Thought I'd try something vaguely topical again...
VO: Today on "Derren Brown Investigates", Derren meets a mysterious woman known only as "the Duchess".
SARAH FERGUSON (SITTING AT A TABLE ON WHICH SITS A CRYSTAL BALL (OR DECANTER, FROM WHICH SHE POURS A DRINK). SHE SOUNDS A LITTLE DRUNK, BUT TRIES TO BE MYSTICAL)
SF:
Would you like to see your future, young man?
DERREN BROWN:
Oh yes, I'm quite intrigued by how you're going to do this (SNIFFS). By the smell of it, with sherry.
SF:
First, you must cross my palms with silver.
DERREN GIVES HER SOME MONEY.
SF (MUCH DRAMATIC HAND-WAVING):
I shee...(hic)...I seeee (BANGS THE BALL). Oh no, it's broken. I borrowed it off the "Great Lord Morpungo". I can't afford to replace it.
SHE STARTS SOBBING
DB:
Why don't you try something else?
SF (STILL SOBBING):
I used to be a Royal you know...
DB:
Ooo, I've always wanted to do the Royal variety show...then I can investigate whether her Madge's vadge really IS haunted.
SF:
Sorry, been disowned. Haven't half a crown to my name.
DB (NARRATING):
The claims to be be able to put me in touch with those on the other side were looking hollow. I was beginning to think this was just another con trick by a desperate woman seeking her fortune.
SF:
Wait! I can feel a disturbance...someone in this room...behind you...
DB:
Things were looking up.
SF:
Diana?! Me old mucker! how are you? Look, Derren here is doing a television series on the supernatural. Y'know ghosts, that sort of thing. But he's just met crapologists so far. Yes, so I was thinking, perhaps you could help him meet the right people? (PAUSE) She says she'll do it.
DB:
Great!
SF:
I'm afraid that'll be five hundred grand. You'll get it back tenfold, of course.
DB (PUTS SOME PAPER INTO HER HAND):
(LOUDLY) Here is five hundred thousand pounds.
SF:
Oh thank you! You won't regret it. She's got fabulous contacts in the business. Come back tomorrow, she'll bring them all in, don't you worry.
DB:
Thanks. Bye now.
HE EXITS
SF:
Aha! Rich again!
(SHE LOOKS AT THE PAPER, THEN TURNS IT OVER IN HER HANDS. IT'S CLEARLY BLANK)
SF:
Bugger....
GRAMS: SPOOKY FAIRGROUND MUSIC
VO: coming up next, Budgie the Little Helicopter, in which Budgie offers a ride on Jon Claude the Concorde to anyone who can give him five hundred barrels of kerosine.