SCENE 2 FATHER MACAFFREY'S BEDROOM - (8 p.m)
FATHER MACCAFFREY LOGS ONTO HIS COMPUTER AND GOOGLES.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
So. If I type in demon and lust let's see what'll happen. Hmmm! Sexuality in
Christian demonology. What does it say. Aha! I should have known. Our old friend the succubus. And what's this? The Idiot's Guide To Killing A Succubus. Perfect.
HE PRINTS IT OFF.
CUT TO
SCENE 3 EXT. HENRY JAMES INN - (10 p.m)
FATHER MACCAFFREY TAKES A BRIEFCASE OUT OF THE BOOT OF HIS CAR. AS HE IS ABOUT TO KNOCK ON THE DOOR, HE NOTICES A CARVING OF A NAKED WOMAN POTRUDING FROM THE FRONT OF IT. ITS KNEES ARE DRAWN UP TO ITS CHEST, ITS WINGS FOLDED BEHIND IT. FATHER MACCAFFREY GLANCES AROUND THEN STROKES THE CARVING.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
According to Google, the carving of a
succubus denotes a brothel.
WOMAN
OOV)
Does it feel nice?
FATHER MACCAFFREY FLINCHES. HE TURNS TO THE VOICE'S OWNER. IT'S A WOMAN (YOUNG, PRETTY, BIG-CHESTED,LONG-HAIRED.) SHE IS WEARING AN OLD-FASHIONED WENCH BLOUSE.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Just ehm...just admiring the workmanship.
WOMAN:
Yeah, that's what they all say. So who
are you then?
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
I am Father Maccaffrey of St. James
Parish.
HE STUDIES HER FOR A MOMENT.
FATHER MACCAFFREY: (cont.)
And who you are wench...I mean, young
lady?
WOMAN:
Eh, Jane Eyre. Old fart face's cleaner. Just arrived last week. So, what are You doing here?
FATHER MACCAFFREYS EYES NARROW.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
I'm here on business, you might say.
WOMAN/JANE:
What kind?
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
It's secret. So kindly go about your
cleaning.
CUT TO
SCENE 4 INT. HENRY JAMES INN - 10.05 p.m.
FATHER MACCAFFREY PUSHES OPENS THE DOOR. BARNES IS SLOUCHED ON THE RECEPTION DESK. FATHER MACCAFFREY TIPTOES TOWARDS HIM, THE WOMAN FOLLOWING CLOSELY BEHIND HIM. WHEN HE REACHES BARNES HE PUTS HIS HAND ON HIS SHOULDER.
FATHER MACCAFFREYCONT.)
(SOFTLY) Mr Barnes.
SILENCE.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Mr Barnes.
BARNES SUDDENLY LIFTS HIS HEAD UP.
BARNES:
Aaahhh!
BARNES WAVES HIS ARMS ABOUT FRANTICALLY. FATHER MACCAFFREY FALLS TO HIS KNEES, GASPING FOR BREATH.
BARNES:
Leave me alone, leave me alone.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Do-don't worry. I have every intention
of doing so.
BARNES LOOKS UP AT THE PRIEST BLEARY-EYED.
BARNES:
Got to get some sleep. Got to get some...
BARNES SLUMPS BACK DOWN ON THE DESK.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Blast. That's all I need.
FATHER MACCAFFREY STANDS UP AND RUBS HIS CHIN IN THOUGHT.
JANE:
Do you need a hand?
FATHER MACCAFFREY GASPS IN FRIGHT. THEN HE TURNS ROUND AND RECOGNISES JANE.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
(CLUTCHING HIS HEART)Are you trying
to give me a heart attack? Help me get
Barnes upstairs.
FATHER MACCAFFREY HOOKS HIS ARMS UNDER BARNES' ARMPITS. JANE GRABS BARNES' THIGHS.
FATHER MACCAFFREY: (CONT.)
Right. Let's drag him up the stairs.
FATHER MACCAFFREY STRUGGLES TO LIFT BARNES AND LOOKS ON ASTONISHED AS JANE LIFTS HIM EASILY. THEY CARRY BARNES UPSTAIRS.
CUT TO
SCENE 5 INT. HENRY JAMES INN (10.15 p.m.)
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
So which one is his?
JANE:
Ehm...
SHE POINTS TO A DOOR IN FRONT OF HER.
JANE:
That one.
