One man's paradise

[EDITED]

ERIC: Waes-hael

VIKINGS: Drinc-hael!

FX: GLUGGING AND THE BANGING DOWN OF CUPS.

TREVOR: I ache all over.

ERIC: The little hero awakes!

TREVOR: Is this A&E?

ERIC: Welcome shield brother!

TREVOR: The ceiling keeps spinning. It's stopped. Oh.

ERIC: The rafters are the shafts of spears and the roof tiles shields of gold.

TREVOR: (CONTENTED) It's worth the extra for BUPA.

ERIC: This is Valhalla my friend.

TREVOR: Valha - Oh, I see, I'm dead, aren't I?

ERIC: Here fallen heroes await to go into battle at the world's end.

TREVOR: Heroes? I suppose I made a stand on Iraq. Joined the peace march.

ERIC: We are the Einherjar, Odin's chosen. Our nights are spent in feasting and our days in the greatest of all pleasures.

TREVOR: (BRIGHTENING) Oh, really?

ERIC: Yes, hewing off one another's limbs, smashing each others skulls, and gouging out the soft squishy bits of our comrades. Does it not make your heart leap in anticipation?

TREVOR: I don't really do contact sports.

ERIC: What you need is a drink. (SHOUTS) Bring us a horn. And a ladder.

TREVOR: (CALLING) Um excuse me, what is that - (SPECULATIVELY) animal? And why are you - oh my God you're milking it.

ERIC: This is Heithrun the she-goat that stands upon the roof of Valhalla.

TREVOR: Goats milk is recommended for my lactose intolerance.

ERIC: Ha, from the teats of Heithrun flows the clear mead!

TREVOR: I don't really indulge, perhaps a small sherry at Christmas.

ERIC: Then you must eat.

TREVOR: I think I could manage a leaf salad.

ERIC: Here we eat only the flesh of Saehrimnir, the giant boar.

TREVOR: (GROANS) What am I doing here?

ERIC: You were brought by Brynhildir the Valkyrie who chose you from among the slain.

TREVOR: Brynhildir the what?

ERIC: The Valkyries are the shieldmaidens of Odin, sisters sworn to chastity. (ASIDE) Not that anyone would.

TREVOR: I don't understand. The last thing I remember is sitting opposite that guy on the bus...

ERIC: If the Valkyrie brought you, you must have died in battle.

TREVOR: Yes. That's right. Battle. In Sussex.

ERIC: Oh. (PAUSE) Well this is embarrassing. It's the Valkyries. The old dears aren't what they were.

TREVOR: This is terrible. It couldn't be any worse. Is it just me or did it suddenly go dark in here?

ERIC: It is the shadow cast by the mighty oaks of Brynhildir's thighs.

TREVOR: Should someone that size - and that age - be wearing, well - are those soup tureens?

ERIC: She's brought another one. This one looks a bit singed.

TREVOR: Now I remember.

NEWCOMER: Insh'allah! Jannat, the garden of Paradise!

TREVOR: Food and drink, over here please.

NEWCOMER: Shukran. So, where are my seventy virgins?

TREVOR: Brynhildir! And did you say she had sisters?

END.

I get the idea and where it's going but it's so long I got lost. The final punch is a corker but it's been swamped enroute (also disapointed martyrdom bomber is a little old...)

I read the original last night and wasn't there a Jewish character? I don't think I am in on the joke, could you tell the stupid among us (me) what the main thrust of it is?

Yes, Trevor was originally Jewish, but I decided that was unnecessary.

I have now edited to bring down the length. Any clearer?

I've read both but I am just a bit of a dunce, I do think this one runs more smoothly for what it's worth though. It's a touch shorter as well isn't it?

I must admit I liked the Jewish character originally, but you are probably right it detracts from the main focus of the sketch.

(EDIT: I've done my research, I know now. Kind of confirmed what I thought was going on.)

I don't think the length itself is a problem but I reckon there is scope for more funnies a long the way.

Cheers for the feedback guys, it's been helpful. Since the original posting I have shortened and tightened, but am I polishing a turd?

I say stick with it. Maybe write a couple of versions based on the same theme and to reiterate I liked the idea of the Jewish character ending up in Valhalla.

I liked it.
In a way it's a bit overcrowded with too many (good) lines.
There maybe more than one sketch in here.

In a way I'd have liked to see it all about The Battle/Battle mix up. as that did make me laugh.
The Vikings getting annoyed by the mix ups.
Maybe they have had a few similar people come through The suits & braces are always a give away, Reg here died by the sword, Titterington by the Sword, near Eastbourne.

Really enjoyed this. Love the idea of a guy waking up in the wrong heaven, particuarly Valhalla. The contact sports line really made me laugh and the punch is very good. Clever stuff.

Timbo, this is excellent. The Valhalla conceit is very original and the dialogue really crackles.

