Daytime, grubby, boring smoky, village hall meeting room, the suns rays burn through the windows into the haze of cigarette smoke. 15 people of mixed ages from 20 upwards both male and female sit in a circle on faded orange plastic chairs. Brown Formica topped tables and more orange chairs are stacked against the walls.
Group Leader (Gordon) (40's, tubby male, kindly looking with a beard in a Corduroy jacket)
'Well good morning all, I'm glad so many of you could make it. Now, as we have a couple of new members here today perhaps we could start by sharing some of our own experiences with the group?'
(looks around the room and points at a man in his mid 30's dressed in white shirt, blue tie and dark trousers, short fair hair)
' Steve? Would you like to tell your story?'
Steve 'OK....(stands up)....Good Morning Gordon...er...room'
(half the room in unenthusiastic unison)
Room'Morning Steve'
Steve '......well...as you know.... I've been God free now for almost 8 months'
(quiet applause from the room)
'Thank you.' (smiles)
(looks into the air and takes a deep breath as the memories return).
'At my peak I was praying....sometimes.... 30 to 40 times a day'
(closes his eyes shamefully another deep breath through his nose)
'.......at work my boss used to catch me calling the 1800 PRAY lines'
(looks around the room)
'........you know the ones with the pope dancing on the advert'
(mimics the dance in a feeble fashion by crossing his arms over each other quickly and moving his head from side to side) (room nods and mumbles recognition)
'Most days I used to pretend I was speaking to customers on the phone when really....... I was just praying into the mouthpiece........ there was nobody there.'
(people in the room nod their heads in sympathetic recognition)
'It all came to a head one day when I was sitting on the toilet at work..........'
(speaks hurridly, wide eyed, as if reliving the mania)
'...........by this time the praying and the church-going had just taken over, I didn't know when I was praying and when I wasn't, everything was just a blur.'
(looks back up to the ceiling and back down at the room , talks slowly)
' I.....well, I was sitting on the toilet and out of the blue I began confessing my sins to the man in the cubicle next to me, calling him Father and pleading for forgiveness.......'
(speaks frantically again)
'... when he didn't answer I begged and I wept........banging my fists on the cubicle wall shouting 'why won't you forgive me Father....why!! '
(shakes his head as he looks at his feet)' (looks at the room again and the mania returns)
'The next thing I knew the security guards had pulled me out of the cubicle and dragged me pleading, fighing and weeping through the office in front of all my co-workers.'
(nearly crying).....(deep breath and regains his composure)
'I hadn't even had time to pull my trousers up...'
(room mumbles, shakes their heads and look at each other)
(speaks slowly as if reminiscing)
'....I. lost a lot that day...my friends, my dignity......(deep breath through nose) ..........and my trousers.'
(sharp intake of air from those in the room)
'My Boss gave me an ultimatum,it was either the job or God, which would it be? well by that time I was so blinded by faith I didn't care any more so I resigned there and then.'
(he closes his eyes and nods to himself)
Things weren't much better at home. My wife would find bibles everywhere, in every draw, under the pillows on our bed, behind the settee....I even had one laminated so I could keep it in the water tank in the loft. (pause) I was barred from my local church for refusing to leave at the end of the service so at weekends I did all my praying at home. Every Saturday and Sunday were the same, I'd start off with some gentle praying in the shower and then when my wife took the kids to the park or shopping I'd reach for the nearest bible. One time I thought she'd left the house and she hadn't and she caught me reciting the lords prayer, luckily I managed to disguise it by singing Like a Prayer by Madonna and.....well, she believed me. (pause and an exhale) As soon as her car pulled off the drive, I'd draw the curtains, drop to my knees and start praying,
(speaks quickly, again reliving the madness)
'I'd tell myself 'OK I'll just do 10 minutes, then I'll get on with the house work', .....by the time I looked at my watch, hours had passed..........verse after verse, prayer after prayer, sometimes I'd recite the whole New Testament but it was never enough, then I'd go through psalm after psalm after psalm until I was so tired and dazed I'd just pass out on the floor.'
(Closes his eyes and shakes his head then regains his composure and smiles)
'Now, hopefully, that's all behind me and with the help of Godaholics Anonymous, 20 Bensons and a bottle of gin a day I'm slowly getting my life back on track.......'
(He sits down, takes a huge gulp of gin from the bottle, then lights a cigarette while being rubbed on the back by the smiling man on the chair next to him who has a bottle of Scotch in his other hand as the room claps, he takes a drag of his fag, nods, smiles and looks around the room as the man next to him smiles with sympathetic admiration . The room continues to clap.)
End of sketch.