Skit Comp 19-26.5.10

Gud stuff as usual and congratulats to ALEX MAHON for winnin'! Enjoy, have 10 points and PM me for next week's subject please...
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

4 - 10 - Alex Mahon
1 - 5 - Karlos the Great, Cool Mikado, Craig H, Mr Sunshine, Kasm, me
mentioned! - 1 - Angiebaby

Your new subject: ADVERT
Rules:
One entry per person. Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 26.5.10

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

129 - Mr Sunshine
123 - Cool Mikado
111 - Chris Forshaw
107 - Otterfox
103 - Frankie
99 - Nigel Kelly
98 - Fred Peters
90 - Michael Monkhouse
83 - Kasm
82 - Charley Rance
78 - Timbo
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
54 - Scratchyr
51 - Angiebaby
37 - Gerry McDonnell
35 - Afinkawan
32 - Swerytd
32 - Paul Watson
28 - Leevil
26 - Alex Mahon
22 - Blobster
21 - Mikey J
26 - David Chapman
20 - James Harris
20 - Blobster
20 - Roscoff
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Bushbaby
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
12 - Geoff Mutton
12 - Badge
11 - Steven
11 - Will Cam
10 - Robo
10 - Nitram Skir
10 - Socrates
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - Craig H
07 - The Giggle-O
07 - James
07 - garyd
07 - Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
06 - John Kelly
06 - Andrew Lynch
05 - Karlos the Great
05 - Nil Putters
05 - Drew
05 - Pedros
05 - Summer G
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Stephen Birch
02 - Stu R
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Ming The Mirthless
01 - Minty
01 - Shpadoinkle
01 - Shaggy292
01 - amillionpounds
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a tinker's cuss, so PM me. Thanks...

This is a spoof on the cancer treatment ad

MAN
I shouldn't be here

BOY
I shouldn't be here

YOUNG WOMAN
I shouldn't be here

GRANDAD WITH BABY
We shouldn't be here

WOMAN
My mother shouldn't be here.

V.O
The population explosion is your baby.......Use a f**kin' condom.

TECHNICAL HITCH

An office.

MR and MRS SMITH sit opposite MR GRYCE.

MR SMYTH: Mr Gryce we're awfully worried about our marriage.

MR GRYCE: Don't worry, I'm a professional counsellor.

MRS SMYTH: It's the children... They don't talk to us. Or anyone. They spend all the time in front of the Internet.

MR SMYTH: And they won't communicate face-to-face. They're addicted to their mobiles...

MRS SMYTH: Then those games. We used to play hopscotch, they're addicted to Virtual-Sex-Fiend-in-Hell...

MR GRYCE: Don't panic. I have the answer... The new Virgin All-In-One.

MRS SMYTH: Yes! Pay one monthly fee for Internet, mobile and video...

MR SMYTH: The buggers'll be happy all day!

MRS SMYTH: And with the money we save I can get that lovely new perm I always wanted!

MR SMYTH: While I get rat-arsed down the pub! Thanks Mr Gryce!

MR GRYCE: (to audience) Marriage counselling for the new millennium. 'Cause you're breaking up too.

INT: LIVING ROOM - DAY

A MIDDLE CLASS LOOKING WOMAN HAS A PHONE TO HER EAR

WOMAN:
Hi Picture, I was calling about a loan.

A YOUNG BOY'S VOICE IS HEARD

LITTLE BOY:
Mom, where's my scooter?

WOMAN:
I'm on the phone you little bollocks, try the garage.

A MAN WALKS INTO THE ROOM

MAN:
Tess, where are my...

WOMAN (Interrupting):
I'm on the phone to Picture!

WOMAN (speaking on the phone again):
Don't worry, it's always like this here, but at least I can get my credit sorted.

LITTLE BOY:
Mom, I can't find my trainers.

WOMAN:
You little bastard, I told you I'm on the phone, try under the bed.

WOMAN (speaking on the phone again):
Yes, we do have a mortgage.

WOMAN (turning to her husband):
How much would we like to borrow again?

MAN:
What the f**k, you're on the phone trying to arrange a loan, and you're not even sure about the figure? Josh, fetch me my belt, this bitch has to learn the fundamental importance of preparation.

THE WOMAN HANGS UP THE PHONE

POST TO LET.

CLASSIFIED AD'S PAGE.

FOR SALE: Rare and unusual furniture. Made from the bark of a dogs mouth.

LONELY HEARTS: MALE 55. Average hair, poor moustache, excellent sidelocks. Likes combing, curling, straightening and colouring squirrels.

LONELY HEARTS: Woman 65. Had enough with men. Looking for dog for long walks, companionship and some romance. Red Setters preferred.

LONELY HEARTS: Complete twat. Looking for someone to make fun of, ridicule and laugh at. Male OR female, not sexist.

WANTED: Urgently need cow dung for rural football pitch as season starts tomorrow and all the cows are constipated.

ELECTRICIAN AVAILABLE. Qualified, registered, fully insured, lonely. Very available.

BILL IS YOUR MAN. 20 years experience. Just cannot remember what I do. Please call on 7792254 to remind me.

