Royal Portrait

For radio:

FX: DOORS CREAKING OPEN.

FOOTMAN: The young gentleman to paint your portrait, Ma'am.

ARTIST: Your Majes... oh, um

THE QUEEN: You can stop bowing now.

ARTIST: I was just... admiring... the carpet. Good shag. No, I mean...

THE QUEEN: Come now, no need to be nervous. One has sat for one's official portrait before.

ARTIST: Of course. I just had not expected that would you be sitting nude. Ma'am.

THE QUEEN: One thought one should, while one still has it. One is not getting any younger.

ARTIST: I can see that... you might not want to leave it any longer.

THE QUEEN: Quite. It will be a treat for Philip. Like in those art magazines he keeps in the mews. So where do you want one... over here in the light?

ARTIST: No! I think subdued lighting might be more... flattering. Perhaps we could draw the curtains? And are those shutters...

THE QUEEN: One likes to look one's best. One had one's hair done specially. We have had a Chilean.

ARTIST: Chil...? Oh you mean... a Brazilian?!

THE QUEEN: Does one? But it is shaped so much like Chile. Look, there is our Tierra del Fuego.

ARTIST: Ai!!

THE QUEEN: One thought if one posed holding the sceptre here... too raunchy?

ARTIST: (FAINTLY) It does rather take away some of the mystique. Are you sure the public are ready for full frontal royalty?

THE QUEEN: One's subjects love one. But the Monarchy must move with the times. If one wants to stay in the public eye one must be prepared to flash some teat and bottom, wot?

ARTIST: Very well, if you are quite sure Ma'am. (TO HIMSELF) But it is going to be one bloody funny looking stamp.

END.

Yes. That's the one Timbo.

Ace.

Great idea, good punch as tight dialogue. I'd drop 'too raunchy' as doesn't sound like she'd say it and just change next line to 'It takes away some...etc'. I'd also be tempted to drop the Artist's 'I can see that...' it doesn't add too much to the joke we've already got and it's out of character for him.

BUT - this is ace - well done.

Cheers Rick. I am sure you are right about "too raunchy" - it is not needed.

Very nice! Really good idea, well written and funny! Only things that I think might need a tinkering with are:

THE QUEEN: Come now, no need to be nervous. One has sat for one's official portrait before.

This line feels a tiny bit confused to me almost like two separate statements rather than a natural feed line?

And this line:

ARTIST: Ai!!

I read it in an Ali G voice so it broke the flow

Really enjoyed it though!

I like the overall idea and there are some good lines but in the end I found all the "one" dialogue to be quite distracting and a bit overdone.

Quote: The Cool Mikado @ May 18 2010, 9:42 PM BST

Only things that I think might need a tinkering with are:

THE QUEEN: Come now, no need to be nervous. One has sat for one's official portrait before.

This line feels a tiny bit confused to me almost like two separate statements rather than a natural feed line?

View original

Good point. I'll look again at that.

Quote: Badge @ May 18 2010, 9:55 PM BST

I found all the "one" dialogue to be quite distracting and a bit overdone.

View original

I know what you mean, but having made the decision to go down that route I was kind of stuck with it! If I switch back to the first person singular the voice starts to wobble and becomes less distinctive. I could possibly make more use of the first person plural (the Royal 'we'), but I think switching between the two too much would be confusing.

It's got such a good premise & pay off that I can't really fault it at all.
It's well written & there's some funny lines.
The only bits that might be improved IMO are the Shag line and teh queens reply to the Brazillian.
But I don't have any suggestions & they wouldn't be as good as what you've got anyway.

Timbo - I agree with you on the use of 'One' - it is annoying, and on a lesser sketch would be nigh-on diabolical - but it IS a shortcut to character, and is never a joke in itself. I'd stick with it - the sketch is cracking.

hahahahahaha fab

You c**t Timbo, taking the piss out of our lovely Queen. I hope you get beheaded you anarchist f**k.

It is well written however, so you can die happy, you traitor.

I am wondering whether post-Frankie Boyle there remains a market for this sort of sketch...

Thanks to everyone for the positive and constructive feedback.

I really like this. Very good punchline, but perhaps one too many 'one's'.

This is very good. Maybe you could readjust 1 or 2 sentences so that she is not saying 'one' quite so often but I really liked it. Great stuff indeed.

Ha! I love this line,

ARTIST: Of course. I just had not expected that would you be sitting nude. Ma'am.

I giggled for a few minutes at that. And I'd of cut it short there too. Not to say the rest isn't good.

I'd also like to see this as a runner, where the Queen would be revealed to be doing something uncharacteristic, and whilst not an original idea, executed in your style would work a treat.