Man in Distress

INT.INFLATABLE LIFE RAFT. DAY

A ROUND THE WORLD YACHTSMAN IS LYING ON THE FLOOR OF THE RAFT. HE HAS FIVE DAY STUBBLE AND LOOKS COLD AND WORRIED

BLOKES VOICE
Oi!

THE SIDE OF THE RAFT IS SUDDENLY STRUCK BY AN EMPTY CAN OF LAGER. AFTER A FEW MOMENTS IT'S STRUCK BY ANOTHER ONE

BLOKES VOICE
Oi, is anyone in there!

LOOKING CONFUSED BUT ELATED THE YACHTSMAN GETS UP AND EXCITEDLY OPENS THE FLAP TO HIS RAFT AND IS STRUCK IN THE FACE BY AN EMPTY BEER CAN. HE PEERS OUT TO BE FACED BY ANOTHER LIFE RAFT WITH A DRUNK LOOKING COUPLE KNEELING AT THE ENTRANCE. THE YACHTSMAN'S FACE DROPS

BLOKE
Alright mate!

YACHTSMAN
Ahoy there

DRUNKEN FEMALE REVELLER
Hello sailor, like the jacket!

BLOKE (TO THE WOMAN)
Shhhh, shut up... Ignore her mate, she's pissed. Here, cop a load of this

THE BLOKE THROWS HIM A ROPE AND THE YACHTSMAN EXPERTLY SECURES IT TO HIS DINGHY

BLOKE
Nice one. Have you got any Rizlas?

YACHTSMAN
Sorry no, I don't smoke

DRUNKEN FEMALE REVELLER
What about some booze?

YACHTSMAN
I have some rum

BLOKE
Get in! Chuck it over mate

YACHTSMAN
There isn't much left...

BLOKE
That's alright mate, it'll make a change from lager

THE YACHTSMAN FINDS RUM AND THROWS IT TO THE BLOKE WHO TAKES A LARGE SWIG AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN WHO DOES THE SAME

FEMALE
Yeahhhhhh! ...Christ I am pissed. Do you want a pizza?

BLOKE
Yeah, nice one love!

THE WOMAN BELCHES AND DISAPPEARS INTO THE RAFT WITH THE RUM AND WE HEAR A GROUP OF DRUNKEN PEOPLE CHEER

BLOKE
Come on over if you want, I might be able to hook you up with one of Tina's mates

YACHTSMAN
Erm no thank you, I'm married

BLOKE
Are you sure, one of them's massive?

THE BLOKE GESTURES LARGE BREASTED

YACHTSMAN
Yes I'm sure thank you

BLOKE
Suit yourself mate, cheers for the rum

THE BLOKE SUDDENLY STOPS IN HIS TRACKS, THINKS FOR A MOMENT AND THEN FISHES DEEP IN HIS INSIDE JACKET POCKET AND GRINNING PULLS OUT A PACKET OF RIZLA

BLOKE
Yes, you beauty!

THE BLOKE KISSES THE RIZLA PACKET AND DISAPPEARS INTO HIS LIFE RAFT. THE YACHTSMAN THEN RETREATS INTO HIS OWN LIFE RAFT AND LIES DOWN AGAIN. A FEW MOMENTS LATER A LARGE THROBBING BASS LINE STARTS UP AND THE GROUP IN THE OTHER RAFT CHEER NOISILY. SIGHING HEAVILY THE YACHTSMAN COVERS HIS EARS WITH HIS HANDS, SHUTS HIS EYES AND TRIES TO SLEEP

BLOKES VOICE
HAVE IT!!!!!!

This is probably soooo Cool, Mikado, that I can't and nor don't get it.
Bit like my grammar, really. I love your stuff, and your French accent
is, like, really real. If you're lucky you'll get a better posting from a
far better critique-er than I.

Quote: Stephen Birch @ May 11 2010, 9:48 PM BST

If you're lucky you'll get a better posting from a
far better critique-er than I.

View original

Oh well you can't win em all!

I do like it, but I felt it needed either more of a twist or a bit more annoyance on the Yachtsmans part.

This builds really nicely but it doesn't really go anywhere. It's an original premise however and I was willing it to succeed.

It doesn't make much sense that the guy forgot he had Rizzlas though.

Agree with the other posters, it built nicely but just kind of slipped away at the end there. Maybe it's because the stakes needed to be raised - perhaps if the man being rescued were a hermit of some kind the idea of him being forced to accept this loudmouth's help would be funnier. As it is, it's just a bit of an inconvenience on his part.

Many thanks for the comments!