and it seems that the right course of action would be to prescribe medication. I recommend 'Farocol' for your condition. Take 1 pill every morning, 30 minutes after breakfast, and sooner or later you should be fit as a fiddle.

PATIENT
Without side effects?

DOCTOR
Ah, now that's a problem. for some users Farocol may give a side effect of depression and sleepiness.

PATIENT
Then what should I do?

DOCTOR
I can prescribe an anti-depressant for you. It's called 'Solicol.' Let's see - the depression should take in about another 30 minutes after you take Farocol, so I'd recommend taking half a pill of Solicol an hour after breakfast.

PATIENT
So, 1 pill of Farocol 30 minutes after breakfast, one half pill of Solicol an hour after breakfast, and I should be fit again with no side effects.

DOCTOR
Ah, now there's a catch with Solicol. It can cause severe constipation.

PATIENT
"Severe" constipation?

DOCTOR
You don't know what the medical world is like, do you? Anyhow I would prescribe Tryptezene. It's a laxative. Just to make sure that you self-defecate-

PATIENT
You mean 's*** myself?'

DOCTOR
-You learn quickly. Make sure to take 2 pills two hours after breakfast every day.

PATIENT
So, one pill of Farocol, one half pill of Solicol, 2 pills of Tryptezene, and I should be fine without any side effects?

DOCTOR
Oh ho, I'm not done yet. Tryptezene also has a side effect.

PATIENT
Let me guess; diarrhea?

DOCTOR
That too, but it also can raise your heart temperature.

PATIENT
Heart temperature? Surely you mean heart rate or body temperature?

DOCTOR
No, no, heart temperature. Too much of Tryptezene and your heart's boiling, soon the blood in your veins will boil, and eventually it will smell like meat burning. It's like - it's like-

PATIENT
Chicken?

DOCTOR
Rabbit. Personal experience tells me it tastes more like rabbit.

(PATIENT eyes him nervously)

DOCTOR
Not to worry, since I can prescribe another pill for you that can cure that. But as you might have guessed, it also has another side effect.

PATIENT
What is it now?

DOCTOR
An inexpressible desire to eat living flesh.

PATIENT
I beg your pardon?

DOCTOR
Living flesh. Don't you know the taste - what am I saying, I apologize.

PATIENT
Please, I live in a council estate and that's the last thing I need. Is there anything you can do about it?

DOCTOR
Fortunately, there is a drug that cures both those problems.

PATIENT
Which is?

DOCTOR
Farocol.

PATIENT
But that's what you bloody prescribed in the first place!

DOCTOR
Well, for want of a nail. Oh no wait, it isn't. Doesn't matter. I planned all this out anyhow, and the good thing is despite its massive budget increases, the NHS couldn't be bothered to check where your medication comes from, so here's your two weeks' worth.

(DOCTOR puts a huge shopping bag filled with pills on the desk in front of PATIENT. PATIENT is gobsmacked.)

PATIENT
I can't take all this! This will ruin my body!

DOCTOR
Oh, if you insist, I have one last cure. There is a much more natural cure that doesn't require and will simultaneously end all of your health problems. If nothing else, it should automatically lower your blood pressure.

PATIENT
And this one doesn't have side effects?

DOCTOR
Oh please, this is only a simple extraction procedure that shouldn't result in any pain in living memory. All you need to do is to lie your head down on the desk here and extend your neck.

(The PATIENT lays her head down on the desk and extends her neck.)

PATIENT
Like this?

DOCTOR
Like that. Close your eyes, you won't feel a thing for the rest of your life.

PATIENT
Have any of your other patients tried this cure?

DOCTOR
Believe me, everyone eventually chooses this cure.

(The DOCTOR speaks as he pulls out a bloody butcher's knife and licks his lips.)

(Cut to the DOCTOR and a nurse eating what seems to be cooked meat.)

NURSE
This one's a good catch. How old was this one?

DOCTOR
I just got the meat this afternoon.

NURSE
No, I mean before she was roasted.

DOCTOR
Ooh, about 29 - hang on, I think I nearly swallowed something.

(The DOCTOR beats his chest, indicating he's swallowed something. He spits out an earring.)

NURSE
I told you to cut off the ears before you put her in the oven!

DOCTOR
I forget!