The only line I thought was weak was the 'small sherry' one because it's clichéd.

I have to say I think the suicide bomber stuff is not necessary and feels a little bit insensitive. Can't you make up another reason for him to be dead and in the wrong place? like Steve, I think you could get more than one sketch out of this. It's no turd.

Cheers for the encouragement guys. I night take up Adam's suggestion and try a few different versions and see what works best.

Very original concept. I had to read it a couple of times to fully get it and I got the 'Battle' bit when I realised that its a place in Sussex. Excellent ending.

All in all very good. I would love to know how you thought of this idea as its quite strange, very original and once I got it I really really liked it.

The main character has reverted to being Jewish. Does the new ending work? (Sorry for trying people's patience.)

ERIC: Waes-hael

VIKINGS: Drinc-hael!

FX: GLUGGING AND THE BANGING DOWN OF CUPS.

SOLLY: Oi vey. I ache all over.

ERIC: The little hero awakes!

SOLLY: Is this A&E?

ERIC: Welcome shield brother!

SOLLY: The ceiling keeps spinning. It's stopped. Oh.

ERIC: The rafters are the shafts of spears and the roof tiles shields of gold.

SOLLY: (CONTENTED) It's worth the extra for BUPA.

ERIC: This is Valhalla my friend.

SOLLY: Valha - Oh, I see, I'm dead, aren't I?

ERIC: Here fallen heroes await to go into battle at the world's end.

SOLLY: Heroes? I suppose I made a stand on Iraq. Joined the peace march.

ERIC: We are the Einherjar, Odin's chosen. Our nights are spent in feasting and our days in the greatest of pleasures.

SOLLY: (BRIGHTENING) Oh, really?

ERIC: Yes, hewing off one another's limbs, smashing each others skulls, and gouging out the soft squishy bits of our dearest comrades. Does your heart not leap in anticipation?

SOLLY: I don't really do contact sports.

ERIC: What you need is a drink. (SHOUTS) Bring us a horn. And a ladder.

SOLLY: (CALLING) Um excuse me, what is that - (SPECULATIVELY) animal? And why are you...

FX: MILK SQUIRTING AND HITTING A BUCKET

SOLLY (CONT.) Oh my God you're milking it.

ERIC: This is Heithrun the she-goat that stands upon the roof of Valhalla.

SOLLY: Goats milk is recommended for my lactose intolerance.

ERIC: Ha, from the teats of Heithrun flows the clear mead!

SOLLY: I don't really indulge, perhaps an egg flip at Hanukkah.

ERIC: Then you must eat.

SOLLY: I think I could manage a bowl of chicken soup.

ERIC: Here we eat only the flesh of Saehrimnir...

SOLLY: Is that kosh...

ERIC: ...the giant boar.

SOLLY: (GROANS) What am I doing here?

ERIC: You were brought by Brynhildir the Valkyrie who chose you from among the slain.

SOLLY: Last thing I remember's the van...

ERIC: Ah you fell in the van of the shield wall?

SOLLY: No I fell under an ice cream van. (EMBARRASSED PAUSE) Do you think perhaps if I was to speak to this Brynhildir...?

ERIC: Hither comes she.

FX: THE CLATTER OF A HORSE"S HOOVES ON STONE FLAGS.

SOLLY: Yikes! Should a woman that well-built be wearing - are those soup tureens?

ERIC: Brynhildir! What means this? This thrall is no mighty sword-wielder.

BRYNHILDIR: The paperwork I think you will find is all in order.

ERIC: To enter Valhalla one must die in battle!

SOLLY: Oh. That's it. I did. Battle - in Sussex.

BRYNHILDIR: (PAUSE) I took advantage of a technicality.

ERIC: But what want you with this churl?

BRYNHILDIR: Do you think I could face waiting on the end of days with none but you uncouth rowdy lugs for company? Ugh! Scattering the hordes of your enemies is all very well, but none of you are in touch with your feminine sides. (SEDUCTIVELY) Some of us shieldmaidens prefer the shy, sensitive type.

ERIC: But he does not belong in this afterlife.

FX: PROLONGED SLOPPY KISS.

SOLLY: (ENTHUSIASTIC) Waes-hael

VIKINGS: Drinc-hael!

END.

Quote: Otterfox @ May 15 2010, 12:11 PM BST

I would love to know how you thought of this idea as its quite strange, very original and once I got it I really really liked it.

View original

I was looking for a setting for radio sketch that would enable me to do gags that could not be staged in other media, and cleaning out the garage I came across an old book of Norse myths...

The new edit is brilliant. It's got more of a narrative and a very neat little punch line that pulls it all together. It also has a great feeling of research.

All in all good stuff.

Oh and good characterisation (N.B. if you're going to do a Jewish character it's more likely to be "Manishevitz wine on a Friday night£ or "a small brandy at Purim" no one really drinks at Hannukah).