CUT TO
SCENE 6 INT. HENRY JAMES INN. BEDROOM (10.20 p.m.)
THEY CARRY BARNES INTO THE ROOM AND THROW HIM ON THE SINGLE BED.
JANE:
(GLANCING AROUND)This place is filthier
than a rat's pecker.
FATHER MACCAFFREY ROLLS HIS EYES.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Where did you go to school? At the
retard school of Saint Anne
-the-not-very-bright?
FATHER MACCAFFREY CHUCKLES
JANE:
Didn't have school in my day.
.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Didn't have school? Never went, more like.
FATHER MACCAFFREY LOOKS AT HIS WATCH.
FATHER MACCAFFREY: (CONT.)
It's ten minutes to the witching hour.
What we'll do is meet here at midnight,
and we'll see if we can exorcise this demon.
JANE:
Why do you need to exercise it? To
keep it healthy?
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
(DRONING)Oh, not you as well. No,no I said exorcise it. Get rid of it.
JANE:
Aw, right. Let me pop to the toilet
first. Won't be a mo.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
(MUTTERING) Strange girl.
AFTER SHE LEAVES, FATHER MACCAFFREY STEPS INTO
THE HALL.HE'S JUST ABOUT TO GO DOWNSTAIRS WHEN
HE SEES JANE LEAVING A ROOM.
JANE:
(SMILING SHEEPISHLY) It's eh, not working.
JANE RUNS INTO THE ROOM NEXT DOOR.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
(SHAKES HEAD) Weird.
FATHER MACCAFFREY GOES DOWNSTAIRS TO FETCH HIS
BRIEFCASE WHICH HE HAS LEFT BEHIND THE BAR
PREVIOUSLY. WHEN HE RE-ENTERS THE BEDROOM
BARNES IS SNORING LOUDLY. FATHER MACCCAFFREY
REACHES OUT FOR THE LIGHT SWITCH, DEBATING
WHETHER TO TURN IT OFF.
FATHER MACCAFFREY: (CONT.)
Best keep it on. Besides, the bright light
will keep him awake.
FATHER MACCAFFREY GOES TO THE FOOT OF THE BED
AND NOTICES JANE SITTING ON THE FLOOR, LEANING
AGAINST THE WARDROBE.
FATHER MACCAFFREY: (CONT.)
What are you doing here?
JANE:
Oh, I eh...couldn't sleep. Is it okay if
I hang around here for a bit?
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
(SIGHING) Fine. Can you keep a
secret?
JANE:
(SMILING IMPISHLY) Of course I can. Is it
saucy?
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
No.
JANE:
Ah, well.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
I'm hunting a succubus. A demon so
alluring that no man can resist. (His
face registers surprise.) And so desperate
it fornicates with Mr Barnes.
JANE:
So what does this suckerbus look like
then?
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
You mean su-ccu-bus. Well, she's pretty.
But you only see her in dreams,
apparently. She sustains herself by
fornicating with a man to the point of
near exhaustion, even death.
JANE:
Then let me know when you find the
male version, will you? I've been
celibate all day.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
(FROWNS)All day. It's not exactly
eternity, is it?
JANE:
It is to me.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
The country's going to the dogs.
Honestly.
HE SITS NEXT TO JANE, TAKES OUT A SANDWICH FROM
HIS BRIEFCASE AND EATS IT.
JANE:
Poooh! That don't half stink. What's
in it?
FATHER MACCAFFREY GULPS DOWN THE LAST PIECE OF
SANDWICH.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Gorgonzola cheese smothered with a thick
layer of garlic cream. (THUMBS TO HIMSELF)
I'd like to see the demon that tries to fornificate with me after this.
JANE:
I don't think you've got any worries there,
mate.
CUT TO
SCENE 7 INT. HENRY JAMES INN. BEDROOM - (11 P.M.)
AS FATHER MACCAFFREY IS DRIFTS OFF TO SLEEP, HE HEARS BARNES MUTTER SOMETHING. HE JUMPS UP AND TURNS TO SPEAK TO JANE.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Did you-
JANE IS NOT THERE.
FATHER MACCAFFREYCONT.)
Might have known.
FATHER MACCAFFREY SEES BARNES SITTING UP
AND PUCKERING HIS LIPS.
FATHER MACCAFFREYCONT.)
Now's my big chance.