VACANCY. On this page. Would love to fill it with an ad. Please contact us.

SUPERVISOR needed as regular visors do not seem to work.

BAR MANAGER. Everyone is invited on the work night out bar the manager.

Do YOU look like THIS?

GET THIS

Then sign up here http://www.facebook.com

Simples

Thanks Leevil ;-)

Graig, try [image] as the tag.

Quote: Craig H @ May 21 2010, 11:23 PM BST

Thanks Leevil ;-)

View original

No probs.

Woooooooaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh Body Form, BodyForm for Poooooo!

V.O: The New Incontinence Range.

INT.FRONT ROOM.EVE

A WRITER SITS DOWN ON A COMFY LOOKING SOFA, PICKS UP A REMOTE CONTROL AND SWITCHES ON THE TELEVISION. THE END CREDITS TO A PROGRAMME ARE JUST FINISHING AND A TRAILER FOR A NEW SKETCH SHOW BEGINS. ON THE WRITERS TV SCREEN WE SEE

EXT.PARK.DAY

DONALD TRAMP A DIRTY LOOKING MAN WITH A BIZARRE HAIRSTYLE AND A POOR AMERICAN ACCENT APPROACHES A MAN SITTING EATING HIS LUNCH ON A BENCH

DONALD TRAMP
Hey buddy, know where a fella can have a BIG shit?

THE SKETCH SHOW TRAILER THE WRITER IS WATCHING THEN FILLS THE ENTIRE SCREEN

INT.KITCHEN.DAY

MAGGIE A WAITRESS IS LOOKING ROUND AT THE EMPTY KITCHEN. HER MANAGER TOM WALKS IN

MAGGIE
Where's all the food?

TOM
I don't know... wait a minute who's our head chef today?

A FAT FRENCH CHEF APPEARS FROM NOWHERE

CHEF
Cest moi, Count Hugh Ovaweight, middle name Jelly!

MAGGIE
But that would make your full name...

CHEF
Oui, Hugh Jelly Overweight!

THE MICROWAVE OVEN BING'S

CHEF
I'm such a fat Count!

INT.HOTEL RECEPTION.NIGHT

A MAN CALLED RICHARD HEAD IS DRESSED AS A PENIS AND IS BOUNCING UP AND DOWN

RICHARD HEAD
Cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock!

INT. OFFICE

A MAN IS ON THE PHONE

MAN
Thanks Roger, see you then!

A DEPRESSINGLY DATED CARICATURE OF A GAY MAN CALLED ARTHUR APPEARS FROM BENEATH THE DESK

ARTHUR
Hello Ducky! Was that a vaguely homosexual remark!

MAN
No

ARTHUR
Who cares, I'm Arthur Bender!

MAN
Who?

ARFUR
Arthur Bender dearie!

MAN (picking up his phone)
Mark get someone from security!

ARFUR
Ooooooh! Tell Mark I don't know if I'm coming or going (winks) I'm Arthur Bender! YOO-HOOOOOOOOO!

INT.AUCTION HOUSE

A PIRATE IS SITTING IN A CHAIR READING THE SALES PROGRAMME WAITING FOR THE AUCTION TO START. A WOMAN APPROACHES HIM

WOMAN (indicating an empty seat next to him)
Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?

PIRATE
No there isn't me heartie, but I wish there were because your breath smells like arrrrrseholes!

WOMAN
Really! How dare you?

SHE STORMS OFF

PIRATE
Ha Harrrrr, I'm a tactless f**king pirate!

INT.HOTEL RECEPTION.NIGHT

RICHARD HEAD (still bouncing up and down)
Cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock!

VOICE OVER
Making Bacon...coming soon to BBC 3

INT.FRONT ROOM.EVE

THE WRITERS LEGS ARE HANGING DOWN IN SHOT IN FRONT OF THE TV. HIS LIFELESS BODY SWINGING SLIGHTLY

The Guardian Employment Section

Job Details: Member of Parliament/Snake oil salesmen

Employer: Peter Mandelson

Posted: 22nd May

Reference: FU - PROLE2010

Contact: Peter Mandelson

Location: House of Lords

Industry: Politics/Business/Sales

Contract: Temporary (depends on next election)

Hours: Flexible

Salary: Squillions

Introduction

We are looking for:

Middle to upper class people, preferably with mock accents, although this would not be a hindrance. Excellent snake oil salesmen who ignore problems whose solutions go against Westminster policy;

- Musically gifted types who know how to fiddle expenses claims;

- Accountants with no idea of financial prudence

- Parachutists to fall into safe seat

- Shepherds to fleece proles

Vacancy detail:

We are offering:

- Free moat cleaning service

- Free kitchen and bathroom units

- Free luxurious houses and flats in desired areas

- Free security patrols

- A kiss arse environment.

You will liaise with businessmen, Captains of Industry, Islington Luddites, and the media to think of new ways of riding roughshod over constituents, especially those with financial difficulties.

If you are interested in the challenge and would like more information about the post, please ring one of Mr Mandelson's secretaries (Nick Clegg or David Cameron) on 666 Fu Prole.

