INT. CAR SHOWROOM. DAY
MR MAN AND A WOMAN ARE BROWSING A CAR SHOWROOM LOOKING AT THE NEW MODELS WITH A VIEW TO BUYING. MR NICHOLSON IS THE SALESMAN.
Nicholson
Yes sir. I can see by the way you are looking at the new Excreta. (He twitches)
Mr Man
Err…yes. I have never had the opportunity to buy a brand new car although I wanted something with a little more poke than this.
Nicholson
I know what you mean sir. If you would like to hang on, I’ll bring in our latest new sports model.
Mr Man
Yes okay thank you.
NICHOLSON DISAPPEARS AND A FEW SECONDS LATER COMES BACK IN RUNNING ABOUT PRETENDING TO DRIVE A CAR. HE MAKES ALL THE CAR NOISES AND DRIVES AROUND THE SHOWROOM.
Nicholson
(While driving his pretend car) Look at the acceleration. And it makes a really good noise listen. Vroom vroom meoooow.
Mr Man
(Doesn’t quite know what to do) Err… yeah. It’s very nice.
Nicholson
It;’s a 3.5 litre and does fifty miles to the gallon.
Mr Man
Yes I’m sure it does.
Nicholson
And it’s a convertible.
Mr Man
Oh yes so it is. Please stay there. Can we see the Manager please (Backing away).
Nicholson
Why?
Mr Man
If you wouldn’ t mind?
Nicholson
But he knows nothing about cars.
Mr Man
Help!
Nicholson
Okay. Beep beep. Vroom. (Drives to Manager’s office)
ENTER MANAGER WITH NICHOLSON
Manager
Thank you Nicholson.
EXIT NICHOLSON NOISILY
Yes sir, how can I help?
Mr Man
That salesman.
Manager
Nicholson? A bit strange but he’s alright really.
Mr Man
He’s a sodding fruit cake.
Manager
Why what’s he been saying?
Mr Man
He was pretending to drive up and down in an invisible car and then ahd the nerve to try and sell it to me. He even told me that it did fifty to the gallon. He’s bloody mad.
Manager
I see what you mean sir. Can I apologise on Mr Nicholson’s behalf for his mad outbusrt. Everybody knows you would never get that mileage out of a 3.5 litre. Still it’s a nice model and a steal at 7000 pounds.
Mr Man
What! I never been treated so badly in my life. If you think I’m going to spend a penny of my hard earned cash in here, you have another thing coming. You’re a bunch of lunatics and to be perfectly honest, I’m surprised you sell any cars at all.
STORMS OUT
Manager (to woman)
Oh dear. What about you?
Wife
Have you got one in red?