FATHER MACCAFFREY CARRIES HIS BRIEFCASE ROUND
TO THE SIDE OF THE BED, TAKES OUT HIS PHOTOCOPIES
AND LEAFS THROUGH THEM.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
So what do I have to do? Let's see. Ah,
here it is. Number one. Confess your own
sins. (He looks to the ceiling.) Forgive
me father for I have sinned. I have had
lustful thoughts of Mrs Brown. And ehm...
dipped into the plate for money to buy
chocolates. Well, man cannot live by bread
alone, you know. And...oh who cares. Right
then. Number two. The possessed shall
confess their sins.(He kneels beside the
bed.) Confess your sins Mr Barnes.
BARNES OPENS HIS EYES.
BARNES:
Can't I just give her a kiss first? She's
so pretty.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
No, you can't. Anyway, I thought you wanted
me to get rid of it for you?
BARNES:
Why don't you come back tomorrow?
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
No chance.
BARNES:
Okay. I've robbed six banks. Burgled
three houses. Stolen from supermarkets.
Been unfaithful to my wife countless times. Stolen from the church collection plate...
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Just,just stop there. Otherwise we'll be
here all night for goodness sake. You're
a right little one-man crimewave, aren't
you?
FATHER MACCAFFREY LEAFS THROUGH HIS MANUAL.
FATHER MACCAFFREY (CONT.)
Ask the demon its name.(TO MR BARNES.)
Demon. Who are you?
VOICE: (OOV)
Mind your own business.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
(FROWNS) Strange. The voice sounded
familiar. (He shakes his head.)Never
mind. In God's name I command you to
tell me your name.
VOICE: (OOV)
Oh, you got me there. Okay. Bridgette.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Bridgette who?
VOICE: (OOV)
Oh gawd. You're a right pain, you are.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
In God's name...
Voice: (OOV)
All right, All right. Bet you were right
annoying when you were younger. Bridgette
Le Bombshell.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Strange name for a demon. Ah well. (He
clears his throat.) Exorcizamus te,
omnis immundus spiritus, omnis satanica
potestas, omnis incursio infernalis
adversarii, omnis legio, omnis congregatio
et secta diabolica, in nomine et virtute
Domini Nostri Jesu Christi... I command
you to leave.
THERE'S A NOISE - LIKE THE WAILING OF A CAT.
THEN AN EDDY WHIRLS ABOOUT THE ROOM. A HAND
STICKS OUT OF AND REACHES FOR THE DOOR HANDLE.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
(SCRATCHES HIS CHIN.) Wait. (MUTTERING.)
Haunted places bring tourists. And the
church needs new pews. Perhaps I could do
a deal with Barnes?
VOICE: (OOV)
Make up your bleeding mind. Do you want
me to go or not?
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Unless you want to stay here.
VOICE: (OOV)
What? With two minute-Harry there. Not
likely. Send me away. Who knows? Maybe
I'll get to ravish the Chippendales. Oh, I
can just see it now. All those sexy male strippers.
BARNES SITS UP IN BED. FATHER MACCAFFREY STANDS
UP.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
I expect there'll be a reward for this,
Mr Barnes?
BARNES:
Of course.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
What if, instead of a reward, I was take
a percentage of the profits here. Say,
fifty percent.
BARNES:
You must be joking?
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Indeed, I am not. What if I was to fill
this place every night? What would you
say then?
BARNES LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM.
BARNES:
The estate agent said this would be a
nice little investment. Never trust them,
Father Maccaffrey.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Well, what do you say?
BARNES:
Okay. What do I have to lose? You're on.
FATHER MACCAFFREY SLAPS HIS HANDS AND RUBS THEM
TOGETHER.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
So, we have a deal. Before you know it,
there'll be a longer queue for this place
than Mrs Brown's bedroom.
THE EDDY DISAPPEARS AND JANE IS STANDING
IN ITS PLACE
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
So, you're not Jane after all. Never
fooled me for a moment.
JANE:
Weeell! You don't get much fun in this
place. Have to make your own
entertainment.(She snorts.)So what do you
want me for?
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Well I (he acts coy) No, I couldn't. It
would be immoral. Indecent even.
HE TURNS HER BACK ON HER.
JANE:
Stop it. You're turning me on.
FATHER MACCAFFREY TURNS BACK ROUND.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Since you insist.