Or apply in person and please bring cherry-flavoured lipstick for arse-kissing.

For radio...

F/X: TYPING SOUNDS AND A DOOR OPENS. THE TYPING STOPS.

MATT:
Hi Johnno, what you up to?

JOHNNO:
Oh, hi Matt. Just, er, updating my profile.

MATT:
What is it, Facebook? MySpace? Sad flatmates dot com? (LAUGHS)

JOHNNO:
(HESITANT) Actually it's a dating website. Time I got back on the bike, so to speak.

MATT:
Good idea mate - and not with a bike this time. What have you got so far?

JOHNNO:
Attractive male would like to meet --

MATT:
Hang on, steady there!

JOHNNO:
Is attractive a bit too - optimistic?

MATT:
Well, yes... but everyone says it on these sites. It's the next bit. Nobody says "would like to meet". It's all WLTM. Or WLTF. Do you really want to F?

JOHNNO:
No! M, I would like to M!

MATT:
Okay, okay, WLTM. You can't F before you've Emmed anyway. What else have you got?

JOHNNO:
I dunno Matt, I can't compete with all the other profiles. It's all bungee jumping in New Zealand, trekking through the Andes or making their own yogurt in a yurt.

MATT:
You kind of make your own yogurt - I had to throw out the milk again. What about using friends to describe you? That's a common trick.

JOHNNO:
Yeah, but they've all got a large circle of friends. I haven't even got a quadrant.

MATT:
How about your photo? You can make that count.

JOHNNO:
But I'm just a bit too bald and just a bit too fat.

MATT:
And just a bit too optimistic. You're a bloated slaphead. But nothing a bit of Photoshop can't sort out!

JOHNNO:
But I want to be honest.

MATT:
Some judicious cropping then. Cropping is the most honest form of photographic lies. Fat? Crop as close as you can. Bald? Slice the top off the head. All the newspaper writers do it at the top of their columns.

JOHNNO:
Some of them could do with slicing a bit lower.

MATT:
Here, grab some paper and work on the words - I'll get cropping for you.

F/X: MOUSE CLICKS.

GRAMS: "THE GALLERY" MUSIC FROM "VISION ON".

MATT:
There you go. What do you reckon?

JOHNNO:
You've certainly cropped it. You've only left a pixel.

MATT:
It's at least four pixels.

JOHNNO:
It seems to be part of the mole on my nose.

MATT:
It's your best bit. Accentuate the positive! Now, how have you got on with the words?

JOHNNO:
(CLEARS THROAT) Attractive male --

MATT COUGHS.

JOHNNO:
Attractive male WLTM similar female for relationship. I asked my friends to describe me and this is what they said.

PAUSE

MATT:
Go on.

JOHNNO:
That's as far as I've got.

MATT:
Maybe it's a bit soon to be getting back on the bike, Johnno. At least without stabilisers.

END

INT. KITCHEN. DAY.

THE LATE MOLLY WEIR AND A YOUNG HOUSEWIFE ARE ADMIRING A GLEAMING FLOOR.

MOLLY
Och, it was a fair mess 'at gowk of a husband of yers made in the kitchen here, lassie.

HOUSEWIFE
Yes, but with new formula Flash the floor just sparkles.

MOLLY
Aye, but noo for the real test.

THEY BOTH DON ORANGE GOGGLES. MOLLY SPRAYS THE FLOOR WITH LUMINOL AND SHINES AN ULTRAVIOLET TORCH ON IT.

WE SEE THE KITCHEN FLOOR THROUGH THEIR EYES, IN A BLUE LIGHT. IT IS SPOTLESS.

THEN BACK TO NORMAL VIEW. THEY ARE REMOVING THE GOGGLES.

HOUSEWIFE
Not so much as a trace of bloodsplatter. Thank you Molly!

MOLLY
Don't thank me, thank Flash!

CUT TO THE PRODUCT SHOT, A PACKET OF FLASH NEXT TO A BLOODSTAINED KITCHEN KNIFE.

MOLLY V.O.
The perfect crime every time.

CUT BACK TO KITCHEN.

HOUSEWIFE
Thank you Flash!

SHE HOLDS UP HER HUSBAND'S SEVERED HEAD IN A JIFFY BAG.

END.

Ambition Express

Radio advert. Business-like, well-spoken English man's voice:

Man:

Are you lacking direction? Want to move on but feel you've missed the train? Come and get on board the Ambition Express, calling all destinations to your personal goal.

Now - for just seventeen and a third euros - you can purchase a one way ticket to confidence and success. Our friendly, informative staff will help you to find the right platform so that together we can put you, and your life, back on track.

With our unique '7 Stop Programme' we guarantee to deliver an efficient first class service tailored to suit your needs. Think we're moving too fast? Don't worry! We'll be stopping to pick up all the skills you need along the way. Out of steam? No sweat! Our refreshment trolley is always on its way round. Just fix yourself a coffee and we can carry on when you're ready.

So leave your baggage behind and prepare to be locomotivated. Whatever your ambitions are you're in safe hands if you choo-choo-choose the Ambition Express.

Come and get on board today, the only barrier is your own imagination.