Coffee?

Stationary car. Man in drivers seat, woman in passenger seat of a nice dark car, maybe a BMW. Night time. View through windscreen. Car interior light illuminating the two of them. Well dressed in their 30's. (Note, imagine the woman slowly losing her patience as the conversation progresses.)

Woman(spoken happily and softly as she looks into his eyes) 'That was a lovely evening, thank you'

man(smiles and looks into her eyes) 'maybe we can do it again sometime?'

Woman(nods) 'I'd like that, .......'(looks at the passenger side window as if preparing to get out of the car then looks back at him)'....would you....er ...well like to come up for a coffee?'

Man(thinks for a second) 'nah.......I don't really drink the stuff.'

Woman'I've got tea?' (turning her head to one side, smiling and looking at him as if to say 'problem solved')

Man'nah...... I don't really "do" hot drinks.'

Woman'beer?'

Man'nah.'

Woman 'cider?'

man 'nah'

woman'how about a glass of wine?'

Man(silent, slanty eyed look of refusal and a shake of the head.)'..nah'

Woman'lemonade? orange juice? Water? Cordial? Milk? (excitedly) A can of coke?'

Man(looks at her) 'What kind of coke?'

Woman'I've got diet I think....'

Man(wobbles his head, biting his bottom lip, weighing up the options)......(long pause) '..Nah.'

Woman'look, we don't have to drink anything if you know what I mean?' (raised eyebrows)

man 'Oh.........(smug knowing grin) ......you mean?.......well it is late, but... OK, I reckon I could eat something. What have you got?'

Woman (sighs looks at the dashboard, then closes her eyes to hold back her frustration) (explains in a patronising way) 'look, I'm not thirsty and I'm not hungry but .....I..... would still like......YOU......to come up to my flat and have SOMETHING.... with me. Get it?'

Man(vacant look as he stares at her. A shake of the head) 'not really'

Woman'Ok, I want you to come upstairs and have sex with me!! Now do you understand??? (frustrated) God!! I can't believe I have to spell it out!!' (looks through the passenger side window)

Man'oh. (the penny drops) ....OK.......(long pause - looks at her) .........what kind of sex?'

Woman(she turns in disbelief to look at him, with a slightly disgusted look on her face, shaking her head) 'Any kind, I don't care!! Now are you coming or what? (Almost begging)'

Man(thoughtful pause)'.....Anal sex?'

Woman'Yes.....anything....for gods sake... now come on!!' (angrily climbs out the car taking her hand bag and slamming the door)

Man(now in the car on his own, reaches into his top pocket and pulls out a pack of condoms, as he throws them into the air and catches them, triumphantly and confidently grinning) 'heh heh heh.....it never fails!' (exits the car)

End sketch.

I liked it - a lot. Felt the out was a bit of a let down - but very good, nonetheless.

Thanks Stephen. And no mention of the grammar, we are doing well!!

Karlos it's good but in my humble you could edit it down a tad and make it pacier and agree with Stephen on the out. There is a further twist at the end, if you think about it, if you want to keep the condoms and never fails line in.

Cheers Marc,

I wasn't too happy with the end myself, I guess that's where experience comes into play. If you've got some good pointers I'd be happy to hear them. I'll take another look at it though and see if I can work something tighter out.

Thanks.

Hey Karlos,

Been loving your work, and this is no exception. I liked the last line but will give my 2p worth, for what it's worth

How's about he ends with a pat of the condoms, a squirt of mouthspray and a 'heh heh, Sucker!'?

Quote: AngieBaby @ May 12 2010, 8:35 PM BST

Hey Karlos,

Been loving your work, and this is no exception. I liked the last line but will give my 2p worth, for what it's worth

How's about he ends with a pat of the condoms, a squirt of mouthspray and a 'heh heh, Sucker!'?

View original

NOW THAT! I LIKE.

Thanks for the positive feedback too.

I loved this one, very funny and AngieBaby's ending is a cracker

I think this is an excellent sketch. It's very descriptive and sets the scene perfectly but I also think the end lets it down a bit and does not do the sketch justice.

Angies suggestion is a good one but both the original ending and Angies works off the premise that his plan was to have sex with her all along. If that was the case I feel he would have just said yes when she suggested coffee.

What if, and this is just a suggestion when the girl gets out and slams the door his look of confusion returns and he says:

"What the hell does she mean by 'sex'"?

I thought the joke is meant to be that he tricked her into offering him anal sex by pretending to not understand convention.

Of course the real humour here is reading the directions, which are as ludicrous as they are numerous and lengthy:

(spoken happily and softly as she looks into his eyes)
(looks at the passenger side window as if preparing to get out of the car then looks back at him)
(wobbles his head, biting his bottom lip, weighing up the options)

This script could probably shut down an 'unsolicited scripts' department by itself.

Quote: Godot Taxis @ May 13 2010, 1:41 PM BST

I thought the joke is meant to be that he tricked her into offering him anal sex by pretending to not understand convention.

Of course the real humour here is reading the directions, which are as ludicrous as they are numerous and lengthy:

(spoken happily and softly as she looks into his eyes)
(looks at the passenger side window as if preparing to get out of the car then looks back at him)
(wobbles his head, biting his bottom lip, weighing up the options)

This script could probably shut down an 'unsolicited scripts' department by itself.

View original

Thanks, yes that is the real joke. And as for the directions, what can I say. I like to paint a picture. When I write something I get pretty involved and see the whole thing in my head. Being overly descriptive aint a bad thing, I mean it didn't do Oscar wilde any harm....oh wait... it did, he got banged up for bumming Lord whatshisname, had to break rocks for years then died alone and penniless of ear cancer in Paris. Ah well it could have been worse, he could of died in Stoke.

ta.