FATHER MACCAFFREY PUTS HIS ARM ROUND JANE'S
SHOULDER.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
What if we were to advertise this place as
haunted by a demonic nymphomaniac? Imagine
all the men who would come here. (He shakes
his head.) No. I couldn't. It would
tantamount to prostitution. Imagine all those
all hunky, sex-starved men running their hands
all over you. It would be unsavoury.
JANE:
Whoopee. (Bridgette dances around the room)
My own little harem. Can I get to choose the
men?
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Of course.
CUT TO
SCENE 8 DAY 2 EXT. DAY.
WE SEE ADVERTS IN THE BRAMBLEBUSH
ENQUIRER, INTERNET, AND FLY POSTERS
ROUND VARIOUS TOWNS AND CITIES.
CUT TO
SCENE 9 DAY 3 EXT. THE HENRY JAMES INN - (10 P.M.)
A BUS PULLS UP. EXCITED MEN OF ALL AGES POUR OUT
OF IT AND RUSH TOWARDS THE ENTRANCE.
CUT TO
SCENE 10 INT. BEDROOM - (10 P.M.)
FATHER MACCAFFREY WATCHES THE MEN FROM THE
BEDROOM WINDOW. HIS SMILE TURNS TO A FROWN WHEN
HE SEES A TARTILY-DRESSED MRS BROWN HEADING
TOWARDS THE ENTRANCE, ESCORTED BY A BESPECTACLED,
SPOTTY-FACED YOUTH.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Oh, not you. With you here, there'll be
too much competition.
HE RUSHES DOWNSTAIRS. MRS BROWN IS AT THE
RECEPTION DESK TRYING TO BOOK A ROOM FOR THE
NIGHT. HE STANDS BEHIND THEM.
FATHER MACCAFFREY: (CONT.)
Ah! Mrs Brown. Who might this be with his
arm round your waist? Your grandson?
THEY BOTH TURN ROUND.
MRS BROWN:
He's Jamie, Mr Simms' son.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Ah, so it is. Well whoever he is,
you're still not getting in. Men only,
I'm afraid.
MRS BROWN:
That's sexual discrimination, that is.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
No it's not. It's protecting business
interests. (He turnS to the boy) Why don't
you pick on somebody your own age?
JAMIE:
What? Round here? You must be joking.
Unless you're into sheep like old Mr
Lawson, the funeral undertaker.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Sheep?(He looks at Mrs Brown.) Then
given the alternatives I'm not surprised. Honestly, the place is going to the dogs.
JAMIE:
Hahahaha! Going to the dogs. Sheep. Dogs.
Get it?
FATHER MACCAFFREY: (GROANS) Yes, but you won't. Now clear
off and pick on somebody your own age. (He
glances icily at Mrs Brown) Both of you.
MRS BROWN:
And what are you doing here, Father?
FATHER MACCAFFREY TAPS HIS NOSE.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Well I shouldn't really say this, but I'm
here to exorcise a demon.
MRS BROWN:
Why? Is it unfit?
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
(ROLLS HIS EYES) This is like a
never-ending joke.(HE GESTURES FOR THEM TO LEAVE) Off you go.
MRS BROWN:
Miserable git.
FATHER MACCAFFREY RUNS BACK UPSTAIRS TO ROOM
TWENTY-THREE. HE POPS HIS HEAD INSIDE. JANE IS
LYING IN BED READING THE 'RADIO TIMES'.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Are you ready, Bridgette?
JANE:
Bring them on.
CUT TO
SCENE 11 INT. HENRY JAMES INN - NIGHT.
WE HEAR INDISCRMINATE, EXCITED NOISES FILL THE
HALL.
CUT TO
SCENE 12 INT. RECEPTION DESK - NIGHT.
FATHER MACCAFFREY AND BARNES ARE SITTING AT THE
RECEPTION DESK, A GLASS OF WHISKY IN THEIR HANDS.
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
(CLINKING BARNES' GLASS) Here's to new
pews.
BARNES:
(RETURNING THE TOAST) And new life to
this sleepy old inn. (HE LOOKS UP AT THE
CEILING) What are we going to do if
Jane decides to leave?
FATHER MACCAFFREY:
(SMILING MISCHIEVOUSLY)Then there's always
Mrs Brown. With the libido of a hutch full
of rabbits, she could easily take her place.
(HE RUBS HIS CHIN) I wonder.